Theater Boy (:

it was in a theater

i saw this boy ..

from the first glance,

i knew he was in pain ..

lucky for him, he was an actor..

a good one that could stun everyone with his tremendous acting skills

and made everyone leave with huge appalling applause..

living in the world of theatre,

he greeted everyone

with smile ..

a joyous one that could cheer all the audience around the stage..

a comfortable smile yet disturbing..

chaotic inside but visually merry..

i wondered what made him in pain?

he was my favourite actor of all time..

he lived in a luxurious life and he made everyone happy..

but why? why was he in pain?

frustation condemned me,

and i couldnt find an answer,

i wanted to know his secret,

this secret of him was killing me

but ..

in the end, i left ..

frustrated ..

sad with curiousity engraving me ..

earlier before,

i saw a mirror ..

and a reflection of an empty theater ..

with no audience and no actor ..

i could see no body but empty seats..

lastly, i realised something..

it was the curtain ..

a closed curtain ..

Arggghhh -.-

listening to : Ryuushi Ni Tokete Nagareru Namida To Memai No Sou Ni Ranhansha Suru Saisei No Koe - Satsuki

i miss blogging. i miss writing. i miss everything in here.

currently, i have the urge to write but not knowing what to write. i miss expressing my feelings in this dark world of roses.

about five hours ago, i commented on someone's photo. i was joking about it but apparently someone(not the photo owner) barged in and said shit about me. too bad, i know this someone. a friend from friendster. she's beautiful but out of expectation she possessed this laser mouth - shooting everything without looking.

a bad breath beautiful girl. that's what i described her. i was shocked to know that actually.

i hate to talk about this actually but seriously, it's been so daamn long since the last time i met a beautiful girl with a bad mouth.

to me, this kind of girl is very damn ugly. it's not nice to see a girl that says crappy words like shit, fuck or any vulgar words.
to be honest, they look like a bitch to me.

*sighs*

anyway, i can see that i got a lot of visitors in this blog. well, they're not really a visitor but more like a spammer.

i'm pissed off..

until then..

Dreams

listening to : the splashing rain

i've been experiencing 3 beautiful dreams in a row. once in the last 3 days. it was a lil bit odd for me but it made me happy although it was a weird one.

first dream was a wild one. i dont want to talk about it :s

second, i dreamt about watching satsuki's concert. hee, a very happy one.

third, i dreamt about kayme. ^^ the best of all.

in that dream, i was in a classroom with kayme and as usual vivi was there too. kayme and i were having a wonderful conversation. we were like friends and i get to poke her and hold her hands everytime i want.

vivi can only watch and teases us which made me happy because she was teasing about me and her being together as a couple.

we did so many things in that dream. unfortunately, i cant remember a thing beside me poking her and holding her hands.

so sweet.. ^^

today, early morning. it turned out to be a nightmare. a stupid one. i was dragged into having a quarrel with my dad because of stupid things and sadly it's also happened in reality.

dont want to make this longer. family matter.

until then..

Dream

listening to : the sound of the spinning fan

it was a short dream btw. i dreamt about him(wafy). it was in katok. i dont know how the hell i got there but the dream started with me standing up at one place looking at one guy who seemed to be waiting for someone. that dude was chinese, i havent met wafy yet, so relax eh? :p haha!

the chinese guy was holding one familliar bag. red and white striped bag - kayme's bag. i was like 'damn! what the fuck that this guy have with her'. so i got mad right. then a few minutes later kayme came out of nowhere(cant remember where either classroom or toilet) and went to meet that guy.

i got jealous but as you all know im a cool guy so i kept myself down :p and then wafy disturbed me and asked me to accompany him.

now this is where the shit part happened. he was sad right and i acting like a brother tried to calm him by advising him to do this and that but instead of listening, he pissed me off by saying something rude

(sorry i cant remember any of the conversation :s)

then i grabbed his shirt, and told him something. i think it was all about how he should treat people and stuff like that or it was merely a coversation of me challenging him to a fight. i remember that we did this exactly infront of the SA room. haha!

all of a sudden, we became the center of attention. a lot of people were looking at us. now, this surprised me because there was no people in the school before except me,kayme,chinese dude and wafy. shit isnt it?

okay, last thing i did in the dream was leaving him standing there alone infront of the SA and yelled

"YOU STUPID ASSHOLE! I DONT KNOW YOU ANYMORE! DONT EVER TRY TO CALL MY NAME! DONT EVER TRY TO MEET ME AND APOLOGISE! I HATE YOU SO DAMN MUCH! YOU'RE A FUCKING LOSER!"

after i said that i left and ... i heard a crazy laugh behind me. it was him, he was standing there and then kneel laughing like a madman.

that's all..

until then..

