Theater Boy (:

it was in a theater

i saw this boy ..

from the first glance,

i knew he was in pain ..

lucky for him, he was an actor..

a good one that could stun everyone with his tremendous acting skills

and made everyone leave with huge appalling applause..

living in the world of theatre,

he greeted everyone

with smile ..

a joyous one that could cheer all the audience around the stage..

a comfortable smile yet disturbing..

chaotic inside but visually merry..

i wondered what made him in pain?

he was my favourite actor of all time..

he lived in a luxurious life and he made everyone happy..

but why? why was he in pain?

frustation condemned me,

and i couldnt find an answer,

i wanted to know his secret,

this secret of him was killing me

but ..

in the end, i left ..

frustrated ..

sad with curiousity engraving me ..

earlier before,

i saw a mirror ..

and a reflection of an empty theater ..

with no audience and no actor ..

i could see no body but empty seats..

lastly, i realised something..

it was the curtain ..

a closed curtain ..

Rain

listening to : MINORI - UVERworld

Tears, nothing but sadness..
solitude plus heartache..
cleaning the happiness around..
killing every smile to the ground..
was it because of you?
no, but also yes.
this neglection of pure love..
everything was a sacrifice..
tis' violent wind in heart..
putting the mind in chaotic state..
come rain.. come rain..
wash away all my pain..

made by chaotic.kimi

no copying please. thank you.

Forgive Me..

listening to : shinwa - rentrer en soi

i know a lot of my previous post is full of hatred and anger. i cant help it. ever since the day when i saw my own bestfriend got hit by one particular person, i cant even control my anger.

it hurts me a lot y'know? it seems that the old me have come back to life.

the time when he got hit in front of my eyes, i was about to erupt but that guy got lucky that i managed to hold it because of my other friend.

yeah, the anger that i managed to hold that time was a violent flame that is craving to burn one whole forest and demolish everything to dust.

it's good that i get to hold my self that time but unfortunately it has pull the trigger that should not be pull. now, im very sensitive to hear something that is related with hatred. it'll make me go outrage.

even now, im easily get angry for some stupid matter and this cause me troubles. every time after i lost control of myself, i know something bad will happen. the thing that i realised since i was a kid, every time im mad, i lost my sense of human. i dont care whether that person is my dad, my brother, my sister, an adult, a friend or even a girl, i will make them taste my rage and i do not care what will happen after that.

but ..

as soon as i calm down, i will think about the thing i did and for sure ill regret about what i've done. my heart cries because of this, i dont want anything bad happen to my friends, my family or my fellow acquaintance.

and ..

i hate myself because of this. im afraid that i cannot fix this. it'll takes a lot of time for me to learn to control this mad rage within this chaotic heart. the only option i have now is keeping myself silent and away from people.

heh ..


isolation ...


*sigh*

i cant believe that this will happen again. it has been a while. im sure some people will disagree about this but i have no choice. this is for my own good and for other people too..

until then..

Falling..

Listening to : You - Satsuki

I am facing a problem. It's a problem without solution. Perhaps, there is .. but it's just not the right time yet. Due to this kind of problem, I've been suffering for nearly 3 years now. I just hope, it'll end some time around this year. I had enough being in this kind of state. Not just me but my friends are also facing this pain indirectly. This is due to my reaction to them, how I treat them, how I talk to them.

I know I'm very unfriendly when it comes to people. I do not care about people's feeling. I just say what I want and do what I want. But mark me, I know what I'm doing. Maybe sometimes, you saw me being rude but there's always a reason behind it.

I am quite troublesome.. heh..

But yeah, those who despises me can despise me all they want. They can leave me anytime they want. There's no need for you to give that pathetic look and give me all kinds of treatments. For me, these kind of people are like flies. They only came when they in the need of something, something dirty. I have no fear of losing someone like this.

My only reaction to this is ignoring and keep ignoring. I shall not lay one word until they say anything.

Until then..

left behind..

music : reminiscence ~ feelings not erased - yasunori mitsuda

*sighs*

how does it feels when you're left behind by your friends? it feels hurt right? how about the one that left you behind is your own bestfriend? i bet it's more painful.

i was left behind by some stranger today and guess what? he left me behind because some stupid lame fucking reason which i dont give a damn! girls... do you believe that? he DITCHED me BECAUSE of GIRLS. such one stupid reason..

here's the story.

while i was busy doing something yesterday, i got a call by non other than some random guy whom i forgot his name. he's such a nice guy, so he invited me to watch a movie today with his GIRLFRIENDS (ooooo~ ladies man kaliah! mcm baie! sasak ku kn kau ah! eat shit mothafaka!).. okay, back to the story. so he invited me to watch a movie but he wont be able to pick me up like usual because his car will be full with his GIRLFRIENDS. so he asked me if my mom could sent me there or not. he told to confirm it as soon as possible, so that he'll buy a ticket for me.. awhhh~ he's so nice..

