Lovelorn or .... ?

listening to : some random song played by moon

ahh ..

it has been a while since the day i stepped my foot on the school's ground. Despite me as the person who hates school, I kinda miss it so much.

Maybe it's because of my friends? or is it also because of that girl?

I kinda long to meet her and see that beautiful angelic face.

Anyway, i didnt expect to miss waking up in the morning, going one on one with my dad in the car in the morning silence with only us talking with the wind and then as i stepped my feet on the school's ground it's time to meet all my friends - going crazy with them.

it's such a fine morning to start with.

in school, i never think that i will miss to sit with the j-club family - playing cards, joking and lastly poking each other.

also, it's kinda sad for me to see all my juniors going to the registration class to take their attendance while me having myself sitting down on the bench of school's canteen. if I'm allowed i want to join them but it's all over for me now.

my two years life in katok is almost on its end, soon i will find my self sitting and sleeping - doing nothing on my bed. the never ending rest i longed for after these years yet it's something that i'm afraid to face.

but overall, i guess i did miss all of that.

today is the day for me to start dancing with my fingers, writing some beautiful words and shares it with the examiner in UK. I wonder if the magic fingers are still with me?

*sighs*

nonetheless, i have to do better in my exam later (:

Theater Boy (:

it was in a theater

i saw this boy ..

from the first glance,

i knew he was in pain ..

lucky for him, he was an actor..

a good one that could stun everyone with his tremendous acting skills

and made everyone leave with huge appalling applause..

living in the world of theatre,

he greeted everyone

with smile ..

a joyous one that could cheer all the audience around the stage..

a comfortable smile yet disturbing..

chaotic inside but visually merry..

i wondered what made him in pain?

he was my favourite actor of all time..

he lived in a luxurious life and he made everyone happy..

but why? why was he in pain?

frustation condemned me,

and i couldnt find an answer,

i wanted to know his secret,

this secret of him was killing me

but ..

in the end, i left ..

frustrated ..

sad with curiousity engraving me ..

earlier before,

i saw a mirror ..

and a reflection of an empty theater ..

with no audience and no actor ..

i could see no body but empty seats..

lastly, i realised something..

it was the curtain ..

a closed curtain ..

Ugly Duck

she is an ugly duck,
living in the world of hatred,
and cries everyday
less jealousy in life but filled with emptiness.
with the full impression of being ugly, she stands as a social outcast.
that silent nature she possesed makes everything worse.

yet behind that hideous nature
i find her to be sweet,
inside her is a pure white heart,
a lovely one that can steal someone's attention,
mesmerises their hearts,
and grabs them without mercy
a poor innocent being with beautiful wings,
a scary nature but a wonderful one.

no eyes can see this,
only those who are chosen can see this fortune,
how lucky i am as a human,
to be able to catch a glimpse of a breath-taking sight.

chaotic.kimi

specially made for my dear love (:

she was an angel - a wingless one.

the moment she came to my life..
a sparkling bright light altered the dark sky of mine.

ahh, lovely ..

she brought hope to this world of despair..
with rain pouring endlessly from the chaotic sky..
she cleansed every tiny black bits
of my life..
killing the false utophia i long to banish..

will thou come with me? she offered.
her soft fingers held my face and gave me a stunning smile.

"it's time to end your current life and start a new one with me. i shall bring you to the heaven thou desire to see..
let us go home and you shall be my guest tonight"

.... i was left speechless but i knew if i decline this offer, i will be regretting my whole life.

she smiled and offered her hand. i smiled and walked beside her knowing the journey will be a long and yet a happy one.

i love you hana <3

Arggghhh -.-

listening to : Ryuushi Ni Tokete Nagareru Namida To Memai No Sou Ni Ranhansha Suru Saisei No Koe - Satsuki

i miss blogging. i miss writing. i miss everything in here.

currently, i have the urge to write but not knowing what to write. i miss expressing my feelings in this dark world of roses.

about five hours ago, i commented on someone's photo. i was joking about it but apparently someone(not the photo owner) barged in and said shit about me. too bad, i know this someone. a friend from friendster. she's beautiful but out of expectation she possessed this laser mouth - shooting everything without looking.

a bad breath beautiful girl. that's what i described her. i was shocked to know that actually.

i hate to talk about this actually but seriously, it's been so daamn long since the last time i met a beautiful girl with a bad mouth.

to me, this kind of girl is very damn ugly. it's not nice to see a girl that says crappy words like shit, fuck or any vulgar words.
to be honest, they look like a bitch to me.