Miss Me?

listening to : awake - secondhand serenade.

hey, im back.. i miss blogging so much. i miss expressing my feelings to this page. it's good to be back.

sorry for not being active, quite busy with exams. qualifying exams was extremely hard especially accounting. i screwed up my accounting so bad. i bet my group tutor gonna lecture me the next time i come to class. >.<

well, last wednesday was my freaking bad day and it continued till sunday. i swear to god, it turned me into emo-ish for a while. it sucks, i know. dont judge me for this, you bastard . haha

first, it was because of accounting mock exam. damn accounting! curses for the founder of that subject. it gave me hell. i sat there for 2 hours and a half like stupid doing nothing as i didnt know any of the answer. i know im going to fail my accounting -.-' shit..

second, it was because of prototype. it's a game. the game was awesome. for me, it was best game ever created. the only problem was i cant play the game in my laptop because of my directX. sucks, i know. *sigh* but then, later that thursday afternoon i went to the mall with friends. im not interested in mall, so i went to the 'komunis shop' to buy some games. i was hoping that i could find the prototype and found them. yeay! borrowed friends money and buy them. on my way to the counter, i saw another game which caught my attention. it was a game by square enix named 'the last remnant'. i was like 'shit! which one to choose?'. i've been always a fan of rpg games since the first time i play final fantasy. after thinking for one hour, i decided to buy the last remnant one because i believed it will provide me the latest directX and it will allows me to install prototype as it's only require 9.0c directX.

then we went back to school, install the directX and copied a new prototype from najib. yeah, the game works. of course it works, the last remnant provides me the latest directX which is directX 10.

thursday evening, which was around 6, i checked my fb and opened up my girlfriend's page. this was the shit thing that made me so not in the mood after having a tough time with exams and games. as soon as the page finished its loading, i saw my girlfriend's status mentioning a SPECIFIC name going to the mall watching tekken. i know, that guy is nothing special but fuck that, my mind wasnt prepared for any of this shit. so, i was jealous. seriously, that ruined my whole day and my fucking mood man. i was like relax dude, it's okay, he's just a friend of her but it didnt work out. insted my mind kept on questioning my self, who's this bastard that she's going with. my curiousity grows bigger and my anger engraged.

but ..

i didnt show her my anger. instead i told her, that i was tired when she gave me a wall. after that she didnt reply any of my wall and she put on her status as 'not in the mood'. i was always this soft when it comes to relationship.

*sighs*

the next day, i updated my status saying that 'i hate the fact that i love you'. as expected, she liked my status and i didnt say anything. i know she's going ask me about this and 3 hours after that, she did ask. my real intention of that status is for the sake of her. what i meant was i hate jealousy, i dont hate her. i do love her but as my love grows bigger so do my jealousy. i cant control this. jealousy could hurt her and i hate to hurt her feelings but i know i just did. nobody understands what i was trying to say.

saturday morning, she subjected me as a selfish person in her status. well, she didnt mention my name but i knew it was for me. again, it hurts me a lot but i kept myself quiet.

then after the exam(i have an e.lit exam on saturday afternoon), i almost cry but managed to hold it back. it was hard for me to concentrate in the exam with that kind of condition.

because of that, i made my decision. i didnt really prepare to do this to her but she gave me no choice but to gave her the treatment of silence - hoping that she will understand that i was hurt by what she did.

so i updated my status for the 'last' time, pretended to be inactive.

'the prince will blinded thee and thou shall never taste his scent for decades. for thou hadst burnt the crown for thy own lust'

im not sure if you get what i meant by my status but i want you guys to think of it by urself. allow ur brain to work. (:

so i didnt contact her since last saturday afternoon till today. the only response i got from her was her missed call on late sunday. i tried to miss call her back half an hour after she missed call me(i tried to hold my self but i felt guilty, so yeah) but her phone died. thanks to god, the treatment is still active. i know, im weak as a man.

im waiting for her to apologise until then the treatment will still going. she got less than 2 weeks to do this and if there's no response, im afraid the relationship will have to come to an end. sadly, i hate to end it this way..

oh yeah, because of this stupid treatment i gave her, my jealousy grows weaker and weaker. so you know what it means right?

