Stupid Nightmare

okay,im going to make this one simple. enjoy reading guys.

last nite i had a dream. i dreamt about something stupid and something that would make me go crazy if it is true.

i was at school-walking alone from the canteen. i had no where to go. so i decided to rest my self at the old spot where the NERDS use to hang around. on my way there i saw kim with a guy that i used to know with a name 'king kong' sitting so close to each other and they were so amicable. to be honest,i was so darn fucking JEALOUS. haha

and the worst part is when the king kong layed his body to kim and kim embraced him in return. wtf?? shxt!!!!! i hate this dream so damn much.

also i remember that kim said something like this to that big monkey 'i miss you so much baby'..

ohhh! im so stress thinking about it. after that i forced my self to woke up because i believed that the dream shouldnt be continued as it should be. i remember that i said something before i went back to sleep again.

'stupid dream'

okay,that's all for now.

until then..

addiction

i dont know why but currently i tend to do them everyday. here are the list,it's not arrange thou.

im addicted to :

1. mishing my noty every morning.
2. listening to j-rock and my own song everytime.
3. watching kim's face
4. joking and hang around with my friends.
5. sleep during class.
6. playing dotA and currently godfather xD.
7. sleep after 12 am.

that's all i think,ill update again next time. and oh yeah,for your information,i'd finished recording my song last friday. just ask me if you guys want it,im not forcing you to take it,this is only for those who have requested my song before. okay. i need to take a nap.

until then..

p/s : happy birthday to J-EMO aka hafizul. congratulations for getting old mate. xp

dont make me hate you!

today,i was so moody. every of my english 'AS' mate bothered me by asking 'what's with you? why the long face? why so serious'

*sigh*

to be honest,i hate being bothered when im down. ill tell when i need to. im not that kind of guy who usually put secrets. i need a time to tell everything. my closest friend will be the first one to know what happened,even he seem didnt care about it. dats what i like. mind ur own business!

after EAS class today,nj force me to tell her what's going on. what i hate is,she's so hypocrite. she once told me that she didnt share her secrets to everyone. the reason is what is the point to tell her secrets? will it be solved? yet she asked me by forced to tell her what's going on.

and i have to tell her... and it's a lie.

i told her about yesterday where kim avoided me when i tried to approached her. and i deliberately being moody just to watch kim's reaction..

which is half true.. the reason why im being so moody today is i miss my noty. her image just acrossed my mind before my EAS class. i miss her so much.
i think my love towards her is more than my love towards kim.

god must be cursing me because i still couldnt forget my past..

i hate my self so bad..

voice of regret

i was in tears. in my hand was a picture of me and him. comparing to my life now,it is more enjoyable to be with him. i remembered the time when we had our first kiss,he hold me tight and touched my lips gently. the heat that he brought to me was a sense of the feeling of love within our relationship. i also remember that he always spent most of his time chattering with me rather than gaming or anything that any of boys would do. yea, i admit he often makes me bored before but now i've been missing his laughter,jokes and his annoying attitude,sometimes the repeated question he used to asked me. which make me feel that i want to be with him again.

looking at his life now,it's more better for him to stay like that. i'd been making his life so miserable even after the day i left him. the misery and pain that he feel reminds me of the guilt that i've done to him. i wondered how he struggled so hard to keep our love alive for more than a year. his eagerness for a long last relationship amazed me,even after all the thing i'd done that have crushed his heart into pieces. i know he's so broken now but yet he's pretending to be happy. his laughter and smile is so warm that it could makes people believed that it really is true.

i know that im wrong but yet i still blamed him for the cause of our break up.

"sarah why did you do this to me? why did you leave me? how could you? i love you so much. i've never done anything wrong to hurt you. pls dont leave me. im begging you please"

the sad last word i'd ever heard from him. i remember how he plead me for symphathy, for me to think twice for what im going to do and yet i still ignored him.

*sigh*

remembering all the bad things that i'd done,im so ashamed to say the word 'sorry'. im so sorry daniel,im really sorry. i wish u could ever heard me said this but i will never ever say it to you. for now let all the things happen as it be. ill be sure to get along with you as a friend sometimes. i know that you'll never ever forgive me for what i've done but that doesnt matter. in order to redeem my guilt ill try everything to redeem it..

until then..

delusion that brings a disappointment and gratification

last nite i was at the mall checking in at the rizqun hotel. after everything was done,i called some friends of mine and have a party in my room. it was totally fun,the room was also in a mess because of them.

suddenly i felt that i need to take some fresh air,so i decided to go to the verandah to take some. while relaxing my mind,i gazed at the surroundings. it's so peaceful and refreshing.

