Theater Boy (:

it was in a theater

i saw this boy ..

from the first glance,

i knew he was in pain ..

lucky for him, he was an actor..

a good one that could stun everyone with his tremendous acting skills

and made everyone leave with huge appalling applause..

living in the world of theatre,

he greeted everyone

with smile ..

a joyous one that could cheer all the audience around the stage..

a comfortable smile yet disturbing..

chaotic inside but visually merry..

i wondered what made him in pain?

he was my favourite actor of all time..

he lived in a luxurious life and he made everyone happy..

but why? why was he in pain?

frustation condemned me,

and i couldnt find an answer,

i wanted to know his secret,

this secret of him was killing me

but ..

in the end, i left ..

frustrated ..

sad with curiousity engraving me ..

earlier before,

i saw a mirror ..

and a reflection of an empty theater ..

with no audience and no actor ..

i could see no body but empty seats..

lastly, i realised something..

it was the curtain ..

a closed curtain ..

Falling..

Listening to : You - Satsuki

I am facing a problem. It's a problem without solution. Perhaps, there is .. but it's just not the right time yet. Due to this kind of problem, I've been suffering for nearly 3 years now. I just hope, it'll end some time around this year. I had enough being in this kind of state. Not just me but my friends are also facing this pain indirectly. This is due to my reaction to them, how I treat them, how I talk to them.

I know I'm very unfriendly when it comes to people. I do not care about people's feeling. I just say what I want and do what I want. But mark me, I know what I'm doing. Maybe sometimes, you saw me being rude but there's always a reason behind it.

I am quite troublesome.. heh..

But yeah, those who despises me can despise me all they want. They can leave me anytime they want. There's no need for you to give that pathetic look and give me all kinds of treatments. For me, these kind of people are like flies. They only came when they in the need of something, something dirty. I have no fear of losing someone like this.

My only reaction to this is ignoring and keep ignoring. I shall not lay one word until they say anything.

Until then..

Lacking Confidence

Okay..

I have been feeling like this since last week. I'm sorta worried about my exams. It's because of the results of my assessment. Since last year, I never got any chance to score at least a "C" for all my subjects. I think this has affected my morals. It made me lose all my confidence in all my abilities in studying >.<

Seriously, I feel bad about that.

Although, (I think) my English is improving but I didnt think it's enough for me to face every exams. Even for English O'level, I dont think that I'm ready for it. I keep on wishing that the exams is going to be postponed till next month, although that's not going to happen.

*sigh*

I need to gain my confidence back. It's really important for me in order to survive from this paper war. I need to do something and I need to do it fast!!

Until Then..

left behind..

music : reminiscence ~ feelings not erased - yasunori mitsuda

*sighs*

how does it feels when you're left behind by your friends? it feels hurt right? how about the one that left you behind is your own bestfriend? i bet it's more painful.

i was left behind by some stranger today and guess what? he left me behind because some stupid lame fucking reason which i dont give a damn! girls... do you believe that? he DITCHED me BECAUSE of GIRLS. such one stupid reason..

here's the story.

while i was busy doing something yesterday, i got a call by non other than some random guy whom i forgot his name. he's such a nice guy, so he invited me to watch a movie today with his GIRLFRIENDS (ooooo~ ladies man kaliah! mcm baie! sasak ku kn kau ah! eat shit mothafaka!).. okay, back to the story. so he invited me to watch a movie but he wont be able to pick me up like usual because his car will be full with his GIRLFRIENDS. so he asked me if my mom could sent me there or not. he told to confirm it as soon as possible, so that he'll buy a ticket for me.. awhhh~ he's so nice..

NOT!!

okay, after i told my mom about it. she agreed to send me there. i was so happy that it made me call him straight away. so then i called him and .. the first call was unanswered. i called him again and this time he picked it up. i told him that my mom will be able to send me there and sadly the bad news was he did not buy me a ticket because he's worried that i wont be able to come.

NOT!

he's not worried at all, that's what he wants! i tried to accept his reason with positive thoughts although i felt a little sad that time. haha and then suddenly, he gave me this hope. he told me that there's one girl who's not confirm whether she could come or not. this is due to transportation which basically the same as my case. if she could or couldnt come, he'll told me about it as soon as possible.

but then his name didnt even appear in the screen of my phone after that call. it left me with despair. it's not because of im not able to watch that stupid movie but it's because how he treated me as his own fucking BESTFRIEND!

1st he gave me a call just to show off that he's going out with 12 girls
2nd he cant be my transport because of GIRLS!
3rd he rather chose girls instead of bestfriend..
4th he rather buy one girl a ticket who's isnt confirm instead of his bestfriend
5th he didnt even told me about the confirmation

I HATE IT WHEN A PERSON CHOSE A GIRL INSTEAD OF HIS BESTFRIEND WITH A REASON TO PLEASE. ALL I WANT TO SAY IS ....