*sighs*

it seems i havent found the right girl yet but it's too early to say that. i hope things didnt go as i plan. love is something i need to help me to stand up.

okay, ill stop till here. im too tired. btw GP exam was AWESOME! hehs..

until then..

welcome and fuck off

listening to : in a lucid dream - satsuki

im feeling so lazy tonight and a little moody..

hmm..



welcome to my new visitor..

it's great to know that someone actually found my blog but i dont really appreciate it so much because some people would criticized what i wrote here. especially when they came here without introducing themselves and start saying shit about me and all my writings.

what's more fuck up is when they're criticizing my feelings. i mean come on, it's people rights to express their feelings. what im saying here is try to understand what people feels and not giving some freaking advice like you're telling that you fucking know everything about me.

i know what im doing. im just saying what my heart feels, im releasing the steam off, get it? i hate it when people saying " how in the hell do you know that she's looking at you? ". it's because i saw it dumbass.

i dont care whether i got her or not, i dont care whether she love me or not, i dont care what she's doing or how she feels about me.

i've been mentioning this all the time and im sick of explaining this again and again to some stupid ignorant bastard who keeps stalking people's life. i know that im not going to get her or have her to be my girlfriend. both of us are totally in a different world, we will never be together. why? both of us have different races and different background. second, she has a boyfriend and they've been together for more than 5 years. i dont want to be called ' a girlfriend stealer '. it's not like im saying that i cant or i can flirt with her anytime that i want. you need to know that i have my own girlfriend and i love her. what? i should dump my girlfriend and go for something that you dont know whether you're gonna get or not? that's stupid.

i know you'll have this in your mind. kimi is a hypocritical person who only thinks about himself. fuck your own shit man! let me tell you something, love is not all about having them nor being with them. it's beautiful to see someone is willing to suffer just to see their beloved one happy.

im not saying that im suffering. im okay with the things going on right now. you people need to know that my love to her and my girlfriend is totally different. my love to her is like me loving the nature. how i enjoy being in the green field and looking at the wonderful blue sky, that's how i love her. i dont need to be with her. to see her is already enough for me okay?
as long as she's happy, im fine.

my love towards my girlfriend is more like the typical love that you or someone else have. "i need her. i want her. i miss her. i love her like she's only woman in this world." that's how much i love my girlfriend.

i dont care whether you understand me or not. that's your fucking business and i dont need people to understand me. no one in this world understand me fully. im a complicated guy. my thoughts are something you bastard cannot read and predict. so stop saying something like you know me. i hate that motherfucker.

i bet you ignorant fools didnt read the description about me on the right side of my blog. that's why you bullshit is still giving me comments and advice about what i wrote here.

so if you hate what i wrote in this blog, you can go to hell and visit some crappy blog that you think you can mess with.

just so you know, this blog is what i called my public 'diary'. i can write whatever i want and say whatever i want in here. im pretending that you guys cant even read what i write here because it's "locked". so if you people gave me some comments that i dont want to see, ill just simply write my response for you.

and my final words for you "mind your own stupid business bullshit, get your own blog and write some of your own shit there. get a fucking life and stop being a busybody"

until then..

Forgive Me..

listening to : shinwa - rentrer en soi

i know a lot of my previous post is full of hatred and anger. i cant help it. ever since the day when i saw my own bestfriend got hit by one particular person, i cant even control my anger.

it hurts me a lot y'know? it seems that the old me have come back to life.

the time when he got hit in front of my eyes, i was about to erupt but that guy got lucky that i managed to hold it because of my other friend.

yeah, the anger that i managed to hold that time was a violent flame that is craving to burn one whole forest and demolish everything to dust.

it's good that i get to hold my self that time but unfortunately it has pull the trigger that should not be pull. now, im very sensitive to hear something that is related with hatred. it'll make me go outrage.

even now, im easily get angry for some stupid matter and this cause me troubles. every time after i lost control of myself, i know something bad will happen. the thing that i realised since i was a kid, every time im mad, i lost my sense of human. i dont care whether that person is my dad, my brother, my sister, an adult, a friend or even a girl, i will make them taste my rage and i do not care what will happen after that.

but ..

as soon as i calm down, i will think about the thing i did and for sure ill regret about what i've done. my heart cries because of this, i dont want anything bad happen to my friends, my family or my fellow acquaintance.

and ..

i hate myself because of this. im afraid that i cannot fix this. it'll takes a lot of time for me to learn to control this mad rage within this chaotic heart. the only option i have now is keeping myself silent and away from people.

heh ..


isolation ...


