New Year Wish

current music :: last word - rentrer en soi

night everyone^^,

gomenasai mina .. i know i didnt post that much lately.. i just didnt know what to say.. for me life is just the same everyday.. and i dont have that much to share with you..

i've just finished watching japanese sad series 'one liter of tears'. i borrowed it from cousin. the story was very interesting. in fact, it teaches me how to appreciate life..

i assumed you all know how much i hate this world, how much i hate myself and my life.. but .. all of the sudden after watching that story, it made me think something.. realised something..

why didnt i appreciate the life that god has given me? why should i whine for this pain? why should i try to kill myself? i keep on asking myself why.. because for this pain is nothing more that just a small scratch for the poor and special kid out there..

in fact, they would just laugh and smile with their friends and forget all those miseries they had in that chaotic mind.. but why? why am i that weak? im a normal human, i could walk and see perfectly, sing beautifully and i could do more than the special kid could do.. but why cant i appreciate my life and stop complaining?? why? why should i grieve and step out from the world?

am i a failure? im not a strong person aint i? *smile* i do hope that ill be back to my former self.. or even better that than.. that's my wish for this new year..

until then..

A Painful Year To Look At

current music :: another world arni village - yasunori mitsuda

fuhh.. i've been waiting this for so long.. finally, after a painful year of being 17, i've turned to 18.. which means that im FREE!! heheh..

i just dont know why im being so happy this morning while most of the soul is resting peacefully.. i mean i've never been this happy when i was 17.. when i looked back what happened, it was sure a tough year to face but surprisingly i made it.. being dumped like nothing after we got together for more than one year, i almost killed myself but heh .. that was past..

now i should be more mature and act like one.. i just hope ill be able to keep this shape for the next year and so.. i know back then everybody is worried about me for acting like a total loner or should i say loser.. im sorry for that.. hehe

ill try to change okay? no promises though (:

okay, what i wish for this birthday? hmm.. lemme think, i think i want to get my driving licence if it's possible.. the next one will be a light to shade this darkness in my little world and a forever smile for every of my day in life.. i think that's all, i couldnt think any for now.. or maybe a trip to japan haha just joking. i know that is a mere dream but it's not wrong to dream right? (:

okay, what else i should talk about, i havent been blogging for a very long time.. oh yeah, i got a lot of greetings by my facebook friends.. seriously, i never expected that it would be that much. i dont know. maybe, it's because i never received that much when i used friendster.. thank you guys.. facebook is GOOD!! haha

oh yeah, i got 2 presents already given by the people in this world. first present was "RENTRER EN SOI LAST CONCERT DVD" given by reiko the dangerous mind.. thanks reiko-san.. ill try my best going to cc to download that xD.. second, im not really sure but i heard from a friend that a new dota map will be released today.. thanks icefrog.. xD oh yeah, i almost forgot, my dear satsuki is going to perform his oneman show today.. i wish i could be there in japan watching him singing cuz that'll be a great birthday gift after my rentrer en soi last concert dvd.. anyway it's still consider a birthday gift for me eventhough im not there..

lastly, before i stop. i would like to thank everyone who is celebrating today's event although i didnt celebrate christmas but it's an honour that everybody is celebrating my birthday.. thankyou so much guys..

ill miss this blog.. i hope ill always come and write something in this blog again like always.. okay, bye for now..

until then..

Miss.. You.. Miss.. Her.. Miss.. Everyone..

*sigh*

it's been a while now since the last time i seriously update this blog.. kinda miss it though but i was too lazy for everything. hmm..

i miss KAYME!!

err.. a random statement i guess.. i dont really know what to say here. i miss talking with everyone but i know they have their own life to think about..

im still thinking about what happened few days ago at school. i was attending some sort of agreement for me to be in upper six next year. there i was asked to sign the passport to go to upper six with 10 conditions.. *sigh* im so worried.. in the dying moment, im so envy with everyone who's still have smile carved on their happy faces.. i wonder if i could overcome any obstacles later in 2010..

2009 has been so unfortunate for me. probably the worst year of my life. first, i got dumped. and now it ends with a disappointment result. you can say that overall i was totally crushed by the boulders..

oh yeah, last week before school holiday we had talentine at school. it was so not awesome because the speakers SUCKED!! it hurt my ears and GAVE me major BRAIN DAMAGE. thank god we have chinese comedians. thumbs up for julius and his partner.. also thanks to my kayme, as expected she did came that day. thank you sweetheart..

*yawns* i guess ill stop here for the moment. ill update some other time..

P/S : I MISS SCHOOL AND MY FRIENDS.

until then..

Interview with Satsuki :)

this is OBVIOUSLY taken from S-T.net. don't think that i made this myself. i copied this to show how much i love satsuki :)

Shattered-Tranquility.net: This is your second time in Houston, as you came a few years ago with your previous band. Are there any sights that you got to see that you haven’t visited before?
Satsuki: No, I haven’t been out yet. I arrived in America and then the next day – LIVE! Then the next day…is today! (Laughs)
S-T.net: Oh! How tiring! How did you have the energy to perform?
Satsuki: No, no energy…I have no energy.
S-T.net: You did a great job though!
Satsuki: No no. I’m very tired and very sleepy. I’m jetlagged.


S-T.net: On your blog you said it took 27 hours for you to get to Texas! Why was the trip so long?
Satsuki: Yes it took a while because of weather issues.
S-T.net: What did you do to pass the time?
Satsuki: I actually brought my traveling piano, so I was practicing for the live.


S-T.net: Have you had a chance to try BBQ or any food from Texas?
Satsuki: I want to eat BBQ!
S-T.net: Go eat at Goode Company, they have the best BBQ!
Satsuki: Good information!


S-T.net: How are your American fans different from your Japanese fans?
Satsuki: The fans in America are more passionate. Passionate. At first, Japanese fans are very shy.
S-T.net: Yeah, we are everywhere.
Satsuki: Good, good.


S-T.net: Were you nervous to play for us at the live?
Satsuki: Just a bit.


S-T.net: Do you want to play anywhere else?
Satsuki: I want to go to France.


S-T.net: What is your biggest challenge performing overseas?
Satsuki: The language.


S-T.net: You have another oneman this Christmas, what do you have planned?
Satsuki: Oh, I’m glad that you know about it! And you’re reading my blog too! I’m actually going to perform an unreleased song on piano.
S-T.net: Oh, that’s going to be great! So what is your biggest inspiration?
Satsuki: My bath time – my bath time influences me.
S-T.net: Do you do a lot of thinking in the bath?
Satsuki: Yes.


S-T.net: Are there any specific places that you visit to get inspiration?
Satsuki: Temples. It doesn’t really have anything to do with religion itself, but it’s more the style of the buildings, and an escape from daily life. They have this mystical feel to them.
S-T.net: Is it refreshing because they are located away from the city?
Satsuki: That’s part of it. Living in the city, I don’t get a chance to see them all the time.
S-T.net: Have you visited churches in America?
Satsuki: Actually, the cover for Crystal was shot at a church in Los Angeles. I’d like to see some in this area as well.
S-T.net: We have old ones in downtown Houston.
Satsuki: I’d really like to go.


S-T.net: What connection do you have with the religious imagery in your music?
Satsuki: To Japanese people, it has a pure kind of feeling to it, and an American image. In Japan, we have Buddha, and in America there’s Christianity, with Mary and Jesus. So, it’s a connection to America.


S-T.net: Your costumes and packaging are all very beautiful. Do you want to design any clothes or accessories?
Satsuki: (points to his outfit) My own design. I have no desire to actually make things myself. I’d rather convey my ideas to other people, and have them make it for me. Everything is my idea.
S-T.net: Then, is the direction of your PV and CD covers your ideas?
Satsuki: Yeah, it is.


S-T.net: Is that an advantage to being a solo artist, you can oversee everything?
Satsuki: 100% – I want to do everything. So…solo is good.


S-T.net: Do you ever get nervous performing solo?
Satsuki: I don’t get nervous, but it’sso lonely.


S-T.net: What was your most embarrassing moment as a solo artist?
Satsuki: Nothing has happened yet as a solo artist, but when I was in RENTRER EN SOI, my fly was open. It was totally, fully open! But I don’t think anything worse than that has happened.


S-T.net: Which song is your favorite to perform?
Satsuki: La Lune


S-T.net: What is your writing process in creating new music?
Satsuki: It’s different, depending on the song. For example, for ‘Veil of MARIA, I actually made the music first. For ‘La Lune’, it was composed on guitar first.


S-T.net: How did you get into music?
Satsuki: When I was in school I did it as a hobby, but after I graduated, I wanted to do it professionally.
S-T.net: Did you start off singing?
Satsuki: I started out on piano, guitar and drums!
S-T.net: Everyone was impressed with your playing on guitar and piano last night at the live. Then you headed towards the back with the drums and we were all hoping you would play them.
Satsuki: I should have played them! (Laughs)


S-T.net: Were your parents supportive about getting into the visual scene?
Satsuki: Not really, but now they are.


S-T.net: Can you share with us a childhood memory that you have?
Satsuki: Hmm, a memory? I used to walk every day as a kid, and one day I found a high spot in the street. My goal was to one day be able to jump off from that high spot. Recently, I returned to that spot, and realized that it wasn’t that high… it seemed so big when I was a child.


S-T.net: Do you have any other talents besides music?
Satsuki: Impersonations. (Laughs)
S-T.net: I would ask you to do one, but I am not sure you will.
Satsuki: I would but you might not know who they are. They’re of Japanese people.


S-T.net: What is your current obsession? Do you have anything that you’re collecting?
Satsuki: Crystal. I’m collecting glass crystals.
S-T.net: Is that inspiration for your release Crystal?
Satsuki: Yes.


S-T.net: What do you do on your free time?
Satsuki: See movies.
S-T.net: What kind of movies do you like?
Satsuki: Hannibal! I like Hannibal Lecter!
S-T.net: Do you like all of those movies?
Satsuki: Yeah! Red Dragon, and Silence of the Lambs.


S-T.net: If you could be a super hero, what power would you like to have?
Satsuki: Spider-Man!


S-T.net: I notice that you have tattoos, are they personal and will you get more?
Satsuki: Yes, they are. I won’t get any more right now.


S-T.net: Do you mind telling us your weak and strong points?
Satsuki: For my weak point, my likes and dislikes are very clear. And my strong point is that I’m a prince. (Laughs)
S-T.net: Only you can get away with an answer like that!
Satsuki: (Laughs) Thank you.