*sighs*

anyway, i can see that i got a lot of visitors in this blog. well, they're not really a visitor but more like a spammer.

i'm pissed off..

until then..

Rain

listening to : MINORI - UVERworld

Tears, nothing but sadness..
solitude plus heartache..
cleaning the happiness around..
killing every smile to the ground..
was it because of you?
no, but also yes.
this neglection of pure love..
everything was a sacrifice..
tis' violent wind in heart..
putting the mind in chaotic state..
come rain.. come rain..
wash away all my pain..

made by chaotic.kimi

no copying please. thank you.

Dreams

listening to : the splashing rain

i've been experiencing 3 beautiful dreams in a row. once in the last 3 days. it was a lil bit odd for me but it made me happy although it was a weird one.

first dream was a wild one. i dont want to talk about it :s

second, i dreamt about watching satsuki's concert. hee, a very happy one.

third, i dreamt about kayme. ^^ the best of all.

in that dream, i was in a classroom with kayme and as usual vivi was there too. kayme and i were having a wonderful conversation. we were like friends and i get to poke her and hold her hands everytime i want.

vivi can only watch and teases us which made me happy because she was teasing about me and her being together as a couple.

we did so many things in that dream. unfortunately, i cant remember a thing beside me poking her and holding her hands.

so sweet.. ^^

today, early morning. it turned out to be a nightmare. a stupid one. i was dragged into having a quarrel with my dad because of stupid things and sadly it's also happened in reality.

dont want to make this longer. family matter.

until then..

Dream

listening to : the sound of the spinning fan

it was a short dream btw. i dreamt about him(wafy). it was in katok. i dont know how the hell i got there but the dream started with me standing up at one place looking at one guy who seemed to be waiting for someone. that dude was chinese, i havent met wafy yet, so relax eh? :p haha!

the chinese guy was holding one familliar bag. red and white striped bag - kayme's bag. i was like 'damn! what the fuck that this guy have with her'. so i got mad right. then a few minutes later kayme came out of nowhere(cant remember where either classroom or toilet) and went to meet that guy.

i got jealous but as you all know im a cool guy so i kept myself down :p and then wafy disturbed me and asked me to accompany him.

now this is where the shit part happened. he was sad right and i acting like a brother tried to calm him by advising him to do this and that but instead of listening, he pissed me off by saying something rude

(sorry i cant remember any of the conversation :s)

then i grabbed his shirt, and told him something. i think it was all about how he should treat people and stuff like that or it was merely a coversation of me challenging him to a fight. i remember that we did this exactly infront of the SA room. haha!

all of a sudden, we became the center of attention. a lot of people were looking at us. now, this surprised me because there was no people in the school before except me,kayme,chinese dude and wafy. shit isnt it?

okay, last thing i did in the dream was leaving him standing there alone infront of the SA and yelled

"YOU STUPID ASSHOLE! I DONT KNOW YOU ANYMORE! DONT EVER TRY TO CALL MY NAME! DONT EVER TRY TO MEET ME AND APOLOGISE! I HATE YOU SO DAMN MUCH! YOU'RE A FUCKING LOSER!"

after i said that i left and ... i heard a crazy laugh behind me. it was him, he was standing there and then kneel laughing like a madman.

that's all..

until then..

Miss Me?

listening to : awake - secondhand serenade.

hey, im back.. i miss blogging so much. i miss expressing my feelings to this page. it's good to be back.

sorry for not being active, quite busy with exams. qualifying exams was extremely hard especially accounting. i screwed up my accounting so bad. i bet my group tutor gonna lecture me the next time i come to class. >.<

well, last wednesday was my freaking bad day and it continued till sunday. i swear to god, it turned me into emo-ish for a while. it sucks, i know. dont judge me for this, you bastard . haha

first, it was because of accounting mock exam. damn accounting! curses for the founder of that subject. it gave me hell. i sat there for 2 hours and a half like stupid doing nothing as i didnt know any of the answer. i know im going to fail my accounting -.-' shit..