*sigh*

i cant believe that this will happen again. it has been a while. im sure some people will disagree about this but i have no choice. this is for my own good and for other people too..

until then..

One Lost Piece Of a Jigsaw

listening to : taiyou no todokanai basho - RES

i'm getting tired of this. last year was such a hell of misery and this year, im living with a total hatred. if last year was because of love, this year is all about friends.

i dont think i hate a friend but friends. i hate a lot of friends. some friends i know is bullshitting me at my absence. fuck you!

some friends thought that im a liar. i told them something i SEE and they proved me wrong. fuck that part and not just that, they also sarcastically wrote something about me - saying that i dont accept the truth because i fear humilliation.

what kind of friend is that?

oh yeah, i realised that some group that i used to hang out with. a group that they so-called 'BESTFRIEND FOREVER' didnt really talk much with me. sometimes, they left me behind without saying anything. i feel left out and yet i stay with them but for now, my patience is running thin and im afraid that im going to make a stupid decision ever which is abandoning them.

cool eh?

im waiting for the perfect time to move and get away from them. i know im just a stranger and im not a part of the family. guess what? this stupid family once rejected a friend that is willing to join them. fuck that!

*sigh*

i simply dont understand the meaning of friends in this new enviroment i live within this 3 years. it seriously changed a lot and a total different than the one i had in mind.

thanks to god, i still have a few good buddy. even if i dont have one, it's still okay for me as im the person who enjoy solitude the most.

until then..

Hatred

listening to : bunretsu LE+DD jinkaku - rentrer en soi

i realised that i have hate a friend. that person used to be my bestfriend. someone who i hang out with, someone that i share my problem and someone that i trust.

we havent meet each other for nearly 2 years that time. after we met again, i noticed there was a few changes in his character but it didnt hurt me that much. i dont give a damn care about it though. since it didnt really affect our relationship.

but ..

ever since he broke up with his beloved girlfriend, he changed a lot. to be honest, i was jealous of his happiness because at that time i got broke up with my beloved one and remain single till this year but then it's not like that i made up a story or something that made them broke up. i was just jealous about his happiness and i wanted a happiness like him.

then i introduced him something about that pathetic EMO since he was really down and he told me he's not interested. a month after that he became that stupid emo and i taught him a few basic things that i know.

i remember that day, he once told me that he promised that he'll never have any relationship and he wanted to remain single like me. i know how hurt he was that time, so i let him do whatever he wants.

three months after that promised, a girl came. she was a friend of mine which this pathetic emo guy introduced me. the real plan was that girl was set up by him to be together with me since i was craving for happiness but he didnt know that girl secretly admired him.

not long after that, this guy got his license and his became a little different. there's something that hurts me while he accidentally did it. also, when i claimed that im the one who introduced him that pathetic life, he denied it and told me that it was himself. i know it's not a big deal but it shows how easily he forgot what his friend had done for him.

then a year after we met that girl, they became lover. the only problem was they were happy for only one month. this is because of his promise and he didnt really have any feelings for her. i told him that feelings will grow slowly, be patient. a week after i said that he started to love her but only for a short time because that girl lied to him about something.

to make it short, their real relationship only last for three months. till now these couple is still together only by name not by feelings. this is because that stupid girl didnt want to let him go and strangled him with threat. ever since then, he became the stranger!

yeah, we're still friend but not bestfriend. this year is the year that im starting to hate him. back to the story, i dont know how long they've been together but then there was a time, somewhere around january this year, im starting to flirt with girls after a year being single. i told him to do the same but he refused earlier saying that he didnt have any confident about himself. then i told him to not care about himself as long as he can talk with girls and make them laugh, appearance is nothing.

so yeah, after 3 months flirting with girls, i stopped and took the chance to proposed one girl. she's my current girlfriend ^_^. he was jealous of my happiness and started to do what i told him back then. he started to flirt and i persuaded him to do this and that. it was a success.

he forgot his miseries and he forgot ... ME! he changed and he change! remember the post about him leaving me behind just to be with girls? mahn! it sucks y'know. fuck that! now, he became real close with the person i once admire and i hate that in some way. he seeks for girls attention and more. he even being rude to me in someway. all of this pisses me off. bullcrap! just now i read his status saying "STOP STALKING ME YOU BITCH, I HAVE MY OWN LIFE" it's like he's telling everyone that he's fucking cute. and to me he's seeking for people's attention. damn it! i hate this kind of person..

