The Rose Blooms, The Bug Dies

listening to : Ushinawareta Fuukei No Yume by Rentrer en Soi

" happy 20th birthday, kayme! "

how i wish i could say that to her this morning. it was so hard for me to imagine my self doing that. i didnt even buy her a present for her 20th birthday. besides, it would be very awkward if i bought her a present out of a sudden. we didnt even say hi to each other for almost 6 months. just imagine how awkward it would be if i gave her a present?

nothing is easy in life, i know that. i wonder if she's expecting me to greet her. well, she didnt look much at me today. early in the morning when she passed by me, she quickly turned her face to the floor. before that she was smiling happily but it seemed that i broke all of that when she saw me. *sigh*

in the end gp class, she stole a few glances at my direction. i dont know why. then during lunch, i was supposed to have a meeting in the library with my team mates for tomorrow's match. in the library, i saw her studying and talking with her friends including vivi. i stopped for a while to look at her and then i went to meet my team mates.

but the meeting was cancelled. so i went out to the dining hall to meet wafy and have a smoke together. before we went out from the school for a smoke, i saw her and this time she didnt noticed me as she was busy talking with vivi.

after finished smoking, i went straight to my literature class. funny, i met her again at the notice board area with a group of friends but this time i realised her eyes was carefully watching me. she gave me this look as if she was disappointed because she was expecting a greet from me. im really sorry sweetheart. o~o

im just saying here. who knows right? i hope she didnt expect me to greet her because i dont want to disappoint her. actually, i met her a lot more than i stated above but it would be boring if i keep on saying the same thing in a row. it's very unlikely for me to meet her many times in a day unless im searching for her, that would be a different case. i hope she'll always be happy with her beloved ones.

happy birthday sweetheart..

i love you..

until then..

Lovely Eyes

listening to : minori - UVERworld

"let me see those eyes again sweetheart"

that was my facebook status last saturday morning. it was for kayme. i really miss that beautiful eyes staring at this poor soul.

that lovely rose really got my heart and still grabbing me tight. too bad our relationship is just a matter of saying 'hi' and 'bye' but that never concerns me, for my love towards her is true.

to me, watching her from distance is far more enough than having her. i know i dont deserve a girl like her. she's way too beautiful for me. you can say that our love life is like beauty and the beast. too bad the outcome is not the same as the story. nonetheless, i dont mind if i cant have her. love needs sacrifice, i know some people would say "take your chance man" but to me, love is not all being together and be happy. love is something we should enjoy seeing the person we love being able to smile and happy. if they're happy with the person that's currently with them, let them. there's no need for us to interfere.

alas, that saturday afternoon we had small party in our gp class. thanks to miss zari, she bought us 4 boxes of pizza for the entire class to eat. kayme and i ate two slices. i enjoyed watching her eating the pizza slowly. as always, that beautiful soul managed to steal my heart.

to make the story short, after the party ended i grabbed my bag to go home. as i always did before leaving the class, i will look upon her when i have chance and say bye to her silently. before leaving the class, i noticed her eyes were carefully watching me leaving her in the class with vivi.

i know it's not something big or something to proud about but it does make me happy. why? it has been a while since the last time she gave me the attention i need. she always avoided a direct eye contact with me which really frustrates me but i cannot force her to do that. it's her rights.

another moment that i want to write here is the moment where i got punished by miss zari for not being able to participate in a mythological quiz. i had to do some dance with a korean song and this really pissed me off. you know how much i hate korean songs right? the choice of song was made by winnie and it was "nobody but you" song. believe it or not i danced with the other group members and humilliate my self with an ugly dance. i know it sucks but it's worthed. if it's not because of kayme and the whole class sang that song together, i would be regretting my whole life doing that humilliating dance. i still remember the face she made that time while her right hand doing the "nobody but you" thing. it was lovely. ^^,

okay back to story, after leaving the class, i hopped in my dad's car. while on the way home i kept looking at the sky. i remember that afternoon was very cloudy, such a beautiful day but the beauty was not long as the black clouds starting to conquer the whole sky.

somehow, it reminded me the day where both of us were facing each other in school. the rainy day in katok. she was standing near me and kept looking at me as if she was saying "come to me, embrace me with thy words and seal this broken heart. im waiting". too bad, both of us only able to stare at each other till our dad came and picked us up.

*sighs*

i will regret that for my whole life. i didnt take my chance. i know, i suck. oh well, i guess our love is just a matter of looking each other and being together by distance.

the storms striked and broke my concentration. i realised that rain was pouring softly to the ground. after i reached home and put all my stuffs in my room. i took my chances opening the internet using my phone and update my facebook status to end my day.

"im glad that those eyes are still mine. i love you sweetheart"

until then..

the small sun

it seems that there is a little light for me to hold on in this entire darkness eventhough it couldnt warm this entire coldness but it helps a bit. for the entire week being in that pathetic state, it really was painful. to think that i have lost my faith and will to live in this world, i changed a lot. i even tried to kill myself again.

*sigh* honestly, this world is too cold for me to live with.. i wonder why those stupid feelings wont go..

*sigh* i lost the desire to have an angel as my saviour. life is too cruel for me. too cruel! but i wouldnt call it world if it go as i want. it's almost two years now, ever since that day, i forget how to smile sincerely. all of this time, holding to that fake happiness, i know that im just killing myself. but to think that im doing that for the sake of the people around me, the wounds heal a little. just a little.

*sigh*

maybe im supposed to do what i always did. to not let everyone see those beautiful pearl and not showing that u've have them..

i wonder how long will that little light stay? will it getting smaller or getting bigger?

*sigh*

farewell, for now..

i need to be alone for a while.

*sigh*

if i said im happy now, i would be lying. seriously, after the exams yesterday i could not think very bright. every of the surroundings around me gave me too much burden for my weak soul to carry.

i thought after all the exams, my life would be free from anything that could hurt me. i dont know when did i get this but i can feel that im being watched by the eyes of an assassin. someone who hates me because of something that i do to make myself happy. someone who's going to stab me from the back while i put my guards down.

i just hope those people knows what're they doing. i just didnt get it, why do i have to face all of this. i wonder if there'll be someone who will be picking up all the shattered pieces of me when im falling apart and scattered everywhere. and i know the answer is no body.

as from what i said before, life is only for one man himself. you got your ownlife and i got mine, we're not going to be together forever.
this is the real world you once adore because of its beauty. you have to open ur eyes more on the dark side alone. forget all of those happiness cus it's not going to help you nowhere. it will only let your life been taken freely.

this world is still cruel as it was from the beginning. all of this bond and relationship thing never stops from making me sick.

until then..