second, it was because of prototype. it's a game. the game was awesome. for me, it was best game ever created. the only problem was i cant play the game in my laptop because of my directX. sucks, i know. *sigh* but then, later that thursday afternoon i went to the mall with friends. im not interested in mall, so i went to the 'komunis shop' to buy some games. i was hoping that i could find the prototype and found them. yeay! borrowed friends money and buy them. on my way to the counter, i saw another game which caught my attention. it was a game by square enix named 'the last remnant'. i was like 'shit! which one to choose?'. i've been always a fan of rpg games since the first time i play final fantasy. after thinking for one hour, i decided to buy the last remnant one because i believed it will provide me the latest directX and it will allows me to install prototype as it's only require 9.0c directX.

then we went back to school, install the directX and copied a new prototype from najib. yeah, the game works. of course it works, the last remnant provides me the latest directX which is directX 10.

thursday evening, which was around 6, i checked my fb and opened up my girlfriend's page. this was the shit thing that made me so not in the mood after having a tough time with exams and games. as soon as the page finished its loading, i saw my girlfriend's status mentioning a SPECIFIC name going to the mall watching tekken. i know, that guy is nothing special but fuck that, my mind wasnt prepared for any of this shit. so, i was jealous. seriously, that ruined my whole day and my fucking mood man. i was like relax dude, it's okay, he's just a friend of her but it didnt work out. insted my mind kept on questioning my self, who's this bastard that she's going with. my curiousity grows bigger and my anger engraged.

but ..

i didnt show her my anger. instead i told her, that i was tired when she gave me a wall. after that she didnt reply any of my wall and she put on her status as 'not in the mood'. i was always this soft when it comes to relationship.

*sighs*

the next day, i updated my status saying that 'i hate the fact that i love you'. as expected, she liked my status and i didnt say anything. i know she's going ask me about this and 3 hours after that, she did ask. my real intention of that status is for the sake of her. what i meant was i hate jealousy, i dont hate her. i do love her but as my love grows bigger so do my jealousy. i cant control this. jealousy could hurt her and i hate to hurt her feelings but i know i just did. nobody understands what i was trying to say.

saturday morning, she subjected me as a selfish person in her status. well, she didnt mention my name but i knew it was for me. again, it hurts me a lot but i kept myself quiet.

then after the exam(i have an e.lit exam on saturday afternoon), i almost cry but managed to hold it back. it was hard for me to concentrate in the exam with that kind of condition.

because of that, i made my decision. i didnt really prepare to do this to her but she gave me no choice but to gave her the treatment of silence - hoping that she will understand that i was hurt by what she did.

so i updated my status for the 'last' time, pretended to be inactive.

'the prince will blinded thee and thou shall never taste his scent for decades. for thou hadst burnt the crown for thy own lust'

im not sure if you get what i meant by my status but i want you guys to think of it by urself. allow ur brain to work. (:

so i didnt contact her since last saturday afternoon till today. the only response i got from her was her missed call on late sunday. i tried to miss call her back half an hour after she missed call me(i tried to hold my self but i felt guilty, so yeah) but her phone died. thanks to god, the treatment is still active. i know, im weak as a man.

im waiting for her to apologise until then the treatment will still going. she got less than 2 weeks to do this and if there's no response, im afraid the relationship will have to come to an end. sadly, i hate to end it this way..

oh yeah, because of this stupid treatment i gave her, my jealousy grows weaker and weaker. so you know what it means right?

*sighs*

it seems i havent found the right girl yet but it's too early to say that. i hope things didnt go as i plan. love is something i need to help me to stand up.

okay, ill stop till here. im too tired. btw GP exam was AWESOME! hehs..

until then..

welcome and fuck off

listening to : in a lucid dream - satsuki

im feeling so lazy tonight and a little moody..

hmm..



welcome to my new visitor..

it's great to know that someone actually found my blog but i dont really appreciate it so much because some people would criticized what i wrote here. especially when they came here without introducing themselves and start saying shit about me and all my writings.

what's more fuck up is when they're criticizing my feelings. i mean come on, it's people rights to express their feelings. what im saying here is try to understand what people feels and not giving some freaking advice like you're telling that you fucking know everything about me.

i know what im doing. im just saying what my heart feels, im releasing the steam off, get it? i hate it when people saying " how in the hell do you know that she's looking at you? ". it's because i saw it dumbass.

i dont care whether i got her or not, i dont care whether she love me or not, i dont care what she's doing or how she feels about me.