*sigh* i dont know why. did he do something wrong? i mean when i look real close he did nothing wrong. he was just doing his thing. i guess this is because of the strong hatred and jealousy within this chaotic heart. should i blame him? or myself?

*sigh*

until then..

Envy

listening to : You - Satsuki

Morning there -.-'

im feeling very tired here. i cant sleep. my insomnia is acting out. it's 4.40 something and i cannot put these eyes of mine to sleep and rest like everybody else.

i dont understand how people can sleep very quickly. some people could sleep within 10 minutes or less. i really envy them people who can sleep like that. im not normal when it comes to this subject okay?

usually it took me an hour or half an hour to put myself to sleep. it also can cost me 2 hour just to lie myself on bed hugging my favourite pillow and sleep.

*sigh*

sometimes i wish that i could sleep like them people. it's cool in some way. well hey, it's not because of world cup or something but i really cant sleep. my eyes is wide awake and yet my soul is begging for a rest. mahn, im jealous of you guys that can sleep whenever you want.

me? i cant do that. -.- i think i need some aid to put myself to sleep. sleeping pills would do.

god..

why am i like this? im suffering too much already. i hope you'll remove this insomnia sickness within me. please, im begging you. i cant do this. i need to rest at least 8 hours so that i can be active in the morning.

*sigh* i need to go. i need to take my shower now to be real 'ready' for school..

until then fellas..

Looking back ..

listening to : without a trace - the GazettE

it's been a while there readers. i know i didnt update that much anymore. this is due to the free wireless connection has been cut since last week. curses! im craving for exist trace's new song damn it! also gazette too!

damn ..

oh yeah, it's been a long time since the last time i listened to "without a trace - the GazettE". now that im listening to it, it reminds me the first year i came to pte, katok. it was quite troublesome i guess. too much things happens, and it happens so fast.

i wonder what will happen this year. i know it's going to be a tough year for me. there are kayme, hana and A'level for me to think about. not to forget my friendly japanese 'freak' friends.

*sigh*

hmm, im planning on continuing my story last night but sadly im suffering a writer's block >.<" damn it! maybe next time. so aki, i guess you'll have to wait then..


will update more next time..


see ya~


until then..

Falling..

Listening to : You - Satsuki

I am facing a problem. It's a problem without solution. Perhaps, there is .. but it's just not the right time yet. Due to this kind of problem, I've been suffering for nearly 3 years now. I just hope, it'll end some time around this year. I had enough being in this kind of state. Not just me but my friends are also facing this pain indirectly. This is due to my reaction to them, how I treat them, how I talk to them.

I know I'm very unfriendly when it comes to people. I do not care about people's feeling. I just say what I want and do what I want. But mark me, I know what I'm doing. Maybe sometimes, you saw me being rude but there's always a reason behind it.

I am quite troublesome.. heh..

But yeah, those who despises me can despise me all they want. They can leave me anytime they want. There's no need for you to give that pathetic look and give me all kinds of treatments. For me, these kind of people are like flies. They only came when they in the need of something, something dirty. I have no fear of losing someone like this.

My only reaction to this is ignoring and keep ignoring. I shall not lay one word until they say anything.

Until then..

left behind..

music : reminiscence ~ feelings not erased - yasunori mitsuda

*sighs*

how does it feels when you're left behind by your friends? it feels hurt right? how about the one that left you behind is your own bestfriend? i bet it's more painful.

i was left behind by some stranger today and guess what? he left me behind because some stupid lame fucking reason which i dont give a damn! girls... do you believe that? he DITCHED me BECAUSE of GIRLS. such one stupid reason..

here's the story.

while i was busy doing something yesterday, i got a call by non other than some random guy whom i forgot his name. he's such a nice guy, so he invited me to watch a movie today with his GIRLFRIENDS (ooooo~ ladies man kaliah! mcm baie! sasak ku kn kau ah! eat shit mothafaka!).. okay, back to the story. so he invited me to watch a movie but he wont be able to pick me up like usual because his car will be full with his GIRLFRIENDS. so he asked me if my mom could sent me there or not. he told to confirm it as soon as possible, so that he'll buy a ticket for me.. awhhh~ he's so nice..