S-T.net: Can you tell us a secret about yourself?
Satsuki: I’m a really fast runner, but no one really knows that I am. I’m seriously fast. I’d never get caught if we were playing tag. It’s a secret… you can write it, but it’s a secret. (Laughs)


S-T.net: If you were on a deserted island, and you could only take three items with you, what would you bring?
Satsuki: Rice, ochazuke, which is a Japanese food… and a piano.
S-T.net: Rice and a piano?
Satsuki: Practice, eat, practice… (Laughs)
S-T.net: You can sing a rice song.「
Satsuki: (Laughs) RICE SONG RICE SONG!
S-T.net: New single: RICE!
Satsuki: (Laughs)
S-T.net: So if that comes out, that idea was mine!
Satsuki: OK!


S-T.net: What is your personal goal for 2010?
Satsuki: Learn more English! Study!
S-T.net: So far so good!
Satsuki: No no no, more more more!


S-T.net: Please give a message to your fans.
Satsuki: Please support me from now on. Even when I’m Japan, I’m always thinking of my fans in America.

Roses

Roses

The sweet scent of blooming roses filled the morning sunrise as I opened the window of my bedroom after having such a long nap. Standing before me was a garden of roses where it reminded me of the time when I helped dad with the garden, I was complaining back then because it took my nap time after the tiring day of school but now I couldn’t believed myself that those flowers were the things that I obsessed to after all that hard time I’ve been through. It felt like that thing was just happened yesterday before dad leaves me for eternity.

I was at Japan for a very long time. After graduated from University of Osaka, I decided to stay there. I told dad about it long before I leave him. I remembered my dad said something before my departure. He told me to come back to visit him and the garden once or two every year but sadly it didn’t turn out as he expected to. I knew deep inside his heart that I have hurt him so bad. After all I’m the only family he got after mom involved in tragic accident 10 years ago.

It was my last year in high-school. I was waiting for my o’lvl result along with the promised scholarship to Japan. The Principal told us that whoever achieved a brilliant result will automatically assigned to the scholarship. I was so excited at the first time I heard this. I always wanted to go to Japan since I was a child. Dad and mom supported me and pushed me to go for it and surprisingly I did. Finally after waited for three months, the day I’ve been waiting for has come. I couldn’t believe my eyes that I achieved grade ‘A’ distinction for every of my subject. I even asked my friends to checked it for me because I’m afraid that my eyes were blinded by some kind of cheap trick or something but it was true, I really got an ‘A’ for eight subjects. My friends poke my shoulder asking me to buy them a drink since I got an excellent result beating the best student in school which appeared to be my best friend. Ecstatic about my result I ran home to tell my family about this. I couldn’t wait to see mom’s happy face and dad calling “well, whose son is that?” after I show them my result but alas a second of a good moment will never complete without a minute sad moment. I started to learn this after I knew that mom died being crashed by a truck during her walk to the supermarket. I cried endlessly in front of mom’s grave until those tears of mine dried up. Dad tried to cheer me up by having a party to celebrate my achievement on my o’lvl exams which also my farewell party since I’m going to Japan. At first, I decided to stay with my dad but then he convinced me that he could take care of himself. It was hard for both of us but he wanted me to focus on my future. Before I went to Japan, both of us exchanged promises.

Unfortunately, it seemed that both of us didn’t keep that promise or maybe we truly forgot about it. After graduated, a company offered me a job as an executive manager. I accepted the offer and told dad about it. Funny, after all the time I spent in Japan that was the first time I ever call my dad. That phone call was still vivid in my memories. I remembered that he was a little surprised when he heard my voice on the day of his birthday. I could hear him crying that time. I knew he missed me so much since I haven’t called him in years. He was so mad at me because I didn’t give him any phone call or sent him a letter but I told him that I’m going to visit him next month as an apology. I left him my contact number for him to contact me at any time. He thanked me for the call and told me that was the greatest birthday present he ever had from me also he told me that he couldn’t wait for my homecoming. Regrettably, that first phone call I gave him was also the last time we ever talk. A week after that, I’ve been waiting for him to call me but it was hopeless. The phone never rang for his name. I was so worried so I decided to call him instead of waiting for him call me.


To be continued…

Kimi Mei Kiyoshi

hmm.. i remembered most of people asked me why i picked this name.. some said that it was because of that sweet korean girl ^^ (oh! i love you dear hehe). some even told me it was a girl's name..

err, no comment..

but the truth is ..

this name was taken randomly from the machine that worked in my head for 17 years. i was trying to labeled myself as a "dark prince". since i already got "kiyoshi" from facebook, so i decided to put my name as "dark prince kiyoshi". so in japanese :

kimi : prince..

mei : dark..

kiyoshi : ??? (err.. i forgot what it means.. haha sorry..)

im not really sure about the japanese arrangement actually. since one of my friends told me the arragement of 'i ate rice' is 'i rice ate' and i figured one AV name 'SORA AOI' which is supposed to be 'blue sky' instead in japanese it was read as 'sky blue'.

so there was the name of "Kimi Mei Kiyoshi" created. also it was a lil awkward for me to read as ''Mei Kimi Kiyoshi''.. or maybe that was the right one?

err.. i dont know eh..

well, to be honest i really need help with these..

still listening to : CALM ENVY ^^,

farewell, for now..

Falling to the Moon

hehe..

that man is getting more beautiful than ever ^^ haha now he got his new net beside the old one.. too bad i couldnt read it.. sheeshhh~ gotta polish my skills on that wonderful language ^_^

it's funny to think that i nearly fall in love with a guy xD but yeah, that's true -.-'

currently listening to : calm envy - the GazettE. (arigatou KURAGAMI-san, it's really a good calming song although the genre was sad) ^^,

farewell, for now..

the small sun

it seems that there is a little light for me to hold on in this entire darkness eventhough it couldnt warm this entire coldness but it helps a bit. for the entire week being in that pathetic state, it really was painful. to think that i have lost my faith and will to live in this world, i changed a lot. i even tried to kill myself again.

*sigh* honestly, this world is too cold for me to live with.. i wonder why those stupid feelings wont go..

*sigh* i lost the desire to have an angel as my saviour. life is too cruel for me. too cruel! but i wouldnt call it world if it go as i want. it's almost two years now, ever since that day, i forget how to smile sincerely. all of this time, holding to that fake happiness, i know that im just killing myself. but to think that im doing that for the sake of the people around me, the wounds heal a little. just a little.

*sigh*

maybe im supposed to do what i always did. to not let everyone see those beautiful pearl and not showing that u've have them..

i wonder how long will that little light stay? will it getting smaller or getting bigger?

*sigh*

farewell, for now..

Wither

so this how it feels to live in the world?
i just born about 2 days ago..
eager to taste the smell of the fresh air in the morning..
i bloomed imperfectly as a rose..
i thought i would be welcomed warmly..
but instead it was the cold surroundings that greeted me..
as day passes i've become a frozen roses..
the bright blue colour of my sepals have turned to crimson blood..
as my original colour is fading..
so does my hope..
the light from the arc is focusing on me..
trying to help to get my self back..
so this is the feeling living in this world?
the happiness is greeted with cold hatred..
as for the the cold darkside of you is pleased with warm love..
again this is to find the old you?
but sadly, all of that is too late now..
for now that i've melted after that long cold atmosphere..
i shall live as a wither rose in the satan's hands..

-written accordingly to what happened a few days ago..

until then..

Isolation

*sigh*

i just finished playing dota a few minutes ago. i won the game as usual but this time i cheat. i used the god mode to kill every of my opponent there. i know it sucks but i was bored okay? i couldnt think right and that disturbs my play. i got killed by the same opponent for 3 times. that's why i decided to play dirty.

seriously, i feel so isolated lately. not by my friends but by the world. it seems that everything didnt happened so right nowadays. i always got at least one bad moment in a day. how cruel are you world? and why? *sigh* hmm. my exams are worst and as is coming. i hope ill do better in the coming exam. btw im feeling a lil bit lonely now, i need a friend to talk with. naahh, actually i need a girl.

what the heck .. ? i need a girl in this exam month? a crazy request i think.. hmm.. im thinking of learning japanese.. and improving my skills on lawn bowl..

maybe after exams..

until then..

Worst Moment

okay, so today i was trying to change my blog. i want to make it more beautiful where i could put rose and everything that im obsessed to. *sigh* but it's the opposite, in fact it's more worst than i imagined. everything that i made to my blog, all the linkies and what so ever. it's all gone! dang it! now i have to redo everything by tomorrow. just hope the wireless will be okay tomorrow..

until then..

Innocence

hey everyone. it's been a while now. i know im getting lazy to this blog thingy. im really sorry but life keep on dragging me with problems and more.

i dont know why im so energetic as in hyper today, probably it's because after drinking a new drink called promaganate (not sure about the spelling) or garnet tea. kuragami said it tastes like peach tea but for me it totally tastes like a familiar medicine. kinda sweet but .. err i cant describe it in words. i was just trying it out this morning since kuragami said it's too sweet that it could makes him go drunk.

by the way, the test was so awesome today. for my poa, it's not actually a test but some sort of discussion. i dont know why sir did this since it actually meant to be a test but at least im safe from failing. thank you god. and my e'as? it was not an easy passage but i managed to answered them. my teacher gave me a strange expression as she read my paper while i was on my way out from the classroom. it's like she's telling me that 'im going to get you boy' haha.

also today i acted out for shakesphere's twelfth night today in my e.lit class. it was so fun and humourous since all of us have to act the comedy part. oh yeah, i found that zirah is kinda sweet and cute with the hat that maw brough. she also sing in the play and when all the people in class praise her voice, she was blushed. awww~ so cutee. hahaha just hope i didnt fall for her because of that. oh yeah, about the hat. the girls dare me to wear it infront of everyone until lunch with a prize of $1. stupidly i was foolish enough to humiliate myself infront of everyone but honestly i feel nothing about it. maybe it's because i was so hyper that time. thanks to the garnet tea or promaganate tea.. (:

hmm. whatelse eh? ... oh yeah, kim and i were picked at the same time today. she went to the gate as soon after i hopped into my dad's car. im not really sure who picked her that time but i think it was her boyfriend. aha i admit i was a lil bit jealous but come to think of it, i whispered to myself "hey, at least she's happy right?"

hehe. i posessed a positive mind and im proud of it haha xp btw just got innocence by alice nine from kuragami. im going to enjoy myself hearing the song (:

until then..

an unfortunate day

*sigh*

seriously i got one big stupid problem today. first, got pissed by a stupid ape with his freaking stupid post. i just hope he finds his own tree for him to get rid of his stupid boredom.

second, i failed my geo with 12% of marks which means probably im going to retain in lower 6 next year since i got 3 Us already. i havent got my e.lit ppr yet but mz. rozie told me that only 3-4 people that managed to pass the exam.. which is impossible that im in that group.. cus i got pros in my e.lit class such as maw, zirah, sha and aqilah. im so dead. >_<

third, cant believe this one but it happened. out of depression and frustration, i finally became the old me again. the one who never care about people's feeling, being honest about what he dislikes about one thing or two. i might have hurt my pal with my words but i was being honest. it's for our own good. me and him cus he needs to change. i remember that a friend told me to tell everything about what i feel eventhough it's going to break the bond, i still cant believe that i did it.

maybe it's because of too much frustation i carried on my shoulder. the burden is so heavy for me. for that i know that i've dissappoint my parents with my stupid result, i feel weak and useless when i cant do anything about the people who dissed me.

in short, im so pissed off today.