i've been mentioning this all the time and im sick of explaining this again and again to some stupid ignorant bastard who keeps stalking people's life. i know that im not going to get her or have her to be my girlfriend. both of us are totally in a different world, we will never be together. why? both of us have different races and different background. second, she has a boyfriend and they've been together for more than 5 years. i dont want to be called ' a girlfriend stealer '. it's not like im saying that i cant or i can flirt with her anytime that i want. you need to know that i have my own girlfriend and i love her. what? i should dump my girlfriend and go for something that you dont know whether you're gonna get or not? that's stupid.

i know you'll have this in your mind. kimi is a hypocritical person who only thinks about himself. fuck your own shit man! let me tell you something, love is not all about having them nor being with them. it's beautiful to see someone is willing to suffer just to see their beloved one happy.

im not saying that im suffering. im okay with the things going on right now. you people need to know that my love to her and my girlfriend is totally different. my love to her is like me loving the nature. how i enjoy being in the green field and looking at the wonderful blue sky, that's how i love her. i dont need to be with her. to see her is already enough for me okay?
as long as she's happy, im fine.

my love towards my girlfriend is more like the typical love that you or someone else have. "i need her. i want her. i miss her. i love her like she's only woman in this world." that's how much i love my girlfriend.

i dont care whether you understand me or not. that's your fucking business and i dont need people to understand me. no one in this world understand me fully. im a complicated guy. my thoughts are something you bastard cannot read and predict. so stop saying something like you know me. i hate that motherfucker.

i bet you ignorant fools didnt read the description about me on the right side of my blog. that's why you bullshit is still giving me comments and advice about what i wrote here.

so if you hate what i wrote in this blog, you can go to hell and visit some crappy blog that you think you can mess with.

just so you know, this blog is what i called my public 'diary'. i can write whatever i want and say whatever i want in here. im pretending that you guys cant even read what i write here because it's "locked". so if you people gave me some comments that i dont want to see, ill just simply write my response for you.

and my final words for you "mind your own stupid business bullshit, get your own blog and write some of your own shit there. get a fucking life and stop being a busybody"

until then..

The Rose Blooms, The Bug Dies

listening to : Ushinawareta Fuukei No Yume by Rentrer en Soi

" happy 20th birthday, kayme! "

how i wish i could say that to her this morning. it was so hard for me to imagine my self doing that. i didnt even buy her a present for her 20th birthday. besides, it would be very awkward if i bought her a present out of a sudden. we didnt even say hi to each other for almost 6 months. just imagine how awkward it would be if i gave her a present?

nothing is easy in life, i know that. i wonder if she's expecting me to greet her. well, she didnt look much at me today. early in the morning when she passed by me, she quickly turned her face to the floor. before that she was smiling happily but it seemed that i broke all of that when she saw me. *sigh*

in the end gp class, she stole a few glances at my direction. i dont know why. then during lunch, i was supposed to have a meeting in the library with my team mates for tomorrow's match. in the library, i saw her studying and talking with her friends including vivi. i stopped for a while to look at her and then i went to meet my team mates.

but the meeting was cancelled. so i went out to the dining hall to meet wafy and have a smoke together. before we went out from the school for a smoke, i saw her and this time she didnt noticed me as she was busy talking with vivi.

after finished smoking, i went straight to my literature class. funny, i met her again at the notice board area with a group of friends but this time i realised her eyes was carefully watching me. she gave me this look as if she was disappointed because she was expecting a greet from me. im really sorry sweetheart. o~o

im just saying here. who knows right? i hope she didnt expect me to greet her because i dont want to disappoint her. actually, i met her a lot more than i stated above but it would be boring if i keep on saying the same thing in a row. it's very unlikely for me to meet her many times in a day unless im searching for her, that would be a different case. i hope she'll always be happy with her beloved ones.

happy birthday sweetheart..

i love you..

until then..