NOT!!

okay, after i told my mom about it. she agreed to send me there. i was so happy that it made me call him straight away. so then i called him and .. the first call was unanswered. i called him again and this time he picked it up. i told him that my mom will be able to send me there and sadly the bad news was he did not buy me a ticket because he's worried that i wont be able to come.

NOT!

he's not worried at all, that's what he wants! i tried to accept his reason with positive thoughts although i felt a little sad that time. haha and then suddenly, he gave me this hope. he told me that there's one girl who's not confirm whether she could come or not. this is due to transportation which basically the same as my case. if she could or couldnt come, he'll told me about it as soon as possible.

but then his name didnt even appear in the screen of my phone after that call. it left me with despair. it's not because of im not able to watch that stupid movie but it's because how he treated me as his own fucking BESTFRIEND!

1st he gave me a call just to show off that he's going out with 12 girls
2nd he cant be my transport because of GIRLS!
3rd he rather chose girls instead of bestfriend..
4th he rather buy one girl a ticket who's isnt confirm instead of his bestfriend
5th he didnt even told me about the confirmation

I HATE IT WHEN A PERSON CHOSE A GIRL INSTEAD OF HIS BESTFRIEND WITH A REASON TO PLEASE. ALL I WANT TO SAY IS ....

"SADAR - SADAR TAH WANG, ALUM TANTU JUA BINI-BINI ATU SUKA KAN KAU, JGN JADI BUDUH, PALUI! PUSSYMA!"

the good news was one of the girls wasnt able to come because of sudden emergency. so then the ticket was a waste! haha! (Padan mua mu baie! the girl yg alum confirm atu i think dtg kali, and the one yg nda jadi tdi ani, kwn ku sorang. she's pretty yaw, bgus lah ea inda dtg haha! puas ati ku eh)

p/s : this post is between what happened yesterday, saturday and today, friday. sorry if there's some grammar mistakes, i was too mad at this stupid stranger!

until then

Anger of Sadness

*sigh*

yesterday was such a bad day. i'd been nervous for the whole morning because of my geo test. not only that, there's one other thing that stressed me out yesterday. it's my GP. ms. aida told me that my test was marked as absent. which means that i get nothing over hundred. the passing mark for overall was 200 and i havent achieved the requirements yet. my heart cried for the whole day. it was hard for me to believe that ill be demoted to lower 6.. but that's the truth. i cant deny it. it's the fact that i have to faced for the whole year.

hehs, another year of being a repeater eh? *sigh* im thinking of moving somewhere else where not even one soul know or recognise my name.. but it's just too impossible..

one thing i realised after the geo test yesterday, friend is an enemy for your goal.. bestfriend is a song that will soothe your heart.. best bestfriend is your shadow that feel your pain and grief along with ya..

i'll hate the one who's being so not helpful yesterday.. because you cause me misery for the whole season!

until then

fourteen :/

current music : watch me bleed - scary kids scaring kids

it feels so cold tonight. thank god it doesnt rain tonight. so im able to enjoy the little things a bit. i could only see the sparkling stars tonight but not the moon ): tough luck i guess..

*sigh*

it's fourteen today, valentine's day and chinese new year. also a memorial day for sauzan or notykitz. i remember how special was this day used to be. *laughs* i must be foolish that time to think that relationship is going to be forever. well, that time i was too naive in all this things, i admit it but somehow it amazes me that this heart of mine can never stop thinking about the days where she and i used to have.. all the sad times, happy times and all the problematic situation.

come to think of it, it's been a year now since i broke my connection with her. i really miss her so much although i know i have to step out from this chaotic past. it's just i cant help myself when my mind rolled back thinking all the memories i had with her. to be honest, the only person i want in this world is her. that "noty" insolent girl.

but it's all over now.. the beautiful moment only last for a year and four months..