NOT!!

okay, after i told my mom about it. she agreed to send me there. i was so happy that it made me call him straight away. so then i called him and .. the first call was unanswered. i called him again and this time he picked it up. i told him that my mom will be able to send me there and sadly the bad news was he did not buy me a ticket because he's worried that i wont be able to come.

NOT!

he's not worried at all, that's what he wants! i tried to accept his reason with positive thoughts although i felt a little sad that time. haha and then suddenly, he gave me this hope. he told me that there's one girl who's not confirm whether she could come or not. this is due to transportation which basically the same as my case. if she could or couldnt come, he'll told me about it as soon as possible.

but then his name didnt even appear in the screen of my phone after that call. it left me with despair. it's not because of im not able to watch that stupid movie but it's because how he treated me as his own fucking BESTFRIEND!

1st he gave me a call just to show off that he's going out with 12 girls
2nd he cant be my transport because of GIRLS!
3rd he rather chose girls instead of bestfriend..
4th he rather buy one girl a ticket who's isnt confirm instead of his bestfriend
5th he didnt even told me about the confirmation

I HATE IT WHEN A PERSON CHOSE A GIRL INSTEAD OF HIS BESTFRIEND WITH A REASON TO PLEASE. ALL I WANT TO SAY IS ....

"SADAR - SADAR TAH WANG, ALUM TANTU JUA BINI-BINI ATU SUKA KAN KAU, JGN JADI BUDUH, PALUI! PUSSYMA!"

the good news was one of the girls wasnt able to come because of sudden emergency. so then the ticket was a waste! haha! (Padan mua mu baie! the girl yg alum confirm atu i think dtg kali, and the one yg nda jadi tdi ani, kwn ku sorang. she's pretty yaw, bgus lah ea inda dtg haha! puas ati ku eh)

p/s : this post is between what happened yesterday, saturday and today, friday. sorry if there's some grammar mistakes, i was too mad at this stupid stranger!

until then

fourteen :/

current music : watch me bleed - scary kids scaring kids

it feels so cold tonight. thank god it doesnt rain tonight. so im able to enjoy the little things a bit. i could only see the sparkling stars tonight but not the moon ): tough luck i guess..

*sigh*

it's fourteen today, valentine's day and chinese new year. also a memorial day for sauzan or notykitz. i remember how special was this day used to be. *laughs* i must be foolish that time to think that relationship is going to be forever. well, that time i was too naive in all this things, i admit it but somehow it amazes me that this heart of mine can never stop thinking about the days where she and i used to have.. all the sad times, happy times and all the problematic situation.

come to think of it, it's been a year now since i broke my connection with her. i really miss her so much although i know i have to step out from this chaotic past. it's just i cant help myself when my mind rolled back thinking all the memories i had with her. to be honest, the only person i want in this world is her. that "noty" insolent girl.

but it's all over now.. the beautiful moment only last for a year and four months..

*sigh*

until then..

the small sun

it seems that there is a little light for me to hold on in this entire darkness eventhough it couldnt warm this entire coldness but it helps a bit. for the entire week being in that pathetic state, it really was painful. to think that i have lost my faith and will to live in this world, i changed a lot. i even tried to kill myself again.

*sigh* honestly, this world is too cold for me to live with.. i wonder why those stupid feelings wont go..

*sigh* i lost the desire to have an angel as my saviour. life is too cruel for me. too cruel! but i wouldnt call it world if it go as i want. it's almost two years now, ever since that day, i forget how to smile sincerely. all of this time, holding to that fake happiness, i know that im just killing myself. but to think that im doing that for the sake of the people around me, the wounds heal a little. just a little.

*sigh*

maybe im supposed to do what i always did. to not let everyone see those beautiful pearl and not showing that u've have them..

i wonder how long will that little light stay? will it getting smaller or getting bigger?

*sigh*

farewell, for now..

Desperate

*sigh*

it's like i have visited this blog for everyday to check any updates but yet it's still the same as before.

most of the updates now are boring and didnt satisfied me. only short and lame update. life is keep on getting boring day by day. i dont know why im saying this but maybe it's because the emptiness of my heart.

seriously guys, im not really sure if it's okay for me to share this but i really need partner. i really miss the warm love from the girl i like. i maybe sound desperate but that's the truth.

i know this sound girly but everytime i look at everyone or my friends with their bf/gf, my heart cried out of jealousy. the time when i look at kim or any other girls that i adore, i really wish for them to talk with me while our eyes softly looking at each other - having them lying on my shoulder while i whispering to their ear, telling them "i love you"

*sigh* im really sick of this loneliness but it cant be helped, this is the path i choose. im trying hard in keeping my promise at the stupid girl who never appreciate my love.

sometime i wish that i never make that stupid promise.

*sigh*

until then ..