Lovely Eyes

listening to : minori - UVERworld

"let me see those eyes again sweetheart"

that was my facebook status last saturday morning. it was for kayme. i really miss that beautiful eyes staring at this poor soul.

that lovely rose really got my heart and still grabbing me tight. too bad our relationship is just a matter of saying 'hi' and 'bye' but that never concerns me, for my love towards her is true.

to me, watching her from distance is far more enough than having her. i know i dont deserve a girl like her. she's way too beautiful for me. you can say that our love life is like beauty and the beast. too bad the outcome is not the same as the story. nonetheless, i dont mind if i cant have her. love needs sacrifice, i know some people would say "take your chance man" but to me, love is not all being together and be happy. love is something we should enjoy seeing the person we love being able to smile and happy. if they're happy with the person that's currently with them, let them. there's no need for us to interfere.

alas, that saturday afternoon we had small party in our gp class. thanks to miss zari, she bought us 4 boxes of pizza for the entire class to eat. kayme and i ate two slices. i enjoyed watching her eating the pizza slowly. as always, that beautiful soul managed to steal my heart.

to make the story short, after the party ended i grabbed my bag to go home. as i always did before leaving the class, i will look upon her when i have chance and say bye to her silently. before leaving the class, i noticed her eyes were carefully watching me leaving her in the class with vivi.

i know it's not something big or something to proud about but it does make me happy. why? it has been a while since the last time she gave me the attention i need. she always avoided a direct eye contact with me which really frustrates me but i cannot force her to do that. it's her rights.

another moment that i want to write here is the moment where i got punished by miss zari for not being able to participate in a mythological quiz. i had to do some dance with a korean song and this really pissed me off. you know how much i hate korean songs right? the choice of song was made by winnie and it was "nobody but you" song. believe it or not i danced with the other group members and humilliate my self with an ugly dance. i know it sucks but it's worthed. if it's not because of kayme and the whole class sang that song together, i would be regretting my whole life doing that humilliating dance. i still remember the face she made that time while her right hand doing the "nobody but you" thing. it was lovely. ^^,

okay back to story, after leaving the class, i hopped in my dad's car. while on the way home i kept looking at the sky. i remember that afternoon was very cloudy, such a beautiful day but the beauty was not long as the black clouds starting to conquer the whole sky.

somehow, it reminded me the day where both of us were facing each other in school. the rainy day in katok. she was standing near me and kept looking at me as if she was saying "come to me, embrace me with thy words and seal this broken heart. im waiting". too bad, both of us only able to stare at each other till our dad came and picked us up.

*sighs*

i will regret that for my whole life. i didnt take my chance. i know, i suck. oh well, i guess our love is just a matter of looking each other and being together by distance.

the storms striked and broke my concentration. i realised that rain was pouring softly to the ground. after i reached home and put all my stuffs in my room. i took my chances opening the internet using my phone and update my facebook status to end my day.

"im glad that those eyes are still mine. i love you sweetheart"

until then..

REGULUS

listening to : -LEON-'s REGULUS

i believe the intention from this mini-album is to show yuji's capability of being a singer. a lot of scream, growl and high pitch vocal was shown in their 3 songs.

as what i found in the interview, yuji's music influence is dir en grey. so i guess, probably he's trying to be the next kyo.. it's interesting as yuji seems capable to reach kyo's level. i hope he'll keep improving xD

so, 3 vocalist now : Satsuki, Kyo and Yuji..

and i love the three of them..

until then.. xD

Interview with -LEON-

Okay, I got new band to follow..



1. Please introduce yourselves and what part you play in the band.
YUJI: I’m YUJI, the vocals.
SHIN: I’m SHIN, the guitar.
KOYA: I’m KOYA, the guitar.
YAMATO: I’m YAMATO, the bass.
MASASHI: I’m MASASHI, the drums.



2. How did each of you get interested in performing music?
YUJI: I became interested in music because my older brother was playing the guitar.
SHIN: I became interested in music as I was mimicking my older sister’s piano when I was small.
KOYA: My dad was a crazy fan of Eikichi Yazawa… (laughs)
YAMATO: I don’t know… because I don’t have memory of my childhood!
MASASHI: I saw X JAPAN on TV a long time ago, and I thought this is it for me.




3. How did you decide on the name -LEON-? What’s the concept behind the band?
SHIN: We were trying to come up with a band name while we were having lunch at McDonald’s. The topic went off to the movie “Leon” and we were like “If we like Leon so much, the band name can be Leon!” Well, it was a spur of the moment. (laughs)
YUJI: We were talking about the anime by Osamu Tezuka, “Kimba the White Lion,” being re-aired on TV… wait, we went off the topic again, right? (laughs)
YAMATO: We’re still trying to discover the concept behind the band.