*sigh*

until then..

Desperate

*sigh*

it's like i have visited this blog for everyday to check any updates but yet it's still the same as before.

most of the updates now are boring and didnt satisfied me. only short and lame update. life is keep on getting boring day by day. i dont know why im saying this but maybe it's because the emptiness of my heart.

seriously guys, im not really sure if it's okay for me to share this but i really need partner. i really miss the warm love from the girl i like. i maybe sound desperate but that's the truth.

i know this sound girly but everytime i look at everyone or my friends with their bf/gf, my heart cried out of jealousy. the time when i look at kim or any other girls that i adore, i really wish for them to talk with me while our eyes softly looking at each other - having them lying on my shoulder while i whispering to their ear, telling them "i love you"

*sigh* im really sick of this loneliness but it cant be helped, this is the path i choose. im trying hard in keeping my promise at the stupid girl who never appreciate my love.

sometime i wish that i never make that stupid promise.

*sigh*

until then ..

Resonance

today is like the worst day of my life. the first day of school was sure a stupid day. the worst ever happened. i screwed up my accounting as expected. it sucks. what made me regret was, i only need 8 marks to get an 'E' instead of 'U'. i said 'SHIT! just 8 marks to go and im SAFE!'.

i got 24/50 for my english 'as' paper 1. damn! that commentary exam sucks the most. i feel want to wrap the paper and throw it into the dustbin. i couldnt believe that i cant even get a credit for my paper 1. how can i be an english lecturer or a novelist if i got that kind of mark.

mada mada dane

im waiting for my english 'as' paper 2. just hope i didnt screw it up.

oh yeah, i watched 'before i decay' preview this morning, it's so DAMN COOL! i cant wait for this october.

also, i watched another pv this morning. it was exist trace with their 'resonance' preview. the song grabs my full attention until it made me watch the preview for about 4-5 times. also it was because their guitarist is so damn cute. hehe. but i really love their kind of music. oh yeah, it's all woman vkei band. so they are my second female vkei band after danger gang. wuhuu~ im going to hunt for their song from now on.

i really wish to have the resonance mp3..

until then

Refusal

i just got the mood to post something today. well, it's nothing important actually, i would love to keep it as my secret but naah, ill tell this time.

guys, nowadays, i can feel that im changing a lil bit. im keeping my feelings a lot more frequent than before. i dont tell people about my everyday problem like before where my blog usually updated at least 1 time in 3 days. probably because of my lazyness.

oh yeah, what im trying to tell you right now is about my older post with the title 'crush'. i think it was the post on late march.

well i met her today *grins* that girl, she's still beautiful like the first time i looked at her. she was the first girl that opened the locked cage for me. the only person who managed to grab my attention before kim. i wish i could tell her and everyone that i like her but naahh, ill keep it as my secret..

but too bad that girl *sigh* have a lot of fans which makes this nature of mine to refuse to continue to love her. everytime when i clicked on her status's comments, i could see that most of people gave her the comments of 'i hope we can be together' in different ways and style. i dislike this so much. ahh, silly me, i must be jealous. hehs.

anyway, i just knew about 4 hours ago that my kayme had deleted her facebook. so saddd *~*

okay then. ill stop till here.

until then..

notykitz memorial

hey. it's the fourteen of september today. i remember that last year september was a happy moment of my life although i was pressurised because of o level exam.

i still kept the notes of our convo during our first year anniversary. it really was a sweet memory, not only the notes but her recorded voices too. im listening to them right now. most of the recording was her laughter, her naughtiness, our planning for the future and a lil bit of her school problems.

my memories are now recall to the day where we nearly broke up because of the unforgivable thing that she'd done. it was so painful but sweet. the sweet thing was how she tried to convinced me about her love, how she told me that no one can replace me in her heart and how she told me that she want me. i miss all of that..

notykitz forever, farulsauzan, 3012512, 2312[14] and many more. all of those are used to be on my display name or nick. but it's all gone now. everything has fade. no more happiness between this two souls. hatred were born after that tragic day.

today is supposed to be our two years relationship but it seems that two years is nothing but a mere dream. so long baby, i guess this pain will never stop from bleeding. i wish you for a better life.

when two souls found one heart..
they hold it together with both of their hands..
when one of the souls found another heart..
it gets distracted and its grip weakened..
processing the falling of the heart as the result..
so there was the scattering sound of the broken heart..

until then..

hunger for your love.

it's been nearly four days since i saw you hanging around at the school with your friends.

i miss you so much sweetheart. i truly miss you. i wish we're so close baby so there will always a reason for me to approach you. this feeling is killing me. i could fall if i try to stand up. im getting and weaker because of it.

silly me, now i regret the fact that i didnt tell you about this little heart. a heart that always give me your images. all the way you smile, the way you bite ur lips, waving me and saying goodbye, the way u laugh, and more sweetheart.

i wish i could picture you on how much do i miss you but it cannot be describe by words. it's out of this world baby. saying 'i miss you' for thousand times wouldnt help me to get rid of it.

i need you at my sleep..
i need you to talk with me..
i need you to smile and laugh with me..
i need you in my dreams..
i need you to be by myside..
im so in love with you kayme-chan..
please be mine..
eventhough it's just for a second..
im so desperate to see you kayme baby..

until then..

Wonderment

i just departed from ST net to get rid of my evening boredom. one of their posts caught my attention. it made me questioned myself.

it was stating about spanish visual band. the first time i read i couldnt believe that spanish people also love visual music which lead me to read it for two to three times. i didnt remember the name of the band. i think it's pinky something.

in my amazement, i was wondering how strong is the influence of japanese music to the world. also, i wonder if brunei have its own visual kei band? hmm..

until then..

i need to be alone for a while.

*sigh*

if i said im happy now, i would be lying. seriously, after the exams yesterday i could not think very bright. every of the surroundings around me gave me too much burden for my weak soul to carry.

i thought after all the exams, my life would be free from anything that could hurt me. i dont know when did i get this but i can feel that im being watched by the eyes of an assassin. someone who hates me because of something that i do to make myself happy. someone who's going to stab me from the back while i put my guards down.

i just hope those people knows what're they doing. i just didnt get it, why do i have to face all of this. i wonder if there'll be someone who will be picking up all the shattered pieces of me when im falling apart and scattered everywhere. and i know the answer is no body.

as from what i said before, life is only for one man himself. you got your ownlife and i got mine, we're not going to be together forever.
this is the real world you once adore because of its beauty. you have to open ur eyes more on the dark side alone. forget all of those happiness cus it's not going to help you nowhere. it will only let your life been taken freely.

this world is still cruel as it was from the beginning. all of this bond and relationship thing never stops from making me sick.

until then..

In Love

*grins*

hehs. so today was my last exam. i finished the 3 hours questions in 1 hour and 45 minutes. i was so excited to get my freedom so i managed to finished it earlier than it suppose to be. but unfortunately after everything was done the teachers wouldnt let me out because it was still too early. i said WHAT THE HELL! shxt! i got so much troubled in finishing it early and now i have to wait for another 1 hour and 15 minutes stupidly doing nothing? damn.

i grumbled for the whole 15 minutes and the teachers came to tell me that they'll let me out on 10.30. so another 30 minutes then? my geography teacher gave a piece of paper to fill my boredom. so i draw and scratch something for the next 30 minutes. i wish i could upload it here to show you guys but maybe next time larr.

anyway as soon as i went out of the room. i could feel all the light was focusing on me. i could smell the freedom. the taste of freedom. oh im so HAPPY xD HAHA

oh yeah. the title? you guys must be wondering why i wrote it 'in love'. anyway it's nothing special. im just stating that im falling in love with waka's danger gang. what i mean is her voice, dont get me wrong. but waka herself also can la, she's cute ;)

i cant stop from listening to her duty song. waka's voice is so cute that it made me keep on saying the word 'cute' back to back as her voice starts to sing.

im think im going to hunt more for danger gang song :D hehe

until then. (:

Early September Rain

yesterday, the first thing in the morning i could see the cold smoke is thicker until it covered up all the entire school.

i remember how the rain was coming to clear all the thick unharmful smoke and made me realise that 'it's the early of september now'.

well everything was unexpected. early in the morning, i was so happy reading the crows comic, searching for its real life picture and playing dota with garena people.

i'd never expected that this will happened. the smile i have on face earlier on has bleaching itself - helping those melancholic feelings to save me from the long fall i have.

well, after all this time i've never thought about the rain will symbolizes something. it warned me about what will happened at the end of the day but it's just i who was being too ignorant to understand what is going to happened in the future. thank god im prepared for the worst although it hurts me a bit but at least i managed to hold myself from falling deep into the darkness.

those cocoon i adore and care so much has evolved itself to a beautiful butterfly that will find for her soulmate - and she is now. i knew that someday she's going to leave me but my undying love made me stay and care.

until then..