"SADAR - SADAR TAH WANG, ALUM TANTU JUA BINI-BINI ATU SUKA KAN KAU, JGN JADI BUDUH, PALUI! PUSSYMA!"

the good news was one of the girls wasnt able to come because of sudden emergency. so then the ticket was a waste! haha! (Padan mua mu baie! the girl yg alum confirm atu i think dtg kali, and the one yg nda jadi tdi ani, kwn ku sorang. she's pretty yaw, bgus lah ea inda dtg haha! puas ati ku eh)

p/s : this post is between what happened yesterday, saturday and today, friday. sorry if there's some grammar mistakes, i was too mad at this stupid stranger!

until then

fourteen :/

current music : watch me bleed - scary kids scaring kids

it feels so cold tonight. thank god it doesnt rain tonight. so im able to enjoy the little things a bit. i could only see the sparkling stars tonight but not the moon ): tough luck i guess..

*sigh*

it's fourteen today, valentine's day and chinese new year. also a memorial day for sauzan or notykitz. i remember how special was this day used to be. *laughs* i must be foolish that time to think that relationship is going to be forever. well, that time i was too naive in all this things, i admit it but somehow it amazes me that this heart of mine can never stop thinking about the days where she and i used to have.. all the sad times, happy times and all the problematic situation.

come to think of it, it's been a year now since i broke my connection with her. i really miss her so much although i know i have to step out from this chaotic past. it's just i cant help myself when my mind rolled back thinking all the memories i had with her. to be honest, the only person i want in this world is her. that "noty" insolent girl.

but it's all over now.. the beautiful moment only last for a year and four months..

*sigh*

until then..

notykitz memorial

hey. it's the fourteen of september today. i remember that last year september was a happy moment of my life although i was pressurised because of o level exam.

i still kept the notes of our convo during our first year anniversary. it really was a sweet memory, not only the notes but her recorded voices too. im listening to them right now. most of the recording was her laughter, her naughtiness, our planning for the future and a lil bit of her school problems.

my memories are now recall to the day where we nearly broke up because of the unforgivable thing that she'd done. it was so painful but sweet. the sweet thing was how she tried to convinced me about her love, how she told me that no one can replace me in her heart and how she told me that she want me. i miss all of that..

notykitz forever, farulsauzan, 3012512, 2312[14] and many more. all of those are used to be on my display name or nick. but it's all gone now. everything has fade. no more happiness between this two souls. hatred were born after that tragic day.

today is supposed to be our two years relationship but it seems that two years is nothing but a mere dream. so long baby, i guess this pain will never stop from bleeding. i wish you for a better life.

when two souls found one heart..
they hold it together with both of their hands..
when one of the souls found another heart..
it gets distracted and its grip weakened..
processing the falling of the heart as the result..
so there was the scattering sound of the broken heart..

until then..

i hate myself and want to die.

here i am lying on my bed, unenergetic, weak and sad. i really hate myself for being such a weak guy. just now i challenged myself to hear the memorial song of farulsauzan, ku ingin kamu. seriously, i thought i will be okay now since i've already forgot about her, i mean most of the things about her - not entirely cus i dont have any intention to forget it but still as the song started those forgotten memories were played back again into my mind. i was wondering,why do i have such life.

why? i asked myself why. why does i have to face this? why sombre keep on embracing me? why do the world have to be cruel on me? 6 months! 6 months! for 6 months i lived in this melancholic life. where there is no light and no hope. everything was seized by darkness and sorrow.

for the past 6 months, i tried to cheer up myself, i smiled, i laughed, i joke, i did everything in order to make myself happy and yet sadness never leaves me. i remember the time when i tried to kill myself by eating 8 tablets at once and saved by the miracle. god gave me the chance to live again but also to be in pain at the same time.

i positively believe that everyone could see my smile, my laugh, my happiness but they didnt know what lies in my heart. a fake smile, a fake happiness, everything was just only a fake. i am a stupid person who hope for a better life but didnt want to do anything about it. i am a person who dream something human couldnt achive. i am a loser who only knows how to run from a battle. i really want to end this life again. possibly by this year. i just hope god allows me to do it.

i have already prepare for my afterlife. i imagined myself screaming with too much pain. being burnt by the pits of hell. chocking myself to death again and again. being laughed by the devil and more. i am not worthed to be a human being. im suppose to be an animal,or even lower than that.

i know people will hate me because of this but i dont give a damn about it. for me, death is the only solution for everything.

until then..