'psst~psst~'

i heard a voice that 'psst' me. i searched for the voice and gradually my eyes looked beside my verandah. i smiled but my heart was totally in chaos. it beats so fast until i could barely heard it beats. standing infront of my eyes was kim,whom i adored so much that i've ever did in my life. i stared at her beautiful face and astounded by her beauty that makes my heart fall. she looked so wonderful that night. i was amazingly amazed. she replied my reaction with her facinating smiles.

to prevent her eyes from looking away from me,i started to draw her attention. i didnt sure what i did and what our conversation was but it sure kept her attention towards me. i didnt sure how long we've talked,but we sure enjoyed our time by talking to each other. i invited her to my room after i realised that my room was empty. happily she accepts my invitation n went straight away into my room.

i opened the door for her and greet her with a warm smile.

"come on in" i smiled and didnt waste my chance to stared at her irresistible beauty.

she only responded it with smiles. ahh,her smiles was perfectly stunning,i said to my self. i requested her to sit with me on the bed and without question she quickly do my instruction.

to break the silence. i started my word with .....

"you're so beautiful tonight kim" i said while staring at her wonderful pair of eyes.

she smiled and thanked me for my compliment. i waited for her to talk but it seem she didnt know what to ask me. realising that we'll fell into silence,i continued to talked.

"it must be a coincidence that we met at a place like this..." i stop and looked at her face,waiting again for her to reply my words. realising that she wouldnt respons to what i said,i teased her.

"or .. you follow me here because u know that im going to stay here tonight" i smiled.

her expression change. she began to talk "no,no.. it isnt what u think. i've never intended to follow you here,i didnt even know that you're going to stay here. really.."

"oww so sweet,you're defending yourself now haha i enjoy doing that. really.. " i gave her a big smile and winked at her.

she mad and grumbled after i know that i mocked her deliberately. she was cute when she's doing that. i soothe her anger easily. i dont know how but somehow i managed to made her laugh and smile again. after she realised that it was already late,she asked me if she could go. i let her and escort her to the front door.

"it was nice to talk with you herzan,thanx!"

"my pleasure kim"
i smiled

then she went straight away to her door. as she opened the door,i watched her slowly move herself into her room. all of the sudden,my mind tells me that this is the perfect time.

"kim" i stopped her.
"yes zan?" she asked.
i brought her into her room "actually,i want to tell you something. it's not that important but uhh.. im not sure what,i bet u're going to mad at me when i told you this"
"try me" she smiles.
"remember the time when i told you that you're so beautiful? i really mean it" i said.
"yeah,i know that u're really mean it" again she smiled.
"kim,pls dont mad at me when i told u this. actually i like you. i love u more than anybody else" i confessed.

i could see a dissapointment at her face after i told her that. knowing that im going to be rejected,i asked her to save her breath. then i began my pace and leave her alone. but then she stops me.

"hey,its not a gentlemen to leave a gurl after they confess their feeling" she teased me. "haha you should watch ur face when u're in that state" she laughed.

i said to my self "wth,erhhh,eeeeee" it feels like i want to bite her with all my might. but then i heard she continues to talk. it's the word that i dont want to miss for the rest of my life.

"im sorry for doing that zan but i just want to reply what've u done to me earlier" she smiled. "and to be honest,i love you too"

it feels like i was in a heaven after i heard she said i love you too. it was a pleasant thing to hear that she said like that. the moment of happiness continues as we stared at each other and slowly moving closer,closing our eyes and lean our face towards each other.

and suddenly my alarm rang. i understand now that it was only a mere dream. damn! it was so disappointing. i thought it was real. damn! i try to sleep,continuing my dreams but i cant waste my time cus i have to get ready to school.

i wish that dream will come true.

p/s : i wrote this about 4 hours. fuhh,it feels like im writing a short story. actually my dream was short but to make it look intresting,i expand the story using repetition,simile and more xDD to fizul,pls comment me on my writing. just considered this as short story okay? and about the short form,just ignore it (: and yeah,if u guys realised,about the verandah. i dont rizqun have one. if im not mistaken laa,cuz this is my dream,you know,anything can happen in dreams.