At Last

aha at last i'm able to fight my own feelings. the black moment i had is gone now. i'm stronger now. there's no that pathetic feelings anymore. it's all gone.

i, who always thinking about her, who always misses her, who always need her back in my live.. i'm proudly announce that it's all over now..

last wednesday, i overcome my hardest feelings, which is canceling my friendster accout. what makes me so hard to delete my friendster? hmm. it's because a lot of memories between me and her. bittersweet memories is all i can say. too much sadness and lack of happiness back then. i just dont to look back now.

all that i think now is my future. i dont care about anything. but still, eventhough after all that i'm not 100% happy. but no worries i can handle myself (:

until then.

p/s : goodluck for those who's having their exams including me. i hope we could see each other again next year with the title AE xD

i wish i was a bird

i wish i was a bird..
where i could fly freely..
without the fear of falling..
where i could gaze at the sky and ground..
where everyone knows me with the title 'king of the sky'
but at the matter of fact i'm just a small bird..
who's facing the fear of heights..
who's is very weak and totaly weak..
where standing up is my main problem..
even flying is too much for me..
i can move my featherless wings..
but i cant float like any other bird..
those cold gaze upon me everytime i'm alone..
i'm a victim by that creature
who's always playing with its tongue..
while their pray is in its grip..
i ask myself
why did i born into this cruel world?
the excruciating pain is eating my body..
i shriek..
i cry..
'i dont want to die'
but the only answer is the fading vision..
there goes i to the life with darkness eternity..

until then..

love in a .... ? i dont know..

it was at school but i'm not sure that the area is the same as my present school. i remember that the area was more like my previous high school.

i was talking to my e'as' friends about something. a group discussion if i'm not mistaken. just for your info, i was more closer with her and her bestfriend. well, you guys know who's the 'her' right?

anyway move on back to the story, as soon as we finished doing that study group thingy, she and her bestfriend had a walk with me around the school. but after a moment, her bestfriend had to leave under certain circumstances. i dont know why, i'm not so sure about it but somehow i got this feelings. she left because she wanted us to have a little time alone together. it appeared that her bestfriend knew about my feelings for her.

okay, so both of us were left alone eh? hmm. this will be a hard time for me. huh~both of us were silent for a very looongg moment until she broke the silence shooting me questions.

'umm hey zan,arent your girl gonna to be mad if she sees the both of us walking together?'

'no'

'really? why?'

'because i have no girlfriend'

'dont tell me inoy is not ur girlfriend'

'inoy? hahs. she's like a sister to me'

'oh i see. so you're saying that you're single now ryt?'

'yeah, how about ya? dont tell me you dont have a boyfriend? you're beautiful ***' note : '***' is her name (:

'i used to have one but not anymore. we broke up about a month ago'

'REALLY!?' in an excited voice. 'err.. i mean i feel sorry to hear that,why did you guys broke up?'

'it's because i have my eyes on this one guy. also my boyfriend cheated on me at the same time. so i decided to just let it go'

'oh. your ex-boyfriend must be a stupid person' she laughed when i said this. 'anyway u said that u're interested in one guy right? i wonder who is dat lucky guy? hmm, arent ya gonna tell him? i mean before he's taken..'

'i dont know zan,im afraid that he'll never accepts me. i like him but it's just ... '

'you're not sure ryt? i know how it feels ***. me too,i had those kind of feelings once and it's still here with me. as for me, i always did that and im still doing it. by the time that girl is owned, i cry like hell and curse myself because of it. just tell him that u like him *** before u lose ur chance. i bet he will accepts you because you see, no one can resist your beauty ***'

'how about if i say that lucky person is the person who walks beside me now. i mean you're the person i like zan. dont you realise it? i always looked at you. both of us always got an eye contact as if they were a magnet that attracts each other. i tend to be alone while you were there - near me, just to give you the space for you to fill. so zan,r u understand now how i feel about you?'

yes! i understand now baby. i love you too.. *sigh* it's such a shame that i was speechless at that moment. i wish i could tell her. i want to tell her that i feel the same way at her. why? why cant i speak in that dream. even it's just a dream. for me it's worthed to tell her how i feel about her. slowly and inevitably the vision between me and her is fading and that dream is gone forever. i hope that dream will come again.

*sigh*

she didnt came to school today. i misses her so much. i hope u'll be there at your usual place sitting there doing ur work or talk with ur friends and laugh while ur shoulders are up, ur teeth were shown and ur korean eyes is half-closed. i love to see your face sweetheart. please do come to school tomorrow sweetheart. i longed for that beautiful nature.

until then.

The Happiest Ending Of My Life

The voices are getting louder. They’re real voices, I know they are. I’m not imagining them. Smashes fist into window sill. Whatever I do, they keep talking. Babbling. Shrieking and swearing, cackling like witches.

It was hard to imagine that I was alone at a time like this. I want to cry and scream but I didn’t want the LIVING DEAD to be distracted. I tried to peek but I failed to do so because my body was numbed. I was so petrified until I couldn’t move every single of my body. My heart beats so fast as the voices of the zombies are getting louder and closer. I tried to relax myself by closing my eyes and in the process, I realised that my tears are flowing on my face. I wiped the tears and noticed that the tears were very sticky. “This is no tears, this is saliva” I said to myself. I glanced upwards and …..

“ZOMBIEESSSSS!!!!!”

I realised that it was already too late to swallow back what I’d screamed just now. My foolishness had drawn me into the worst situation of the movie. Now, not only one zombie that is looking straight at me but hundreds of them. My only option is to run away from that ugly creature. I ran as fast as I could and failed to escape from them. The zombies were everywhere. It looked like that I was trap in a pool of zombies. They gave me no choice but to surrender my life to them. I fall to my knees showing how relinquish I was to the circumstances but then I hate to surprised you, while I tried to put my knees on the ground, it stumbled down on a hard unit which I believed a pipe bomb. Quickly my eyes search for an escape and I found out an old house to hide. The plan I had in my mind was to get into the house after I throw the pipe bomb at one place. I wasn’t sure that it will work since I follow this action from Left4dead – a game of zombies where you get to kill all the zombies with one blow of pipe bomb. In the game, pipe bomb was the best weapon you’ve ever have because of the ticking sound from the pipe bomb will drove the zombies away from you and head straight towards the pipe bomb.

So the plan actually was a success. The zombies were distracted by the sound of the ticking sound and I managed to escape from them also blowing the whole group of them in the same time. I thought it was the end of my nightmare right after I blow up all the zombies. But the remaining zombies outside of the house proved me wrong, my nightmare was just begun. Suddenly I heard a noise in a closet like a noise of someone who is trying to get out. Quickly I find myself a protection and my eyes found me a baseball bat. I walked slowly and carefully in approaching the closet. My hands were ready to hit the zombie in the cupboard. I opened the closet and hit the beast inside it only to find that it was a boy in the same age as mine. I helped him to get out from the closet. He introduced himself as Johnny. He was an inch shorter than me. I asked him how that he got here and what happened to this world. He told me that all this zombies were actually a human. They were infected by a mysterious disease from a wreck spaceship that fall from a sky a week before this. The disease had turned them into a living dead creature. I asked him again if there is way to help them changed back into human but he was speechless which tells me that the only thing to do is to run away from them and avoid getting infected.

Then I heard a noise of a splashing window at the back of the house. I know the zombies were coming to after us. Johnny asked me to follow him somewhere. Clueless of the direction where to go, I followed him to the basement and there was a secret passage. Everything was white and built by a high wall. It looks like that we were in a maze. But it was too late, we were tracked by the zombies and this forced us to run away in terror. As the images of the zombies were fading, I found out that Johnny was gone. I couldn’t find him anywhere. I gave up and end up walking alone in this puzzle of nowhere. I really hate this part so much. Why do I have to face a puzzle in this panic situation? I walked and keep on walking until something caught my eyes and stopped me from walking. I found a big crow statue jointed on the wall with a red button on its nose. Before I managed to press the button Johnny stopped me from doing it. He told me not to push it because it was a gateway to hell where all the zombies were kept. Then he leads me into somewhere I’ve never seen before. I trust him in this situation since he seemed to know all the way in the mazes. The place where he leads me on was a place with a big screen that I’ve never ever seen before. It was full of unfamiliar buttons. The place was a total mess and I could see there was a pilot seat in front of the big screen. It was sort of an outer spaceship. Wait, did I say spaceship? I stare at Johnny while he performed me an evil smile on his face. I tried to run but it was already too late. He shut the door before I noticed that I was in that hell and there I was . . . shedding my tears, depressed on knowing that my life will going to end soon. I could see a lots of zombies were coming slowly and happily seeing me as a food to eat. I heard Johnny’s voice laughing and telling me that he was the master of the zombie. The gate of hell that he told me not to enter was actually a safe place with full of zombie-killers that will kill him and his minions with an instant. I was completely tricked. The feeling of anger gave me the strength to choke Johnny to death but the zombies hold me from doing so. I closed my eyes and wait for my death to come.

“GAME OVER!!”

That big words were the words that appeared on the television screen. “Oh no! Darn it! I lost the game”. I was completely pissed off by that villain that called himself Johnny. He tricked me and made me fall into his traps. I promised to myself that the next time I see him, I’ll kill him for sure but first I need something to eat. So I decided to went to the kitchen to get myself a dinner. My eyes were hurt after playing that game for 8 hours straight. The house was completely soundless. I didn’t think much of it since the clock was showing half past eleven. Then I heard a knocked from outside the door. I asked myself who it was coming at this time. Probably it was my dad, he used to be back at home during this time. “Wait up!” I shouted. As I opened the door, the only thing I could spell was the word z-o-m-b-i-e-s.


(1278 words)

The Old Sad Melody

A familiar song was played in repeat while I was sitting in front of one big family picture that’d been hanging on the wall in my living room for many years. Analyzing from one face to another, my eyes were attached to one great man who carried a boy about 5 years old. He was my grandfather whom I loved and respect so much. It had been 10 years since the day he left the whole family. His masculinity was shown on his great physique and his perfect height. The wrinkled face that he had on his face shows how experienced he is in life. His strong hands were the hand that I used to pamper with before he close his eyes for eternity. The light from the fireplace were focusing on the rocking chair where he used to sit before the day with full of tears. I remember when he sat on the chair, holding me in his arms and sang me a song which I really hate to hear it back then. It was an old song that he made by himself. I also remember when he asked me what do I think about that song and I told him that the song was really ugly. His only reaction was laughing, rubbing my head and said “Kitz! Promise me someday that you’ll record and sing that song for me”. My regrets on the fact that I could only record the song for him and didn’t manage to sing it in front of him has never stop me from crying. Sleep well my dear grandpa, may this sad melody of yours will entertain you in your eternal rest. Your memories will always stay in my mind . . .

Friendship

I’m so close to you and yet I can’t reach you

The season’s came and the flowers bloom
Where should my feelings head towards?