4. Please tell us how the band was formed? How did you meet?
YAMATO: I was in the same band with the guitarist, SHIN, since high school.
YUJI: Later on, I met the two through my friend and we started playing together.
KOYA & MASASHI: We were invited right before our former band broke up… What do you call that in English? “Headhunting?” (laughs)



5. Why did you decide to become a visual kei band?
ALL: Visual kei people are all handsome and pretty, right? So we thought we’d be popular among girls!



6. “REGULUS” was your first mini-album release. What was it like working on this project?
YUJI: We were all students and didn’t have money. So we tried to do everything ourselves when we started making this album. It was really hard because we were running out of time because of school or work. (laughs) But, we’re happy to complete this album thanks to help from many people.



7. Was there a specific theme behind “REGULUS?” Do you have a certain message that you would like to communicate through your music?
YAMATO: The main idea was to create a point of origin for us. We recorded the main tracks we’ve been performing since our first live shows. The CD is filled with what we want to express and what we want to deliver. When you listen to this CD, you will know -LEON-’s sound and message. This CD is like our business card.



8. What new songs are you working on now? When will they be released?
SHIN: It’s still not at a point where we can tell you the details, but it will be a track with a completely different feel than our previous release. We will update you as soon as we can.



9. Who are your musical influences? (Japanese and worldwide)
YUJI: Dir en grey for me.
SHIN: For me, Mötley Crüe and Pantera, for sure. For Japanese, Kuroyume and ZIGGY.
KOYA: It’s GLAY.
YAMATO: L’Arc〜en〜Ciel and Stanley Clarke.
MASASHI: X JAPAN and IRON MAIDEN.



10. How did you decide the style of your PV for “Kokou ni Tou Tsuioku no Kagen no Tsuki”?
KOYA: Again, we didn’t have much money, so we checked our wallets. (laughs)
MASASHI: It was all about how we can make it with low cost. (laughs)
KOYA: How poor are we…



11. How do you prepare before a live show? What’s the first thing you do after the show is over?
ALL: “BEER!” (laughs)
YAMATO: I meditate in the restroom right before the performance. (laughs)
SHIN: I find all the picks from the stage floor. It’s like “a ritual” for me. (laughs)



12. Can you please tell us something cool or funny that another member has done during a live performance?
YUJI: SHIN, didn’t you break a bone turning the guitar around during a live before?
SHIN: … It was super painful. I couldn’t even think about the live when the bone was broken at the first song. (laughs)
YAMATO: Cool. (laughs)
SHIN: YAMATO injured a guest after kicking the monitor down during a live, too. (laughs)
YAMATO: …I remember that now! (laughs)



13. Outside of music, what special talents or hobbies do you each have?
YUJI: Basketball for me. I was the top player since the first grade during high school.
SHIN: Cooking. I’m better at handling knives and frying pans than guitars. (laughs)
KOYA: Riding a motorcycle!
YAMATO: Playing darts. I can’t win a girl’s heart, though. (laughs)
MASASHI: Games…and manga.



14. Have any of the members traveled overseas? If so, where? Where would each of you like to travel next?
YAMATO: Is it only me who has been overseas? I’ve been to Australia and Thailand. In both Australia and Thailand, all I did was eating. I don’t really have memory of anything else. I just love to eat. (laughs) I was so surprised because a coke was gigantic at McDonald’s in Australia. (laughs)
MASASHI: I want to go to the moon.
ALL: That’s not even within the Earth! (Big laughter)
SHIN: I’d like to take a long time and travel around the world to study cooking. This is my long-term dream.
KOYA: I just want to ride a chopper on Route 66!
YUJI: Where is Route 66?
KOYA: …don’t know. (laughs) And, what about you, YUJI?
YUJI: Okinawa!!
ALL: That’s in Japan! (Big laughter)



15. Please give a message to our readers.
MASASHI: We might go to your country someday. Please tell me about good games when I go. (laughs)
YAMATO: This interview was a lot of fun. We will be having live shows in many places, and I hope we can all enjoy music together. Through music, I’d like to meet many people regardless of countries and races.
KOYA: I will show you the real power of Japanese music!
SHIN: Thanks to the internet, people from different countries can listen to our music, get to know us, and watch our live videos. But, there are many things that cannot be delivered through videos on monitors or through speakers. Soon, I want to perform in the countries of the people who are reading this, so please keep an eye on us!
YUJI: Someday I will show our live performances for the readers outside Japan. Wait for it!