*sigh*

until then..

an unfortunate day

*sigh*

seriously i got one big stupid problem today. first, got pissed by a stupid ape with his freaking stupid post. i just hope he finds his own tree for him to get rid of his stupid boredom.

second, i failed my geo with 12% of marks which means probably im going to retain in lower 6 next year since i got 3 Us already. i havent got my e.lit ppr yet but mz. rozie told me that only 3-4 people that managed to pass the exam.. which is impossible that im in that group.. cus i got pros in my e.lit class such as maw, zirah, sha and aqilah. im so dead. >_<

third, cant believe this one but it happened. out of depression and frustration, i finally became the old me again. the one who never care about people's feeling, being honest about what he dislikes about one thing or two. i might have hurt my pal with my words but i was being honest. it's for our own good. me and him cus he needs to change. i remember that a friend told me to tell everything about what i feel eventhough it's going to break the bond, i still cant believe that i did it.

maybe it's because of too much frustation i carried on my shoulder. the burden is so heavy for me. for that i know that i've dissappoint my parents with my stupid result, i feel weak and useless when i cant do anything about the people who dissed me.

in short, im so pissed off today.

*sigh*

until then..

i need to be alone for a while.

*sigh*

if i said im happy now, i would be lying. seriously, after the exams yesterday i could not think very bright. every of the surroundings around me gave me too much burden for my weak soul to carry.

i thought after all the exams, my life would be free from anything that could hurt me. i dont know when did i get this but i can feel that im being watched by the eyes of an assassin. someone who hates me because of something that i do to make myself happy. someone who's going to stab me from the back while i put my guards down.

i just hope those people knows what're they doing. i just didnt get it, why do i have to face all of this. i wonder if there'll be someone who will be picking up all the shattered pieces of me when im falling apart and scattered everywhere. and i know the answer is no body.

as from what i said before, life is only for one man himself. you got your ownlife and i got mine, we're not going to be together forever.
this is the real world you once adore because of its beauty. you have to open ur eyes more on the dark side alone. forget all of those happiness cus it's not going to help you nowhere. it will only let your life been taken freely.

this world is still cruel as it was from the beginning. all of this bond and relationship thing never stops from making me sick.

until then..

bittersweet in my previous days.

it's been a while since my last update. i nearly forgotten about what had happened 5 days before. well,let me start with monday first,where in ...

27.7.09 :: it was my beautiful sweetheart's birthday along with my two other good friend. deekay and nabil. oh yeah! hurin and jul came to see us at school. we had a lot of fun. i asked hurin to read my palm since she'd promised me before. the result was very satisfying but im so disappointed with my marriage because im gonna have a late marriage. anyway, it was only for fun though. hee. im really sorry hurin for asking you to read other people's hand. i've made u really busy that day. ahaa.. oh yeah,i remember that yus told me that my baby was crying after she received a phone call. ohh. poor kayme-chan.. let me wipe ur tears sweetheart.

28.7.09 :: the next day,tuesday. i bought her a chocolate-cadbury blackforest as a present for her birthday. at first,it was very hard for me to give to her but i managed to do so with the aid of my friends. she accepted my present happily and oh yeah! i saw she was blushing that time. awww. i lovee youu baby. hahaha

29.7.09 :: nothing special occur on this day. but i got the news about her-where she cried after receiving a phone call. yus told me the reason why she was crying on the day of her birthday. i felt sorry for her. she was supposed to be happy that day. it was her birthday. that bastard need to be teach a lesson of respect. stupid ugly bull head. hahaha *emoo..

30.7.09 :: ahaa today. i played dota against my people. the nerds. well,i still couldnt beat muiz. he's a good opponent. but someday,i will beat him alive. haha. anyway,i could defeat him(MAYBE) if i choose the right character. but i still admit defeat on him because he still managed to owned us while haziq is in his team. this shows what a great player he is. i respect you bro. oh yeah, also today is the last day for us to play dota with each other. we need to study hard for our eoy xm. wish us luck. all the best guys.