Once upon a time not long ago
In the lovely garden
Was a helpless reality and a transient truth

In the blank days where emotions disappeared
I just wanted you to be by my side at least

I thought you’d be the one to understand
My heart is about to break

I just want to hold you in my arms over and over
So why, why do you want to leave me?

The forbidden fruit
If I had not eaten it
Would there have been a different future for us?

How much more do I have to bear?
How much more do I have to suffer?
How much more do I have to sink in solitude?
How much more do I have to shed tears?

The limitless sky knows no shame
It just pours down so nice and sweet

When I close my eyes
I see the bright colors of when I was young

Im so close to you and yet I can’t reach you

The season’s come and the flowers bloom
Where should my feelings head towards?

The broken heart looks for the answer
And my eyes just fill up with tears

I just want to hold you in my arms over and over
So why, why do you have to leave me?

Lyrics by Rentrer En Soi

The Hundreth Post Of Mine

fuhhh~ never thought i had posted this much. yeah,100 post! but nothing much to share with you guys. i just want to inform that starting tomorrow ill change my url address from 'farulsauzan.blogspot.com' to 'maitonami-ikarikenzetsumei.blogspot.com'

until then.

bittersweet in my previous days.

it's been a while since my last update. i nearly forgotten about what had happened 5 days before. well,let me start with monday first,where in ...

27.7.09 :: it was my beautiful sweetheart's birthday along with my two other good friend. deekay and nabil. oh yeah! hurin and jul came to see us at school. we had a lot of fun. i asked hurin to read my palm since she'd promised me before. the result was very satisfying but im so disappointed with my marriage because im gonna have a late marriage. anyway, it was only for fun though. hee. im really sorry hurin for asking you to read other people's hand. i've made u really busy that day. ahaa.. oh yeah,i remember that yus told me that my baby was crying after she received a phone call. ohh. poor kayme-chan.. let me wipe ur tears sweetheart.

28.7.09 :: the next day,tuesday. i bought her a chocolate-cadbury blackforest as a present for her birthday. at first,it was very hard for me to give to her but i managed to do so with the aid of my friends. she accepted my present happily and oh yeah! i saw she was blushing that time. awww. i lovee youu baby. hahaha

29.7.09 :: nothing special occur on this day. but i got the news about her-where she cried after receiving a phone call. yus told me the reason why she was crying on the day of her birthday. i felt sorry for her. she was supposed to be happy that day. it was her birthday. that bastard need to be teach a lesson of respect. stupid ugly bull head. hahaha *emoo..

30.7.09 :: ahaa today. i played dota against my people. the nerds. well,i still couldnt beat muiz. he's a good opponent. but someday,i will beat him alive. haha. anyway,i could defeat him(MAYBE) if i choose the right character. but i still admit defeat on him because he still managed to owned us while haziq is in his team. this shows what a great player he is. i respect you bro. oh yeah, also today is the last day for us to play dota with each other. we need to study hard for our eoy xm. wish us luck. all the best guys.

31.7.09 :: hmm. ill write this short. i didnt open my laptop once nor touch it. so that means i didnt play dota for the whole day. which is my biggest achievement! yeay! haha

1.8.09 :: so it's august now eh.
xm is coming near yet it feels like far away. fizul asked arif to download the new dota map with ai. seriously,the ai sucks. very noobbbbb.. i hate to play against them. i managed to beat the computer ai (insane) for only 25 min when i just got level 3 for my ultimate. sad isnt it? haha oh yeah,i totally forgot. yus told me about what happened to her today and last thursday(while i was busy playing dota). today she got lost in school because she thought that she was having history in the early morning. haha oh kayme-chan! how forgetful you are sweetheart. ahaa ask me next time eh when you forgot your subjects? :p im not a STALKER btw! haha. last thursday,while i was busy playing dota. yus was hanging around at the nerds spot with my kayme-chan (from what yus told me lah). oh! i wish i was there to sit beside her and talk with her and kis ... okay that's too much. i need to control myself here. haha she was imagining that she could wear high heels to school and catwalk with it. yus told me that while she was imagining that she demonstrated it. i wish i could tell you how but i cant. alas! you're so sweet as a human being could be baby. you're the cutest thing that the god ever created for me. i love you sweetheart. i really do. i wish for you to here by my side but that is just too impossible.

*sigh*

very well. until then.

what a 'GREAT' day!

today had been very depressing. i got a beautiful 'U' for my geo and poa for my 2nd mpr. the pain became more worst as mrs. Aida,my e'as' teacher gave me my paper with a big 'E'. i was so down that i almost cry infront of my friends,but Howard comforted me-AT LEAST by telling me that there is always next time. 'you'll do better next time' that words haunted my mind and questioned me all the time. will i do better? can i do it? i've no faith in myself. i've no confidence.

but despite all of that,credits to my sweetheart,kayme(oh! im so in love with her haha:p). she brightened my dark world and revived my deep HURT wound. i dont know, probably this is just my imagination, after we finished our e'as' class, she was waiting for her father nearby the NERDS spot where i got the chance to look at her for distance. i think she deliberately sat nearby us just to gave me an invaluable chance to look at her beautiful figure. thanks baby! ;D ahaa, also she did something that made me laugh, seriously she looks cute waa when she'd been given a massage on her shoulder by her friend. i was laughing and fizul asked me what'd made me laugh. i told him about her and he understood where in the same time he teased me to tell her about what i think of him. ill kill ya zul if u dare!:p haha oh yeah! unexpected thing was happened today, my dad and her dad was coming to picked us up at the same time. also both of us made out of the gate and got to the car at the same time. which i think it was so sweet (: oh yeah! i wanted to say good bye to her but my shyness lead me to just looked her in the eye where we said bye by our hearts and wave to each other using imagination. *sigh*

thanks kayme baby. (:

until then.

i wont see you tonight

cry alone i've gone away
no more nights no more pain
i've gone alone took all my strength
but i've made the change i won't see you tonight

sorrow sank deep inside my blood
all the ones around me
i cared for and loved

building up inside of me
a place so dark, so cold i had to set me free
dont mourn for me
you're not the one to place the blame
as bottles called my name
i wont see you tonight

sorrow sank deep inside my blood
all the ones around me
i cared for and most of all i loved

but i cant see myself that way
please dont forget me
or cry while im away

cry alone i've gone away
no more nights no more pain
i've gone alone took all my strength
but i've made the change i won't see you tonight

so far away im gone
please dont follow me tonight
and while im gone
everything will be alright

no more breath inside
essence left my heart tonight
no more breath inside
essence left my heart tonight

i hate myself and want to die.

here i am lying on my bed, unenergetic, weak and sad. i really hate myself for being such a weak guy. just now i challenged myself to hear the memorial song of farulsauzan, ku ingin kamu. seriously, i thought i will be okay now since i've already forgot about her, i mean most of the things about her - not entirely cus i dont have any intention to forget it but still as the song started those forgotten memories were played back again into my mind. i was wondering,why do i have such life.

why? i asked myself why. why does i have to face this? why sombre keep on embracing me? why do the world have to be cruel on me? 6 months! 6 months! for 6 months i lived in this melancholic life. where there is no light and no hope. everything was seized by darkness and sorrow.

for the past 6 months, i tried to cheer up myself, i smiled, i laughed, i joke, i did everything in order to make myself happy and yet sadness never leaves me. i remember the time when i tried to kill myself by eating 8 tablets at once and saved by the miracle. god gave me the chance to live again but also to be in pain at the same time.

i positively believe that everyone could see my smile, my laugh, my happiness but they didnt know what lies in my heart. a fake smile, a fake happiness, everything was just only a fake. i am a stupid person who hope for a better life but didnt want to do anything about it. i am a person who dream something human couldnt achive. i am a loser who only knows how to run from a battle. i really want to end this life again. possibly by this year. i just hope god allows me to do it.

i have already prepare for my afterlife. i imagined myself screaming with too much pain. being burnt by the pits of hell. chocking myself to death again and again. being laughed by the devil and more. i am not worthed to be a human being. im suppose to be an animal,or even lower than that.

i know people will hate me because of this but i dont give a damn about it. for me, death is the only solution for everything.

until then..

answered by memories

i remember last tuesday one of my registration classmate asked me something. it's about relationship thingy. well, i think he's trying to find a perfect girl for him though. i answered his question calmly.

"hey man,who would you choose? if you met a girl that is not pretty but easy to get? or a hot chick that is so WOW but hard to get?"

"well that just 'ok' girl,where did she lives?"

"kaybee.." he answered shortly.

"hmm, okay guys. let us hear this, i'd an experience with a kaybee girl once. she's one heck of a girl. she's really beautiful man! i admit it,that time it was the most happy time i've ever had in my life but all of that had been ruined..' i sigh.

'why is that?'

'because this long distance relationship can easily be cheated, cus people especially girls, they have this strong desire to meet their partner. well,im not saying it to all girls but it's just that .. so my ex cheated on me for that. it's because we hardly met each other."

"okay,but how long did u have been with her?"

"well, if im not a nice guy, or that patient guy, or not because of my stupid TRUE love to her, i'll be leaving her less than 2 months but in the end we ended up to 1 year and 4 months, pretty long eh? ahaa,so which one would you prefer?"

one of my friends told that they would prefer hardest to get. also then i told them. girls are not hard to get, it's us who makes its hard. just try because you'll never know what's coming. (:

as for my case,kayme-chan *sigh* if only that boyfriend of yours disappeared, ill take his place right away since you'll be vulnerable that time. hahaha

note : to the kaybee-ians. im not being prejudice nor racist her. dont take my words badly okay? im just advising my friend for not repeating the same mistake like i did. i didnt mean any harm. but if you guys take that badly,i guess that's just kaybee-ians after all. which reminds me of her. *sigh*

until then.

my life is dull

*sigh* i dont know why. again i think that my life is so dull. i can't make myself happy even by playing games. it feels that my life is lack of something. i wonder what it is. hmm. oh yeah. dear bloggers. pls do update ur blog please im craving to read some story about u guys. haha i really dont know why. bt come to think of it,it's already july where everyone is busy for their xm. no wonder there is not much update lately.

to those who were having their xm gudluck eh? (:

until then..

sorry for the words i used at you last time.

it has been a week since i deleted that picture from my blog. i feel completely empty. if before i used to be entertained by her and now it's silent who takes over her place. whenever i misses her i just cant stop myself from thinking about her. last sunday, we had a fight. i remember that was the first time ever that i've ever cursed her after more than a year been together. i just couldnt stand the pain by keep getting hurt and curse by her. imagine the feelings when someone we care so much hurting and cursing us without feeling guilty. that's how i feel and i've been through for more than a year. it's hard for a men to just shut themselves up whenever they get scolded or cursed. and what about me? i've been shut myself up for more than a year from saying anything whenever she curses me. and that day she really pushed me to my limitation. but really, after saying that i feel regret. i want to apologize bt it's not my fault. *sigh*

god, lend me the strength to overcome this test. lend me the will to continue this test..

decision and fate

i was just thinking..
maybe it was right decision to let you go..
or maybe it was the stupid thing that i've ever done in my life
i was so confused..
everything was unexpected..
just now you told me that you'll marry me..
but after 2 second you left me alone in this dark sad night..
i tried hard to heal your wound but instead you hurt me to death..
i brought you a milk to drink but you gave me blood as a payment..
i was so hurt that i'd made up a decision to let you go..
well after all you got a new substitute where your love to him for the distance between u and him..
bt between that i could see tears flowing in ur heart..

smile baby! smile..
cus i dont want to feel guilty for my stupid decision..
just smile for me even deep inside ur heart u want to come back home badly..
fate had seperated us..
it's not u either me who want this..
but this is it, the cruel side of life..
where there is sadness and happiness..
where there are good and evil..
where love can be annoying and fun..
this is how it is..
now let us just live our own life..
so we could see the shining light again..
and so then,may happiness shall be with us eternally..

until then..

