if only things flow as i want'em to be..

*sigh*

i've just finished reading my old post. it was my post from january. i was so stubborn to click on the link and now i pay for the consequences.

again,just like before. those stupid past came back to me. playing back all of those bittersweet memories in my head like some sort of cinema, movie or something. i tried hard to forget everything but now it easily break into my mind like ... i dont know how to explain but i know for sure by remembering the past,the tears will never stop from falling. i know it. look at me now,so pitiful,sad. i feel sorry for my self. in fact,sometimes i hate being me. i hate to have a life like this. everything didnt flow as it should be.

sometimes i wondered why did god gave me such life. why am i being tested like this. but it's all useless since there is no answers to my question..

now let me cry my self till dawn..pathetic me..

*sigh*

until then..

Song For You [Herzan Kitz's Part]

this song i made it for you.. just for you.. just for you..
this song i made it for you.. just for you.. just for you..
remember the time when i lean u my kiss..
remember the time when i touch u like this..
ohh.. everything was sweet..
i want to do it again..

so i made this song for you..
song that i made it for you..
so i could tell you i love you..

oooo~baby tell me why ..
do you have to leavee.~~~
*sigh*

but i know that everything has change..
and i know that u'll never be back again..
all of those just a matter of a memory..
cus i realised that everything was just dream..

everything was just a dreamm...

busy saturday

ill make this short since im too tired to write a full story.

today was very tiring. every hour of today took all of my energy inside my body and that is not COOL!

okay,this morning i woke up at 7 after my 5 hours sleep last nite. then i brushed my teeth and rushed to the peak with my parents and my lil brother. my father told us that behind the peak there is a beautiful scenery where we could soothe ourselves by enjoying the view of the sea. what my father had said was true. i was amazed as i glanced to the beautiful blue azure sky that combined with the blue ocean that made them look like one.

after lunch,i went to safwan's house to get prepare for our recording. the result was not that satisfying since the autotune didnt go as i planned but overall it was ok. just wait for it in the radio. hopefully it'll be ok.. *hoping*

arhhh. im starving. actually i didnt get the chance to eat this whole day and now im at my auntie's house for a birthday party. okay i better stop now cus i need to eat right now or ill die. haha *over..

until then..

the feeling within my self

lately i feel so jealous when i go online and look at those nick who were in a relationship. i just dont know why. this happened in all of a sudden.

yeah,yesterday when i was looking at my friend who brought their lover with them. i said something in my heart. well,let just keep that a secret. i dont know whether i should say jealousy or envy.

to be honest,i really need someone who i could get pampered with. someone who could make me scream to them 'i love you'. someone who i could call and tell them 'i miss you'. someone who i could meet and hold their hands while the others were looking at us,envy because of the romance we have. oh i miss all of the relationship thing. to be exact,i actually miss all the time i had with her.

i could find my partner anytime that i want but it is just ...

*sigh* if only i could break my promise...

until then..

Yesterday Reunion

i just woke up from having a long sleep after my reunion with my beloved nerdos. xD

it's 1.30 am now and man! im so tired. yesterday was fun. we got picked up by Jul at 10.00 am and went straight to quilap. as soon as we arrived there, fifi welcomed us and invited us to the restaurant but instead of heading to the restaurant,we (fauzan,me,arif,syam) went to heritage. it's an internet cafè where i used to work before. i met my old friend there while fauzan and the others were surfing the internet searching some video. oh yeah,i forgot to mention about Jul. he was left behind by us at the restaurant but then he gave me a call and i told him where to find us.

time was moving so fast we didnt realised it was the time for us to be in the restaurant. we rushed towards the restaurant and wait for the others to come. 3 important members (muiz,hairus n fizul) or should we call v.i.p haha. they arrived about 20 minutes after we got there in time. teachers were invited but only teacher isma came,only for a short time though. so lunch started,10 minutes after that aira came with her cool apperance. also i took everyone's pictures and videos including Jul's action while he was eating. haha hold on! we were missing 1 member here. oh yeah! i totally forgot about him. i message him early in the morning and got the reply in the middle of my lunch. poor judin~i feel sorry for ya fella..

then after lunch,the girls have planned to watch a movie 'the transformers 2' that evening. but the problem is we got no car! so the damn part is we have to walk all the way to quilap mall. it's not because of the walk thing that i cursed of *sigh* it's because the memories i have with my beloved ex. that place was where we last met. quilap mall. and walked to hua ho thing.. urhhh! i have to stop this. it's over now!
hahaha wth!

so let us continue the story. where was i? oh yeah,as soon as we step our foot there,i realised that everyone was sweating. yeah,yesterday was hot. i admit that. we then booked the ticket to watch the movie. at first i really didnt want to watch the movie because i got no money but then fifi covered it up for me. man! i was so embarrased even until now. also the other problem is i have owed $16 from two people now. :'( waaaaa~my allowance. huhu.

the movie starts at 2 pm,that time it was still about 1.45. we still have 15 minutes left,so we hang around at arcade to waste some time xD. hairus and safwan battle for score points in a shooting match. im not sure who won the match because i was busy looking at the others who were also playing games.

it was at 2, i and the others were waiting outside the cinema. it was hot. again it made us sweat. about 5 minutes later,the guards let us come into the cinema. at first,i thought it was not that cold in there since the outside of the cinema was hot. but i was wrong,that place is cold like hell that it almost freeze me up.