P/S : Thanks to ST.net for introducing this cool band.. Most of the CREDITS should be given to ST.net (:

Boredom

listening to : nothing

hello?

im really bored right now. i got nothing to do rather than playing my mobile phone. by the way, im in my mom's office right now. my mom is having an overtime work. i asked her to picked me up at school since my dad is lazy to come and pick me up at school. so yeah, i ended up fooling around in my mom's office.

*sigh*

hmm, im bored hereeeeeeeeeee >.
know what? this morning, i was planning on continuing my chaos legion as soon as i finish rehearsal this afternoon. but i guess, i have to wait then..

*sigh*

borrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed!!!! thanks dad.. pfffffft~

until then..

A Morning of Nature

listening to : reminiscence~feelings not erased by yasunori mitsuda

the morning is quite lovely today. even the weather is quite pleasing although my face is directly infront of the sun.

im just relaxing now at the place where i dont think people will come around every morning. haha i guess im wrong, i met a few people who i recognize so much.

anyway, i dont really mind. they dont bother me at all. i know some people love to watch the sky and do their own work.. it's relaxing..

ahh, i love to see the blue sky combining their beauty with the green grass. i love the heat. i love to listen to the sound of the chirping birds. i really love nature..

kayme & hana .. <3

until then..

Forgive Me..

listening to : shinwa - rentrer en soi

i know a lot of my previous post is full of hatred and anger. i cant help it. ever since the day when i saw my own bestfriend got hit by one particular person, i cant even control my anger.

it hurts me a lot y'know? it seems that the old me have come back to life.

the time when he got hit in front of my eyes, i was about to erupt but that guy got lucky that i managed to hold it because of my other friend.

yeah, the anger that i managed to hold that time was a violent flame that is craving to burn one whole forest and demolish everything to dust.

it's good that i get to hold my self that time but unfortunately it has pull the trigger that should not be pull. now, im very sensitive to hear something that is related with hatred. it'll make me go outrage.

even now, im easily get angry for some stupid matter and this cause me troubles. every time after i lost control of myself, i know something bad will happen. the thing that i realised since i was a kid, every time im mad, i lost my sense of human. i dont care whether that person is my dad, my brother, my sister, an adult, a friend or even a girl, i will make them taste my rage and i do not care what will happen after that.

but ..

as soon as i calm down, i will think about the thing i did and for sure ill regret about what i've done. my heart cries because of this, i dont want anything bad happen to my friends, my family or my fellow acquaintance.

and ..

i hate myself because of this. im afraid that i cannot fix this. it'll takes a lot of time for me to learn to control this mad rage within this chaotic heart. the only option i have now is keeping myself silent and away from people.

heh ..


isolation ...


*sigh*

i cant believe that this will happen again. it has been a while. im sure some people will disagree about this but i have no choice. this is for my own good and for other people too..

until then..

One Lost Piece Of a Jigsaw

listening to : taiyou no todokanai basho - RES

i'm getting tired of this. last year was such a hell of misery and this year, im living with a total hatred. if last year was because of love, this year is all about friends.

i dont think i hate a friend but friends. i hate a lot of friends. some friends i know is bullshitting me at my absence. fuck you!

some friends thought that im a liar. i told them something i SEE and they proved me wrong. fuck that part and not just that, they also sarcastically wrote something about me - saying that i dont accept the truth because i fear humilliation.

what kind of friend is that?

oh yeah, i realised that some group that i used to hang out with. a group that they so-called 'BESTFRIEND FOREVER' didnt really talk much with me. sometimes, they left me behind without saying anything. i feel left out and yet i stay with them but for now, my patience is running thin and im afraid that im going to make a stupid decision ever which is abandoning them.

cool eh?

im waiting for the perfect time to move and get away from them. i know im just a stranger and im not a part of the family. guess what? this stupid family once rejected a friend that is willing to join them. fuck that!

*sigh*

i simply dont understand the meaning of friends in this new enviroment i live within this 3 years. it seriously changed a lot and a total different than the one i had in mind.

thanks to god, i still have a few good buddy. even if i dont have one, it's still okay for me as im the person who enjoy solitude the most.

until then..