The Day I Was Born

It was on 25th December 1991, I remember vividly that it was one of the happiest moments in the world. Everyone was busy celebrating about Christmas but actually the light wasn’t focusing at there. The light was in the hospital. It was really dark that time, I couldn’t see anything but I could hear somebody was screaming “PUSHHHHHHH!!” although it was not that clear but I could understand the unknown language clearly. Then all of a sudden, I screamed and screamed without any reason. I could see lights were coming from all over direction. “Congratulations! You got a baby boy!” By listening to that word I knew exactly that I was born to this world. “What should we call him?” “I already got a perfect name for him, from now on we’re going to call him Herzan Farahy” So from that day, another soul whose name ‘Herzan Farahy’ were born into this world.

NOTE : Actually this is my essay for my e'as' project. I dont know why i posted in here,i just feel like it :)

St. Anger

huh what is this? is this some kind of shit jokes or what? i've been spending my freaking time to make that just to humiliate myself?! what are you guys thinking? dont cha have any brain of what? are you a human or just some stupid junk? you guys get compliments and lots of compliments for that while i got the shit out of it. bullcrap! can you guys just stop thinking about yourselves and start to think about other people? everybody knows about it and it humiliates me so damn shit! and now what,you want to sell my name to the garbage of doowylloh!? WHATT??!!! this is just insane!! you just not humiliated me but you also shitting on my name. damn you!! ill never ever forgive and forget this!

until then..

Song For You Remix

i think this is the short post ever that i ever posted in this blog.

i love the edited song so much! xD

the girl in my dream

*sigh*

i dont how and i dont know why that girl appeared into my dream last two weeks. again,this post was supposed to be posted last two weeks. well,i saw her today at school which reminds me about my dream last two weeks. well,i actually know this girl but i dont know her name and also i dont talk to her. she's one of the members from my dance club. she's quite pretty actually but i dont have any feelings for her. yet this made me confused. as i said before,i dont know how and i dont know why that girl came into my dream all of a sudden and become my girl where we had a sweet romance thingy..

*sigh* im a lil bit confused with it actually. as i woke up from that dream i said to myself 'okay... how do that girl ... and why her?'

haha guess i couldnt figure it out myself. so i just ignore it..

until then..

It's time for everything.

actually this post supposed to be posted last thursday when i deleted the picture but the lazy me just cant stop from pending it from time to time.

oh yeah,i got this feeling last thursday. it came out of nowhere. it just popped into my brain. i never knew that it would take 5 months to forget everything. well,not entirely but i can manage to control my emotions now. it is a good news for me since i got the positive thinking. 'it's over now,i've to move on and it's time for everything' so off it goes.. that's it.. i just wish that nothing gonna disturb me from doing want i wanted to do.. wish me luck in getting a partner.. haha just kidding..

until then..

For you, my kayme-chan.

i met you this morning..
i was so happy when i see your face..
your angelic face made me feel that..
but there is something wrong..
as when i see ur face..
it freeze my heart cold..
which only you who could melt it.
now im stuck with those familiar feelings again..
where i couldnt say beautiful to another girl..
you beauty is incomparable..
you are so perfect as human could be..
you are more sweeter than honey..
why girl? why? why did you have to appear again?
after three weeks of holiday,i can barely remember ur face..
now it is ur face that hunts me.
your face is all i could see..
i miss you yet i regret that i meet you..
im so confused..
if only i could touch youu..
if only i could talk to youu..
if only .... *sigh*

i just dont know girl..
im confused with my own feelings..
i just hope you know how i feel..

until then..

Mosquitoes

last night i was having a nice sweet dreams when a mosquitoes attacked me and bit me to the heart. oh man! this is so shit.

okay,it was last night while i were busy doing my homework peacefully then a thunder struck to my phone. oh hell. it was my ringtone. i received a warning from someone to delete my pic with my ex in my blog. well,actually it annoys me until now. that is my privacy,to be honest i hate people who asked me pleasely to do something i dont want. it is stupid. but the thing is i already removed that picture out of my blog last 4 days. (yeay! finally i have to power to did that) and it was last night that person wanted me to delete it like hell. i just dont get the idea when IT said that picture was still in my blog when i checked at THAT TIME there isn't any SAD faces in there. i dont know whether that person was getting bored or .... so then that person came to disturb my life.. *sigh*

im really tired with this. look people,if you HATE THE CONTENT! JUST CHANGE THE WEBSITE! I DONT FORCE YOU TO VIEW IT! It is my PROPERTY! and i can do whatever that i WANTED TO!

im off to school now.. until then..

if only things flow as i want'em to be..

*sigh*

i've just finished reading my old post. it was my post from january. i was so stubborn to click on the link and now i pay for the consequences.

again,just like before. those stupid past came back to me. playing back all of those bittersweet memories in my head like some sort of cinema, movie or something. i tried hard to forget everything but now it easily break into my mind like ... i dont know how to explain but i know for sure by remembering the past,the tears will never stop from falling. i know it. look at me now,so pitiful,sad. i feel sorry for my self. in fact,sometimes i hate being me. i hate to have a life like this. everything didnt flow as it should be.

sometimes i wondered why did god gave me such life. why am i being tested like this. but it's all useless since there is no answers to my question..

now let me cry my self till dawn..pathetic me..

*sigh*

until then..

Song For You [Herzan Kitz's Part]

this song i made it for you.. just for you.. just for you..
this song i made it for you.. just for you.. just for you..
remember the time when i lean u my kiss..
remember the time when i touch u like this..
ohh.. everything was sweet..
i want to do it again..

so i made this song for you..
song that i made it for you..
so i could tell you i love you..

oooo~baby tell me why ..
do you have to leavee.~~~
*sigh*

but i know that everything has change..
and i know that u'll never be back again..
all of those just a matter of a memory..
cus i realised that everything was just dream..

everything was just a dreamm...

busy saturday

ill make this short since im too tired to write a full story.

today was very tiring. every hour of today took all of my energy inside my body and that is not COOL!

okay,this morning i woke up at 7 after my 5 hours sleep last nite. then i brushed my teeth and rushed to the peak with my parents and my lil brother. my father told us that behind the peak there is a beautiful scenery where we could soothe ourselves by enjoying the view of the sea. what my father had said was true. i was amazed as i glanced to the beautiful blue azure sky that combined with the blue ocean that made them look like one.

after lunch,i went to safwan's house to get prepare for our recording. the result was not that satisfying since the autotune didnt go as i planned but overall it was ok. just wait for it in the radio. hopefully it'll be ok.. *hoping*

arhhh. im starving. actually i didnt get the chance to eat this whole day and now im at my auntie's house for a birthday party. okay i better stop now cus i need to eat right now or ill die. haha *over..

until then..

the feeling within my self

lately i feel so jealous when i go online and look at those nick who were in a relationship. i just dont know why. this happened in all of a sudden.

yeah,yesterday when i was looking at my friend who brought their lover with them. i said something in my heart. well,let just keep that a secret. i dont know whether i should say jealousy or envy.

to be honest,i really need someone who i could get pampered with. someone who could make me scream to them 'i love you'. someone who i could call and tell them 'i miss you'. someone who i could meet and hold their hands while the others were looking at us,envy because of the romance we have. oh i miss all of the relationship thing. to be exact,i actually miss all the time i had with her.

i could find my partner anytime that i want but it is just ...

*sigh* if only i could break my promise...

until then..

Yesterday Reunion

i just woke up from having a long sleep after my reunion with my beloved nerdos. xD

it's 1.30 am now and man! im so tired. yesterday was fun. we got picked up by Jul at 10.00 am and went straight to quilap. as soon as we arrived there, fifi welcomed us and invited us to the restaurant but instead of heading to the restaurant,we (fauzan,me,arif,syam) went to heritage. it's an internet cafè where i used to work before. i met my old friend there while fauzan and the others were surfing the internet searching some video. oh yeah,i forgot to mention about Jul. he was left behind by us at the restaurant but then he gave me a call and i told him where to find us.

time was moving so fast we didnt realised it was the time for us to be in the restaurant. we rushed towards the restaurant and wait for the others to come. 3 important members (muiz,hairus n fizul) or should we call v.i.p haha. they arrived about 20 minutes after we got there in time. teachers were invited but only teacher isma came,only for a short time though. so lunch started,10 minutes after that aira came with her cool apperance. also i took everyone's pictures and videos including Jul's action while he was eating. haha hold on! we were missing 1 member here. oh yeah! i totally forgot about him. i message him early in the morning and got the reply in the middle of my lunch. poor judin~i feel sorry for ya fella..

then after lunch,the girls have planned to watch a movie 'the transformers 2' that evening. but the problem is we got no car! so the damn part is we have to walk all the way to quilap mall. it's not because of the walk thing that i cursed of *sigh* it's because the memories i have with my beloved ex. that place was where we last met. quilap mall. and walked to hua ho thing.. urhhh! i have to stop this. it's over now!
hahaha wth!

