Forgive Me..

listening to : shinwa - rentrer en soi

i know a lot of my previous post is full of hatred and anger. i cant help it. ever since the day when i saw my own bestfriend got hit by one particular person, i cant even control my anger.

it hurts me a lot y'know? it seems that the old me have come back to life.

the time when he got hit in front of my eyes, i was about to erupt but that guy got lucky that i managed to hold it because of my other friend.

yeah, the anger that i managed to hold that time was a violent flame that is craving to burn one whole forest and demolish everything to dust.

it's good that i get to hold my self that time but unfortunately it has pull the trigger that should not be pull. now, im very sensitive to hear something that is related with hatred. it'll make me go outrage.

even now, im easily get angry for some stupid matter and this cause me troubles. every time after i lost control of myself, i know something bad will happen. the thing that i realised since i was a kid, every time im mad, i lost my sense of human. i dont care whether that person is my dad, my brother, my sister, an adult, a friend or even a girl, i will make them taste my rage and i do not care what will happen after that.

but ..

as soon as i calm down, i will think about the thing i did and for sure ill regret about what i've done. my heart cries because of this, i dont want anything bad happen to my friends, my family or my fellow acquaintance.

and ..

i hate myself because of this. im afraid that i cannot fix this. it'll takes a lot of time for me to learn to control this mad rage within this chaotic heart. the only option i have now is keeping myself silent and away from people.

heh ..


isolation ...


*sigh*

i cant believe that this will happen again. it has been a while. im sure some people will disagree about this but i have no choice. this is for my own good and for other people too..

until then..

One Lost Piece Of a Jigsaw

listening to : taiyou no todokanai basho - RES

i'm getting tired of this. last year was such a hell of misery and this year, im living with a total hatred. if last year was because of love, this year is all about friends.

i dont think i hate a friend but friends. i hate a lot of friends. some friends i know is bullshitting me at my absence. fuck you!

some friends thought that im a liar. i told them something i SEE and they proved me wrong. fuck that part and not just that, they also sarcastically wrote something about me - saying that i dont accept the truth because i fear humilliation.

what kind of friend is that?

oh yeah, i realised that some group that i used to hang out with. a group that they so-called 'BESTFRIEND FOREVER' didnt really talk much with me. sometimes, they left me behind without saying anything. i feel left out and yet i stay with them but for now, my patience is running thin and im afraid that im going to make a stupid decision ever which is abandoning them.

cool eh?

im waiting for the perfect time to move and get away from them. i know im just a stranger and im not a part of the family. guess what? this stupid family once rejected a friend that is willing to join them. fuck that!

*sigh*

i simply dont understand the meaning of friends in this new enviroment i live within this 3 years. it seriously changed a lot and a total different than the one i had in mind.

thanks to god, i still have a few good buddy. even if i dont have one, it's still okay for me as im the person who enjoy solitude the most.

until then..

Hatred

listening to : bunretsu LE+DD jinkaku - rentrer en soi

i realised that i have hate a friend. that person used to be my bestfriend. someone who i hang out with, someone that i share my problem and someone that i trust.

we havent meet each other for nearly 2 years that time. after we met again, i noticed there was a few changes in his character but it didnt hurt me that much. i dont give a damn care about it though. since it didnt really affect our relationship.

but ..

ever since he broke up with his beloved girlfriend, he changed a lot. to be honest, i was jealous of his happiness because at that time i got broke up with my beloved one and remain single till this year but then it's not like that i made up a story or something that made them broke up. i was just jealous about his happiness and i wanted a happiness like him.

then i introduced him something about that pathetic EMO since he was really down and he told me he's not interested. a month after that he became that stupid emo and i taught him a few basic things that i know.

i remember that day, he once told me that he promised that he'll never have any relationship and he wanted to remain single like me. i know how hurt he was that time, so i let him do whatever he wants.

three months after that promised, a girl came. she was a friend of mine which this pathetic emo guy introduced me. the real plan was that girl was set up by him to be together with me since i was craving for happiness but he didnt know that girl secretly admired him.

not long after that, this guy got his license and his became a little different. there's something that hurts me while he accidentally did it. also, when i claimed that im the one who introduced him that pathetic life, he denied it and told me that it was himself. i know it's not a big deal but it shows how easily he forgot what his friend had done for him.

then a year after we met that girl, they became lover. the only problem was they were happy for only one month. this is because of his promise and he didnt really have any feelings for her. i told him that feelings will grow slowly, be patient. a week after i said that he started to love her but only for a short time because that girl lied to him about something.