Hatred

listening to : bunretsu LE+DD jinkaku - rentrer en soi

i realised that i have hate a friend. that person used to be my bestfriend. someone who i hang out with, someone that i share my problem and someone that i trust.

we havent meet each other for nearly 2 years that time. after we met again, i noticed there was a few changes in his character but it didnt hurt me that much. i dont give a damn care about it though. since it didnt really affect our relationship.

but ..

ever since he broke up with his beloved girlfriend, he changed a lot. to be honest, i was jealous of his happiness because at that time i got broke up with my beloved one and remain single till this year but then it's not like that i made up a story or something that made them broke up. i was just jealous about his happiness and i wanted a happiness like him.

then i introduced him something about that pathetic EMO since he was really down and he told me he's not interested. a month after that he became that stupid emo and i taught him a few basic things that i know.

i remember that day, he once told me that he promised that he'll never have any relationship and he wanted to remain single like me. i know how hurt he was that time, so i let him do whatever he wants.

three months after that promised, a girl came. she was a friend of mine which this pathetic emo guy introduced me. the real plan was that girl was set up by him to be together with me since i was craving for happiness but he didnt know that girl secretly admired him.

not long after that, this guy got his license and his became a little different. there's something that hurts me while he accidentally did it. also, when i claimed that im the one who introduced him that pathetic life, he denied it and told me that it was himself. i know it's not a big deal but it shows how easily he forgot what his friend had done for him.

then a year after we met that girl, they became lover. the only problem was they were happy for only one month. this is because of his promise and he didnt really have any feelings for her. i told him that feelings will grow slowly, be patient. a week after i said that he started to love her but only for a short time because that girl lied to him about something.

to make it short, their real relationship only last for three months. till now these couple is still together only by name not by feelings. this is because that stupid girl didnt want to let him go and strangled him with threat. ever since then, he became the stranger!

yeah, we're still friend but not bestfriend. this year is the year that im starting to hate him. back to the story, i dont know how long they've been together but then there was a time, somewhere around january this year, im starting to flirt with girls after a year being single. i told him to do the same but he refused earlier saying that he didnt have any confident about himself. then i told him to not care about himself as long as he can talk with girls and make them laugh, appearance is nothing.

so yeah, after 3 months flirting with girls, i stopped and took the chance to proposed one girl. she's my current girlfriend ^_^. he was jealous of my happiness and started to do what i told him back then. he started to flirt and i persuaded him to do this and that. it was a success.

he forgot his miseries and he forgot ... ME! he changed and he change! remember the post about him leaving me behind just to be with girls? mahn! it sucks y'know. fuck that! now, he became real close with the person i once admire and i hate that in some way. he seeks for girls attention and more. he even being rude to me in someway. all of this pisses me off. bullcrap! just now i read his status saying "STOP STALKING ME YOU BITCH, I HAVE MY OWN LIFE" it's like he's telling everyone that he's fucking cute. and to me he's seeking for people's attention. damn it! i hate this kind of person..

*sigh* i dont know why. did he do something wrong? i mean when i look real close he did nothing wrong. he was just doing his thing. i guess this is because of the strong hatred and jealousy within this chaotic heart. should i blame him? or myself?

*sigh*

until then..

Envy

listening to : You - Satsuki

Morning there -.-'

im feeling very tired here. i cant sleep. my insomnia is acting out. it's 4.40 something and i cannot put these eyes of mine to sleep and rest like everybody else.

i dont understand how people can sleep very quickly. some people could sleep within 10 minutes or less. i really envy them people who can sleep like that. im not normal when it comes to this subject okay?

usually it took me an hour or half an hour to put myself to sleep. it also can cost me 2 hour just to lie myself on bed hugging my favourite pillow and sleep.

*sigh*

sometimes i wish that i could sleep like them people. it's cool in some way. well hey, it's not because of world cup or something but i really cant sleep. my eyes is wide awake and yet my soul is begging for a rest. mahn, im jealous of you guys that can sleep whenever you want.

me? i cant do that. -.- i think i need some aid to put myself to sleep. sleeping pills would do.

god..

why am i like this? im suffering too much already. i hope you'll remove this insomnia sickness within me. please, im begging you. i cant do this. i need to rest at least 8 hours so that i can be active in the morning.

*sigh* i need to go. i need to take my shower now to be real 'ready' for school..

until then fellas..