*exeunt*

today's special

today. my mind was haunted by these question. 'why were you absent yesterday'. it's like the whole student in the school was asking me. fuhh~today was very tiring.

oh yeah,today,our group tutors gave us our official pte katok tie. well,it's my first time using tie. kinda awkward,cus im not use to wear tie. haha the girls teach me how to wear it but i cant understand their lesson.. some girl tease me because i cant wear tie. damn! haha

oh yeah,today i saw kim had a bruise beside her lips. i wonder what happen to her. im so concern about it. im dying to know what happened. maybe ill ask her tomorrow. also,i heard she doing the speech competition yesterday. n i miss it. damn! i regret that i was absent yesterday haha.

hmm,what to add.. just now i have a chat with my noty. well,celebrating the long forgotten anniversary. thanks for texting me sweetheart. but i realise that we're friends not a couple anymore. and im happy with that fact (: really miss to chat with her. i noticed her text style is kinda different,not as sweet as she was before. well,i could be careless. for me it's not that important. it's the bond we're trying to make..

oh god,look at the time now,i better go to sleep. im off too bed now. see ya tomorrow guys.

tortured

im sick of my life. im sick of this stupid life! from the beginning i know what life is,it's always been horrible. i feel dont want to live anymore. i hate my self and my destiny.

first,i realised that every good things that happened to me for a second,and i get disastrous for the whole year.

second,i feel that god really enjoy and entertain by torturing me. it's like i've been given a mission and i havent accomplish it but yet im still been given a new stupid fucking mission.

third,everything that is so important to me had left me. they are gone. first,the aura of heat that i got. second,my cheerful voluntary smile. third,the attitude of the real me. forth,the paradise i once had. five and the most important of all,my beloved beautiful gorgeous noty. and now,it's the thing that i cant live without,my dst line..

pathetic me.. my reason was so lame.. sucks to be me.. stupid.. stupid.. stupid..

a tragedy that makes me happy

ahh.. im feeling refresh after having a long bath just now. today was fun. a lot of happy things that happened today.

first thing,it's good to smile and laugh with my friends again. also the girls are getting closer to me. somebody call me a flirt because of that. hahaha.

i get to sing infront of gc members but in a low volume only. cus i really dont know the song that our president wants me to sing. and i guess,a lot of people know that im a stage lover. hehe i love the crowds and their attention. xD

and the climax is,im not sure of this,but my friend,howard told me this important information,at least it's important for me. the girl i adore is available for me. her long 5 years relationship had end about two weeks ago.. i know this is a tragedy for her,but for it's an elation xD

okay,that's all for today.. im so tiredd

a start of a new book

gloomy,dark,silent and mysteries. those four words were killed by two people today. i was so down these two days. i believe that all my friends wondered and worried about me. all of a sudden,im being like that without reason. actually there is one,but nahh,ill tell ya later. im really sorry guys. i know it was wrong for me to did that. i need to think and soothe my mind that were in a state of chaos.

i hate to admit this but to be honest i am so broken after yus informed me that 'kim' already have a boyfriend. im not upset because she was owned,im sad because of ... *sigh* should i told u guys about this..? i guess yes,i need to express everything now.

first time i saw 'kim',her face remind me of my noty. she has nearly the same face as my noty. it was really painful for me to see her face at first,it's like she keep on reminds me about my past while im trying to forget it. but then day by day,i learn to know that she is 'kim',not my noty. also i cant resist her beauty,and i adore'em at the same time which make me got a crush on her.

after i knew that i had a feeling on her,i made one objective. it's to make my self fall in love with her,so i could forget my long lost past. unfortunately,after i knew that she was already owned by someone,my heart start to bleed as if there was a spear shoot right to the center where the heart pumps itself. it does kill me,and my mission fail before it starts. i cannot forget my noty. my plan to forget the one i loved and fall in love with her was complete failure. it was like there is no hope for me and it was like all the images of my noty were back in place telling me that i could never ever forget her and replace her with another girl even the girl is worthed to replace her position. i guess i was wrong in everything,i shouldnt made yus to asked kim's status.

anyway,to fellow mate,dont worry. ill try to build my self and put all my strength back together. also congrats ms. smiley and young jay or should i say young GAY! xD haha for making my day. you guys did well on trying to make me smile. i thought it'll be forever for me to be in that state. thanks! also to ms. cherry,our vice president of guitar club,i enjoyed our moment sharing about our social stuff. thanks! ;D

i just hope as my eyes open after today,i could see and open the door of the world.