the movie started...

i didnt pay.. i mean fifi didnt pay for nothing. it was sure an awesome movie. transformers 2. full of action,a lil humour,also there is a part that is not suitable for an underage like me. haha but i dont give a damn! xp

after the movie finished,fizul invited us to hang around at arcade again but unfortunately we had to go home. so it was canceled ,MAYBE. after i got back home with arif,i just went straight away to my bed and closed my eyes to have a dream of my kayme-chan. haha just kidding. what was the time again? 5 pm maybe. so i slept about 8 hours then.
wow! a long sleep xD

okay guys,that's all for today.

until then..

random

there hasn't been much update lately. i apologized for it. *sigh*

maybe i was too busy this holiday. again,when i think of what i've done this holiday,nothing was important. playing dota, sleeping, eating, football and more. as usual,nothing can help me through my studies and exam.

come to think of it, i havent touch any book this holiday. im so darn lazy to think about school yet when my mind goes to think about exam. im scared to death,i kept saying to my self 'i want to read! i dont want to fail! i dont!' it's just this body of mine didnt flow with its owner's will and brain. *sigh*

this holiday,i feel so empty. i miss that girl so much. i wonder if she misses me? she never will. i know that. why should she? she got her boyfriend for her to miss instead of me. *sigh* oh well,this is world. nothing will ever happen the way we want them to. i wish i was in paradise right now.

until then..

i miss you

i glanced at the dim and sparkling lights on the sky. ahh what a beautiful thing to see this night,i thought. i stared at it for few minutes and at the very moment i enjoyed the scenery,i realised that i was lost from reality.

i remember that last saturday i was wondering around at the school. i spent my time there hanging around and looked at the activities that'd been held in school that saturday. without realising,i actually learned to enjoy them. i told my self that im going to miss the atmosphere of the school. this is going to be a long holiday. while thinking,i found my self stopped infront of my e.'as' class. i didnt know how did i get there.

i stepped in and looked around the surroundings. i pictured my kimi-chan sat on her chair doing her work like what i always saw in my previous class. her soft movement. what she usually does. her silent laughter. everything was in my hallucination.

ohh it just only one day and im beginning to miss her already. oh kimi-chan,this two weeks will be my worst holiday ever. if only i could call you ...
ohh kimi-chan~

until then..

The Heart Of A Loser

I know that it was wrong...
I know that it's already too late...
I know that the mistake I made had cost me this trouble..
Watching you in pain waiting for me..
I know I threw my life time opportunity..
I'm really sorry baby..
But you'll never understand that I'm nothing but a coward..
A coward that only dare to love you withou saying anything..
A coward that only dare to look at you when you're not looking..
A coward that only dare to say something in his heart without confessing..
By doing this,I know that I'll never be able to touch you..
I know that I'll never ever get you..
I failed before the test..
I lost without a fight..
And I die before trying..

Now, tell me sweetheart that the best way is just to keep this feeling..
Let it inside me and kept it locked in its chest..
Sigh,I know that I'm just a mere loser..
I know that I'm not the right guy for you and I will never be one..
Baby, just let me see that graceful smile of yours with someone else i don't know..
So I can redeem this guilt by burying the perfect pain inside my heart endlessly..
Kimi-chan, my love towards you are eternally immortal.. believe me..
I'll always love you and it will always be forever..

until then ..

wrote on the 3rd june due to the opportunity that i wasted during the rainy day on 2nd june. im sorry..

Mountain Gold That I Just Look Without Taking Some Of It

arhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! i hate MYSELF!! i TOTALY HATE my SELF!!!!! arghhhhhhh!!!!!!!! why am i so stupid? whyy? why after i waited that long,i just wasted it like nothing!? what happened to me? i couldnt believe it. i wanted it so badly and yet i didnt grab it. urghhhh!!!!!

im so fuckingly a coward. how can i call my self with the title 'pencinta wanita' if i dont even have the guts to talk to her. she was right infront of me! why just i cant go to her and say hi then have a lil coversation? why?? my freaking leg wont move. it was frozen solid,all i did was nothing but looked at her when she looked at me! i can tell that she was waiting for me to come to her! that's why she was there! she gave me the opportunity to talk to her and i wasted it :'( i could see her angelic face in dissapointment after both of our parents arrived to pick us. i believed it,she was really waiting for me. i know it deep inside her heart. i can see in her eyes.

im really2307x sorry kimi-chan. im sorry :'( i know i should stand beside u this evening and started to know each other. i believed that u'll hate me after u gave me the opportunity that i wasted. i love you. i realise that nothing in this world going to stop that feeling inside of me. if u really are hate me because of today,ill just keep this feeling inside me and just protect u from behind. by doing that,i know that is the only way i can express my feeling towards you.

kimi-chan,im really sorry.

until then.

hope

so it's starting all over again. the fight between me and my ex has started once again. i dont know,maybe this is life. i need to hate her to forget her. bt yet i cant do that. it's been three months now.

last saturday morning while i was having a geo class,all of a sudden my mind flashed back to the memory of my first kiss that i had with my noty. sweet moment yet it's so hurtful.

for 3 months and a half i still couldnt forget her. i still couldnt erase her from this pathetic love of mine. i dont know how much is my love towards her. i just hope it will end soon.

moodyy,it had made me.. all i need to do is torture my self by hating her with every strength i have. hope the dream of mine will come soon..

im waiting. until then