so let us continue the story. where was i? oh yeah,as soon as we step our foot there,i realised that everyone was sweating. yeah,yesterday was hot. i admit that. we then booked the ticket to watch the movie. at first i really didnt want to watch the movie because i got no money but then fifi covered it up for me. man! i was so embarrased even until now. also the other problem is i have owed $16 from two people now. :'( waaaaa~my allowance. huhu.

the movie starts at 2 pm,that time it was still about 1.45. we still have 15 minutes left,so we hang around at arcade to waste some time xD. hairus and safwan battle for score points in a shooting match. im not sure who won the match because i was busy looking at the others who were also playing games.

it was at 2, i and the others were waiting outside the cinema. it was hot. again it made us sweat. about 5 minutes later,the guards let us come into the cinema. at first,i thought it was not that cold in there since the outside of the cinema was hot. but i was wrong,that place is cold like hell that it almost freeze me up.

the movie started...

i didnt pay.. i mean fifi didnt pay for nothing. it was sure an awesome movie. transformers 2. full of action,a lil humour,also there is a part that is not suitable for an underage like me. haha but i dont give a damn! xp

after the movie finished,fizul invited us to hang around at arcade again but unfortunately we had to go home. so it was canceled ,MAYBE. after i got back home with arif,i just went straight away to my bed and closed my eyes to have a dream of my kayme-chan. haha just kidding. what was the time again? 5 pm maybe. so i slept about 8 hours then.
wow! a long sleep xD

okay guys,that's all for today.

until then..

random

there hasn't been much update lately. i apologized for it. *sigh*

maybe i was too busy this holiday. again,when i think of what i've done this holiday,nothing was important. playing dota, sleeping, eating, football and more. as usual,nothing can help me through my studies and exam.

come to think of it, i havent touch any book this holiday. im so darn lazy to think about school yet when my mind goes to think about exam. im scared to death,i kept saying to my self 'i want to read! i dont want to fail! i dont!' it's just this body of mine didnt flow with its owner's will and brain. *sigh*

this holiday,i feel so empty. i miss that girl so much. i wonder if she misses me? she never will. i know that. why should she? she got her boyfriend for her to miss instead of me. *sigh* oh well,this is world. nothing will ever happen the way we want them to. i wish i was in paradise right now.

until then..

i miss you

i glanced at the dim and sparkling lights on the sky. ahh what a beautiful thing to see this night,i thought. i stared at it for few minutes and at the very moment i enjoyed the scenery,i realised that i was lost from reality.

i remember that last saturday i was wondering around at the school. i spent my time there hanging around and looked at the activities that'd been held in school that saturday. without realising,i actually learned to enjoy them. i told my self that im going to miss the atmosphere of the school. this is going to be a long holiday. while thinking,i found my self stopped infront of my e.'as' class. i didnt know how did i get there.

i stepped in and looked around the surroundings. i pictured my kimi-chan sat on her chair doing her work like what i always saw in my previous class. her soft movement. what she usually does. her silent laughter. everything was in my hallucination.

ohh it just only one day and im beginning to miss her already. oh kimi-chan,this two weeks will be my worst holiday ever. if only i could call you ...
ohh kimi-chan~

until then..

The Heart Of A Loser

I know that it was wrong...
I know that it's already too late...
I know that the mistake I made had cost me this trouble..
Watching you in pain waiting for me..
I know I threw my life time opportunity..
I'm really sorry baby..
But you'll never understand that I'm nothing but a coward..
A coward that only dare to love you withou saying anything..
A coward that only dare to look at you when you're not looking..
A coward that only dare to say something in his heart without confessing..
By doing this,I know that I'll never be able to touch you..
I know that I'll never ever get you..
I failed before the test..
I lost without a fight..
And I die before trying..

Now, tell me sweetheart that the best way is just to keep this feeling..
Let it inside me and kept it locked in its chest..
Sigh,I know that I'm just a mere loser..
I know that I'm not the right guy for you and I will never be one..
Baby, just let me see that graceful smile of yours with someone else i don't know..
So I can redeem this guilt by burying the perfect pain inside my heart endlessly..
Kimi-chan, my love towards you are eternally immortal.. believe me..
I'll always love you and it will always be forever..

until then ..

wrote on the 3rd june due to the opportunity that i wasted during the rainy day on 2nd june. im sorry..

Mountain Gold That I Just Look Without Taking Some Of It

arhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! i hate MYSELF!! i TOTALY HATE my SELF!!!!! arghhhhhhh!!!!!!!! why am i so stupid? whyy? why after i waited that long,i just wasted it like nothing!? what happened to me? i couldnt believe it. i wanted it so badly and yet i didnt grab it. urghhhh!!!!!

im so fuckingly a coward. how can i call my self with the title 'pencinta wanita' if i dont even have the guts to talk to her. she was right infront of me! why just i cant go to her and say hi then have a lil coversation? why?? my freaking leg wont move. it was frozen solid,all i did was nothing but looked at her when she looked at me! i can tell that she was waiting for me to come to her! that's why she was there! she gave me the opportunity to talk to her and i wasted it :'( i could see her angelic face in dissapointment after both of our parents arrived to pick us. i believed it,she was really waiting for me. i know it deep inside her heart. i can see in her eyes.

im really2307x sorry kimi-chan. im sorry :'( i know i should stand beside u this evening and started to know each other. i believed that u'll hate me after u gave me the opportunity that i wasted. i love you. i realise that nothing in this world going to stop that feeling inside of me. if u really are hate me because of today,ill just keep this feeling inside me and just protect u from behind. by doing that,i know that is the only way i can express my feeling towards you.

kimi-chan,im really sorry.

until then.

hope

so it's starting all over again. the fight between me and my ex has started once again. i dont know,maybe this is life. i need to hate her to forget her. bt yet i cant do that. it's been three months now.

last saturday morning while i was having a geo class,all of a sudden my mind flashed back to the memory of my first kiss that i had with my noty. sweet moment yet it's so hurtful.

for 3 months and a half i still couldnt forget her. i still couldnt erase her from this pathetic love of mine. i dont know how much is my love towards her. i just hope it will end soon.

moodyy,it had made me.. all i need to do is torture my self by hating her with every strength i have. hope the dream of mine will come soon..

im waiting. until then

sweetdream

*yawning* just woke up an hour ago. still sleepy. last nite,i slept around 3 am. i'd a gc with my beloved nerdos until 1,maybe,if im not mistaken.. :) then i played PES with my brother and i lost 3 times in a row. damn! i suck. hahaha

oh yeah. last nite was fun especially when i was sitting close to her and holding her hands. very romantic. haha also yeah,that girl told me to let go her hand but then i noticed her reaction. she actually liked when i hold her hand that tight and dont want to let me go. too bad there was no kisses last nite. hahaha =p

oh well,i didnt ask for more. to dreamed her last nite is already enough for me. i never plan about dreaming her actually. kimiii-chann. i love you :) thanks for appearing in my dream. thanks for helping me to get rid of my stress. thank you.

until then..

Revenge For Blood

That night was full of blood and tears. The war between those two families had come to an end at last. Even though that the war had ended, the feeling of hatred was still prevail. The desire to avenge his father’s death has become a part to his heart and he made a promise to himself, he will kill the killer of his father and claim back the title that they should have. Day passes to week and months changing to year, everybody seems to forget the tragedy between those two families.

note : guys! what do you think about the opening. Do you think I should continue it?

a gud thing? or the opposite?

i heard two days ago that my noty has go back with her bf. yeay! i dont whether this is a good news or not but definitely a good thing for her. to see her happy is my main objective. oh yeah,all of my confusion are all gone now :D that's what the 'yeay!' for hahakz.

noty,i love you so much my dear. i just want us to be bestfriend sweetheart,not more than that. pls be happy always with ur love one. *hugs* and yeah,im really sorry for causing u much trouble. i didnt do that on purpose.

okay,that's all for now.. need to relax my mind. im so darn freaking stress on thinking how to get more closer with my beloved kimimaru-chan. hahaha xp

until then..

S . O . S

guys,help me! im confused. just now something had happened and it made me to tears. 3 girls that i have in my mind vanished all of sudden because of this.

my beloved noty asked me to goback with her. she promised me that everything will not be the same as before,she's changing now.

tell me guys,what should i do? as u all know,i still love her so much. from the day she left me,my love at her never fade even a little. no matter how many times i try,my heart is still hers. her face is the one who haunts me in my dream. i still want her but when i think about what had she done to me before,the pain wont go away. it still hurts until now,i often cry when i think about it.

im so darn confusedd xS..

FB

well,well,well.. if before we use friendster to make a lot of friends. now we use facebook..

ehem2

i just made my facebook yesterday. so to all of you who have a facebook. please do add me up okay?

either search my name 'herzan kitz' or my email 'zero_kitz2307@html.cm'

oh yeah,yesterday i tried to sign in for my facebook but then i forgot my password.. silly me. haha..

today i retrieve my password by asking the facebook to sent the password to my email.

okay that's all for now..

until then..

Bad Day

i hate my fucking life.. today for the second time,i lost my spec. shit! this had happened twice. mom's going to be mad at me. i hate my self. god,why did u give mu such life? why is it have to be this,the thing that i have problem with. god,pls u can give me any test but not this. even the test is someone who i love hates me.. i know it'll hurt more than the test i have now but i dont care. i just hate to make my parent sad,mad especially my mom. looking back on her hard work,i regret that i was born to this world by her. she didnt deserve a son like me. she suppose to get a better one.

*sigh*

i hate my life..

For my beloved girlfriend

i watch you today as i watched you before.
with the beautiful azure of the blue sky as your background
your beauty look so perfect.

as the sunlight fades,the dull comes.
the gloomy shares its darkness
the cold of the night wind chill my spine.
i can see nothing but all dark and murky night.

the light from the street were dim.
it is so hard to see everything
stab my heart if you dont believe me.
even the one with vision also falls.

despite all of that,you are the only thing i could see.
your lightness alters everything.
you are the shine of dark
and you are the smile of bright.

because you are my special one
you are my bestfriend
and you are my life
stab my heart if you dont believe me...
cus i swear to god that everything i said is true..

"HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY MOM!"

note : actually this poem is for my nerds,my bestfriend and my ex-girlfriend. never thought to dedicate this for my mom. but then after i think for a while. this poem also suits for my mom on today mother's day. (:

god bless you

i just got home a few minutes ago. i set my phone to play all indonesian song that i have in my cellphone.

suddenly,it accidentally played a long forgotten song that i've never ever dare to play and a song that i'd forgot for more than two months.