31.7.09 :: hmm. ill write this short. i didnt open my laptop once nor touch it. so that means i didnt play dota for the whole day. which is my biggest achievement! yeay! haha

1.8.09 :: so it's august now eh.
xm is coming near yet it feels like far away. fizul asked arif to download the new dota map with ai. seriously,the ai sucks. very noobbbbb.. i hate to play against them. i managed to beat the computer ai (insane) for only 25 min when i just got level 3 for my ultimate. sad isnt it? haha oh yeah,i totally forgot. yus told me about what happened to her today and last thursday(while i was busy playing dota). today she got lost in school because she thought that she was having history in the early morning. haha oh kayme-chan! how forgetful you are sweetheart. ahaa ask me next time eh when you forgot your subjects? :p im not a STALKER btw! haha. last thursday,while i was busy playing dota. yus was hanging around at the nerds spot with my kayme-chan (from what yus told me lah). oh! i wish i was there to sit beside her and talk with her and kis ... okay that's too much. i need to control myself here. haha she was imagining that she could wear high heels to school and catwalk with it. yus told me that while she was imagining that she demonstrated it. i wish i could tell you how but i cant. alas! you're so sweet as a human being could be baby. you're the cutest thing that the god ever created for me. i love you sweetheart. i really do. i wish for you to here by my side but that is just too impossible.

*sigh*

very well. until then.

i hate myself and want to die.

here i am lying on my bed, unenergetic, weak and sad. i really hate myself for being such a weak guy. just now i challenged myself to hear the memorial song of farulsauzan, ku ingin kamu. seriously, i thought i will be okay now since i've already forgot about her, i mean most of the things about her - not entirely cus i dont have any intention to forget it but still as the song started those forgotten memories were played back again into my mind. i was wondering,why do i have such life.

why? i asked myself why. why does i have to face this? why sombre keep on embracing me? why do the world have to be cruel on me? 6 months! 6 months! for 6 months i lived in this melancholic life. where there is no light and no hope. everything was seized by darkness and sorrow.

for the past 6 months, i tried to cheer up myself, i smiled, i laughed, i joke, i did everything in order to make myself happy and yet sadness never leaves me. i remember the time when i tried to kill myself by eating 8 tablets at once and saved by the miracle. god gave me the chance to live again but also to be in pain at the same time.

i positively believe that everyone could see my smile, my laugh, my happiness but they didnt know what lies in my heart. a fake smile, a fake happiness, everything was just only a fake. i am a stupid person who hope for a better life but didnt want to do anything about it. i am a person who dream something human couldnt achive. i am a loser who only knows how to run from a battle. i really want to end this life again. possibly by this year. i just hope god allows me to do it.

i have already prepare for my afterlife. i imagined myself screaming with too much pain. being burnt by the pits of hell. chocking myself to death again and again. being laughed by the devil and more. i am not worthed to be a human being. im suppose to be an animal,or even lower than that.

i know people will hate me because of this but i dont give a damn about it. for me, death is the only solution for everything.

until then..

answered by memories

i remember last tuesday one of my registration classmate asked me something. it's about relationship thingy. well, i think he's trying to find a perfect girl for him though. i answered his question calmly.

"hey man,who would you choose? if you met a girl that is not pretty but easy to get? or a hot chick that is so WOW but hard to get?"

"well that just 'ok' girl,where did she lives?"

"kaybee.." he answered shortly.

"hmm, okay guys. let us hear this, i'd an experience with a kaybee girl once. she's one heck of a girl. she's really beautiful man! i admit it,that time it was the most happy time i've ever had in my life but all of that had been ruined..' i sigh.

'why is that?'

'because this long distance relationship can easily be cheated, cus people especially girls, they have this strong desire to meet their partner. well,im not saying it to all girls but it's just that .. so my ex cheated on me for that. it's because we hardly met each other."

"okay,but how long did u have been with her?"

"well, if im not a nice guy, or that patient guy, or not because of my stupid TRUE love to her, i'll be leaving her less than 2 months but in the end we ended up to 1 year and 4 months, pretty long eh? ahaa,so which one would you prefer?"

one of my friends told that they would prefer hardest to get. also then i told them. girls are not hard to get, it's us who makes its hard. just try because you'll never know what's coming. (:

as for my case,kayme-chan *sigh* if only that boyfriend of yours disappeared, ill take his place right away since you'll be vulnerable that time. hahaha

note : to the kaybee-ians. im not being prejudice nor racist her. dont take my words badly okay? im just advising my friend for not repeating the same mistake like i did. i didnt mean any harm. but if you guys take that badly,i guess that's just kaybee-ians after all. which reminds me of her. *sigh*

until then.