i hate myself and want to die.

here i am lying on my bed, unenergetic, weak and sad. i really hate myself for being such a weak guy. just now i challenged myself to hear the memorial song of farulsauzan, ku ingin kamu. seriously, i thought i will be okay now since i've already forgot about her, i mean most of the things about her - not entirely cus i dont have any intention to forget it but still as the song started those forgotten memories were played back again into my mind. i was wondering,why do i have such life.

why? i asked myself why. why does i have to face this? why sombre keep on embracing me? why do the world have to be cruel on me? 6 months! 6 months! for 6 months i lived in this melancholic life. where there is no light and no hope. everything was seized by darkness and sorrow.

for the past 6 months, i tried to cheer up myself, i smiled, i laughed, i joke, i did everything in order to make myself happy and yet sadness never leaves me. i remember the time when i tried to kill myself by eating 8 tablets at once and saved by the miracle. god gave me the chance to live again but also to be in pain at the same time.

i positively believe that everyone could see my smile, my laugh, my happiness but they didnt know what lies in my heart. a fake smile, a fake happiness, everything was just only a fake. i am a stupid person who hope for a better life but didnt want to do anything about it. i am a person who dream something human couldnt achive. i am a loser who only knows how to run from a battle. i really want to end this life again. possibly by this year. i just hope god allows me to do it.

i have already prepare for my afterlife. i imagined myself screaming with too much pain. being burnt by the pits of hell. chocking myself to death again and again. being laughed by the devil and more. i am not worthed to be a human being. im suppose to be an animal,or even lower than that.

i know people will hate me because of this but i dont give a damn about it. for me, death is the only solution for everything.

until then..