'ku ingin kamu by romance'

i didnt expect this will happen,probably because i've forgotten that song for more than two months. as the intro starts,my mind flies back to the past where sadness that i've tried to kill before but instead of killing it i only managed to locked itself in a place that no human ever step their foot on it.

now,it unleashed itself from the cage i made and it gradually caresses my heart and make my eyes drops millions of diamonds. my body is weakening. my hands is trembling. i want to scream. grief! grief! grief! and grief! so that the gate guardian of heaven can also feel my pain.

*sigh* life is so frustrating.

god,i have one good wish. please remove all my miseries from my body so that i could sleep forever in peace. where i can feel no hurt and warm. where i couldnt do anything but listening. where i called that life a perfect life.

. . .

. . . . .

so after all that i can rest my self .. in peace..

for my beloved BE UTD

i just got home about half an hour ago. i feel bad leaving my teammates playing against boo fc-the second toughest team after ASI. i know that we are going to lose no matter how hard we'll play. due to my injury,there is no way i could play properly.

sometimes hearing my friend said 'it's easy with you in the team,they only focus on you not us,so we could break their defender easily' is making me sad because for me they are trying to make themselves low,as if im the superstar and they are nothing. i hate that. we are team. i am nothing-just like them.

*sigh*

hearing all my friend to say like that makes me sick,especially the opposing team. it is like they think that my team only rely on me and they think that my team is nothing without me. i cant prove them wrong. i just dont know how.

for me,if i dont have my team,i will be a nobody. seriously. now,i think it is more better for me not to play today. so all our opponent can see that my team still can give a fight even without me in the team.

im so proud of their will to play eventhough i was trying to make them forfeit the match without playing. i did that deliberately cus i just want them to prepare themselves during our next and last match against DM utd.

i guess that's all for today. wish you luck guys. i know you guys can alse give them a hell even without me playing with ya. show the what BE UTD are made of!!

until then..

Stupid Nightmare

okay,im going to make this one simple. enjoy reading guys.

last nite i had a dream. i dreamt about something stupid and something that would make me go crazy if it is true.

i was at school-walking alone from the canteen. i had no where to go. so i decided to rest my self at the old spot where the NERDS use to hang around. on my way there i saw kim with a guy that i used to know with a name 'king kong' sitting so close to each other and they were so amicable. to be honest,i was so darn fucking JEALOUS. haha

and the worst part is when the king kong layed his body to kim and kim embraced him in return. wtf?? shxt!!!!! i hate this dream so damn much.

also i remember that kim said something like this to that big monkey 'i miss you so much baby'..

ohhh! im so stress thinking about it. after that i forced my self to woke up because i believed that the dream shouldnt be continued as it should be. i remember that i said something before i went back to sleep again.

'stupid dream'

okay,that's all for now.

until then..

addiction

i dont know why but currently i tend to do them everyday. here are the list,it's not arrange thou.

im addicted to :

1. mishing my noty every morning.
2. listening to j-rock and my own song everytime.
3. watching kim's face
4. joking and hang around with my friends.
5. sleep during class.
6. playing dotA and currently godfather xD.
7. sleep after 12 am.

that's all i think,ill update again next time. and oh yeah,for your information,i'd finished recording my song last friday. just ask me if you guys want it,im not forcing you to take it,this is only for those who have requested my song before. okay. i need to take a nap.

until then..

p/s : happy birthday to J-EMO aka hafizul. congratulations for getting old mate. xp

dont make me hate you!

today,i was so moody. every of my english 'AS' mate bothered me by asking 'what's with you? why the long face? why so serious'

*sigh*

to be honest,i hate being bothered when im down. ill tell when i need to. im not that kind of guy who usually put secrets. i need a time to tell everything. my closest friend will be the first one to know what happened,even he seem didnt care about it. dats what i like. mind ur own business!

after EAS class today,nj force me to tell her what's going on. what i hate is,she's so hypocrite. she once told me that she didnt share her secrets to everyone. the reason is what is the point to tell her secrets? will it be solved? yet she asked me by forced to tell her what's going on.

and i have to tell her... and it's a lie.

i told her about yesterday where kim avoided me when i tried to approached her. and i deliberately being moody just to watch kim's reaction..

which is half true.. the reason why im being so moody today is i miss my noty. her image just acrossed my mind before my EAS class. i miss her so much.
i think my love towards her is more than my love towards kim.

god must be cursing me because i still couldnt forget my past..

i hate my self so bad..

voice of regret

i was in tears. in my hand was a picture of me and him. comparing to my life now,it is more enjoyable to be with him. i remembered the time when we had our first kiss,he hold me tight and touched my lips gently. the heat that he brought to me was a sense of the feeling of love within our relationship. i also remember that he always spent most of his time chattering with me rather than gaming or anything that any of boys would do. yea, i admit he often makes me bored before but now i've been missing his laughter,jokes and his annoying attitude,sometimes the repeated question he used to asked me. which make me feel that i want to be with him again.

looking at his life now,it's more better for him to stay like that. i'd been making his life so miserable even after the day i left him. the misery and pain that he feel reminds me of the guilt that i've done to him. i wondered how he struggled so hard to keep our love alive for more than a year. his eagerness for a long last relationship amazed me,even after all the thing i'd done that have crushed his heart into pieces. i know he's so broken now but yet he's pretending to be happy. his laughter and smile is so warm that it could makes people believed that it really is true.

i know that im wrong but yet i still blamed him for the cause of our break up.

"sarah why did you do this to me? why did you leave me? how could you? i love you so much. i've never done anything wrong to hurt you. pls dont leave me. im begging you please"

the sad last word i'd ever heard from him. i remember how he plead me for symphathy, for me to think twice for what im going to do and yet i still ignored him.

*sigh*

remembering all the bad things that i'd done,im so ashamed to say the word 'sorry'. im so sorry daniel,im really sorry. i wish u could ever heard me said this but i will never ever say it to you. for now let all the things happen as it be. ill be sure to get along with you as a friend sometimes. i know that you'll never ever forgive me for what i've done but that doesnt matter. in order to redeem my guilt ill try everything to redeem it..

until then..

delusion that brings a disappointment and gratification

last nite i was at the mall checking in at the rizqun hotel. after everything was done,i called some friends of mine and have a party in my room. it was totally fun,the room was also in a mess because of them.

suddenly i felt that i need to take some fresh air,so i decided to go to the verandah to take some. while relaxing my mind,i gazed at the surroundings. it's so peaceful and refreshing.

'psst~psst~'

i heard a voice that 'psst' me. i searched for the voice and gradually my eyes looked beside my verandah. i smiled but my heart was totally in chaos. it beats so fast until i could barely heard it beats. standing infront of my eyes was kim,whom i adored so much that i've ever did in my life. i stared at her beautiful face and astounded by her beauty that makes my heart fall. she looked so wonderful that night. i was amazingly amazed. she replied my reaction with her facinating smiles.

to prevent her eyes from looking away from me,i started to draw her attention. i didnt sure what i did and what our conversation was but it sure kept her attention towards me. i didnt sure how long we've talked,but we sure enjoyed our time by talking to each other. i invited her to my room after i realised that my room was empty. happily she accepts my invitation n went straight away into my room.

i opened the door for her and greet her with a warm smile.

"come on in" i smiled and didnt waste my chance to stared at her irresistible beauty.

she only responded it with smiles. ahh,her smiles was perfectly stunning,i said to my self. i requested her to sit with me on the bed and without question she quickly do my instruction.

to break the silence. i started my word with .....

"you're so beautiful tonight kim" i said while staring at her wonderful pair of eyes.

she smiled and thanked me for my compliment. i waited for her to talk but it seem she didnt know what to ask me. realising that we'll fell into silence,i continued to talked.

"it must be a coincidence that we met at a place like this..." i stop and looked at her face,waiting again for her to reply my words. realising that she wouldnt respons to what i said,i teased her.

"or .. you follow me here because u know that im going to stay here tonight" i smiled.

her expression change. she began to talk "no,no.. it isnt what u think. i've never intended to follow you here,i didnt even know that you're going to stay here. really.."

"oww so sweet,you're defending yourself now haha i enjoy doing that. really.. " i gave her a big smile and winked at her.

she mad and grumbled after i know that i mocked her deliberately. she was cute when she's doing that. i soothe her anger easily. i dont know how but somehow i managed to made her laugh and smile again. after she realised that it was already late,she asked me if she could go. i let her and escort her to the front door.

"it was nice to talk with you herzan,thanx!"

"my pleasure kim"
i smiled

then she went straight away to her door. as she opened the door,i watched her slowly move herself into her room. all of the sudden,my mind tells me that this is the perfect time.

"kim" i stopped her.
"yes zan?" she asked.
i brought her into her room "actually,i want to tell you something. it's not that important but uhh.. im not sure what,i bet u're going to mad at me when i told you this"
"try me" she smiles.
"remember the time when i told you that you're so beautiful? i really mean it" i said.
"yeah,i know that u're really mean it" again she smiled.
"kim,pls dont mad at me when i told u this. actually i like you. i love u more than anybody else" i confessed.

i could see a dissapointment at her face after i told her that. knowing that im going to be rejected,i asked her to save her breath. then i began my pace and leave her alone. but then she stops me.

"hey,its not a gentlemen to leave a gurl after they confess their feeling" she teased me. "haha you should watch ur face when u're in that state" she laughed.

i said to my self "wth,erhhh,eeeeee" it feels like i want to bite her with all my might. but then i heard she continues to talk. it's the word that i dont want to miss for the rest of my life.

"im sorry for doing that zan but i just want to reply what've u done to me earlier" she smiled. "and to be honest,i love you too"

it feels like i was in a heaven after i heard she said i love you too. it was a pleasant thing to hear that she said like that. the moment of happiness continues as we stared at each other and slowly moving closer,closing our eyes and lean our face towards each other.

and suddenly my alarm rang. i understand now that it was only a mere dream. damn! it was so disappointing. i thought it was real. damn! i try to sleep,continuing my dreams but i cant waste my time cus i have to get ready to school.

i wish that dream will come true.

p/s : i wrote this about 4 hours. fuhh,it feels like im writing a short story. actually my dream was short but to make it look intresting,i expand the story using repetition,simile and more xDD to fizul,pls comment me on my writing. just considered this as short story okay? and about the short form,just ignore it (: and yeah,if u guys realised,about the verandah. i dont rizqun have one. if im not mistaken laa,cuz this is my dream,you know,anything can happen in dreams.

*exeunt*