to make it short, their real relationship only last for three months. till now these couple is still together only by name not by feelings. this is because that stupid girl didnt want to let him go and strangled him with threat. ever since then, he became the stranger!

yeah, we're still friend but not bestfriend. this year is the year that im starting to hate him. back to the story, i dont know how long they've been together but then there was a time, somewhere around january this year, im starting to flirt with girls after a year being single. i told him to do the same but he refused earlier saying that he didnt have any confident about himself. then i told him to not care about himself as long as he can talk with girls and make them laugh, appearance is nothing.

so yeah, after 3 months flirting with girls, i stopped and took the chance to proposed one girl. she's my current girlfriend ^_^. he was jealous of my happiness and started to do what i told him back then. he started to flirt and i persuaded him to do this and that. it was a success.

he forgot his miseries and he forgot ... ME! he changed and he change! remember the post about him leaving me behind just to be with girls? mahn! it sucks y'know. fuck that! now, he became real close with the person i once admire and i hate that in some way. he seeks for girls attention and more. he even being rude to me in someway. all of this pisses me off. bullcrap! just now i read his status saying "STOP STALKING ME YOU BITCH, I HAVE MY OWN LIFE" it's like he's telling everyone that he's fucking cute. and to me he's seeking for people's attention. damn it! i hate this kind of person..

*sigh* i dont know why. did he do something wrong? i mean when i look real close he did nothing wrong. he was just doing his thing. i guess this is because of the strong hatred and jealousy within this chaotic heart. should i blame him? or myself?

*sigh*

until then..

Envy

listening to : You - Satsuki

Morning there -.-'

im feeling very tired here. i cant sleep. my insomnia is acting out. it's 4.40 something and i cannot put these eyes of mine to sleep and rest like everybody else.

i dont understand how people can sleep very quickly. some people could sleep within 10 minutes or less. i really envy them people who can sleep like that. im not normal when it comes to this subject okay?

usually it took me an hour or half an hour to put myself to sleep. it also can cost me 2 hour just to lie myself on bed hugging my favourite pillow and sleep.

*sigh*

sometimes i wish that i could sleep like them people. it's cool in some way. well hey, it's not because of world cup or something but i really cant sleep. my eyes is wide awake and yet my soul is begging for a rest. mahn, im jealous of you guys that can sleep whenever you want.

me? i cant do that. -.- i think i need some aid to put myself to sleep. sleeping pills would do.

god..

why am i like this? im suffering too much already. i hope you'll remove this insomnia sickness within me. please, im begging you. i cant do this. i need to rest at least 8 hours so that i can be active in the morning.

*sigh* i need to go. i need to take my shower now to be real 'ready' for school..

until then fellas..

Restless

listening to : stay gold - rentrer en soi

it's been a while, im sorry. i know i havent share anything lately. this is due to the laziness within my self. haha

okay, last tuesday me and japanese club members were visiting the brunei museum. it was a little fun and very tiring. well, i was really restless. this is because of the world cup and e.lit extra class.

in e. lit extra class, i was choose by my tutor to act out a character from the play called 'the dutchess of malfi'. acting out as ferdinand was the hardest thing i ever did in drama life. i need to be very emotional including being too jealous, mad and angry. come to think of it, i regretted that i joined e.lit club because it took my holiday and my revision time, also i need to memorize every line for my character. it's not easy, y'know?

*sigh*

but i had fun and this club helps me to learn how to act and i met a lot of new friends. hehs..

okay, ill stop till now. too tireddd >.<

until then..

Looking back ..

listening to : without a trace - the GazettE

it's been a while there readers. i know i didnt update that much anymore. this is due to the free wireless connection has been cut since last week. curses! im craving for exist trace's new song damn it! also gazette too!

damn ..

oh yeah, it's been a long time since the last time i listened to "without a trace - the GazettE". now that im listening to it, it reminds me the first year i came to pte, katok. it was quite troublesome i guess. too much things happens, and it happens so fast.

i wonder what will happen this year. i know it's going to be a tough year for me. there are kayme, hana and A'level for me to think about. not to forget my friendly japanese 'freak' friends.

*sigh*

hmm, im planning on continuing my story last night but sadly im suffering a writer's block >.<" damn it! maybe next time. so aki, i guess you'll have to wait then..


will update more next time..


see ya~


until then..