An Enemy Of Everyone

day passes to week and change to months,it's still the same for me.. i could never feel the heat of the sun nor feel the cold of the night wind.. pretending to be like the way i am before was too difficult for me. it doesnt matter how many times i try to be happy by pretending to smile and stuff like that,the emptiness i felt wont go away.

im tired,im too tired to argue with my self. im tired to pretend to be happy. im tired to pretend that i forget my noty. im tired to tell lies. im tired to be kind,cheerfull,fun,very friendly and so on.

while im doing that,i could see that most of people view things like this "one thing for their self,who care about others"

*sigh*

or maybe ... i was wrong.. im all confused with my situation..

*walks out*

Feeling of appreciation

it's been a while since my last post. 5 days to be exact. it's not that i have no ideo on what to post but i have a problem with my credit.. and this case has been solved this morning. thanks mom! i love ya (:

okay,what i want to post is about what i feel about the past few days. i think it's time for me to say goodbye to this blog..







hahaha just kidding.. nahh,ill never ever delete this blog nor changing the url address. what i wanted to say is thanks. this post is specially made by me for my viewers and readers. thank guys for wasting your precious time to read the content in this blog. i know that all my post is nothing but a rubbish of my mouth and still u guys spent ur time by reading it. thank you (:

it's such an honour to know that you guys are visiting and reading my blog. i never thought that you guys are actually reading my post,cus for me,this blog is my heart and why should people intrested in knowing other people's thought and heart? but i really dont care that if no one have ever visited my blog.

also,to my noty,i miss you sweetheart. i know that sometimes u spent ur time by reading my blog,thanks baby. that post with the title hatred,im really sorry about that,i know that post really making u upset dear. im really sorry,but that post was only one of my plan to know whether u really did visit or u didnt visit (: i have no intention to be rude and cursing you like that.. =D

ok,that's all people,ill update more.. soon.. im feeling so sleepy now.. im off to bed,see yaa (:

April Fool!

first of all i want to apologize about what i've done. im really2 sorry guys. actually i've never expected that this thing would be big. it's like everyone knows about it. what am i,a superstar with paparazi?

about me and elaine? actually it was a total fake guys.. all the stories i made was nothing but a mere lie. i couldn't believe that u guys actually believe me.. all those dreaming stuff,phone call,dating and what so ever,all of that was only my imagination. part of my plan for ... well you know .. this day.. xDD

but now i feel so bad cus i made all of you believe it.. im planning to continue this lie but i dont want to be a liar.. and i dont want to lie all the time. im not that kind of person. i lie for fun,to trick people but really,this is beyond my expectation.. i just want to trick hafizul and fauzan but i never thought that this news would be this big.. i felt like a total shit now.. sorry guys.. im really sorry.. first,i made my brother believed me,then fizul,fauzan.. now it's like all the n.e.r.d.s know about this.. im sorry cus i lie to you guys..

in shorts,my plan successfull,i fool everybody. hee april fool everyone.. hahah xp i dont know if this could be consider as an april fool cus i started fooling everyone yesterday.. but i assume it as an april fool.. and im enjoyed doing that.. also im feeling guilty at the same time,cus my purpose is only to trick 4 people but i never expected i've tricked more that 6 people.. again im sorry guys.. no hard feeling okay? hahaha xp

i guess,it's better for me not to do that again.. i was just trying to joke but i didnt believe that joke was considered as truth *sigh*

p/s : anyway,school was fun today,being surrounded by girls,STPRI girls. it feels like im the coolest kid in school.. hahaha xp and yeah,the girl who i said stupid yesterday,i've talked to her and it's not much. what im try to say is im watching her face to face,and her face reminds me of someone. she have a face, nearly same with my admire(the girl i like before i fall in love with my noty). also i get to smile and eyes contact with the girl who have nearly the same face with my noty.. ahh,im talking about girls now.. hahaha xp cool~i cant wait to see everyone's reaction tomorrow.. hee xDD