Falling..

Listening to : You - Satsuki

I am facing a problem. It's a problem without solution. Perhaps, there is .. but it's just not the right time yet. Due to this kind of problem, I've been suffering for nearly 3 years now. I just hope, it'll end some time around this year. I had enough being in this kind of state. Not just me but my friends are also facing this pain indirectly. This is due to my reaction to them, how I treat them, how I talk to them.

I know I'm very unfriendly when it comes to people. I do not care about people's feeling. I just say what I want and do what I want. But mark me, I know what I'm doing. Maybe sometimes, you saw me being rude but there's always a reason behind it.

I am quite troublesome.. heh..

But yeah, those who despises me can despise me all they want. They can leave me anytime they want. There's no need for you to give that pathetic look and give me all kinds of treatments. For me, these kind of people are like flies. They only came when they in the need of something, something dirty. I have no fear of losing someone like this.

My only reaction to this is ignoring and keep ignoring. I shall not lay one word until they say anything.

Until then..

You

English:
Day after day, I envision what’s beyond the stillness
You were there for me the whole time I thought I’d lost sight of you, weren’t you?
My tears brim over because you’re gone
When I think of you, I feel your kindness
Trembling with fear of the the uncertain reality of a fractured future
It’s inevitable; the present can’t be destroyed, it pauses
My tears brim over because you’re gone
When I think of you, I feel your kindness
Someday, I’ll hear your voice,
And we’ll exchange smiles
Until the day we meet again
Surely, surely, surely
My tears brim over because you’re gone*
When I think of you, your kindness fills me*
I had believed our destiny was endless,
But it scattered with the ephemeral flowers

*[T/N]: Unless I am deaf, I don’t think Satsuki sings these two lines…but they’re in the lyrics, so I included them anyway

Romaji:
Seijaku no KANATA ni omoiegaiteiru kasuneta hibi o
Miushinai sou ni naru toki wa itsumo soba ni ite kureta ne
Anata ga inai kara namida ga afurete
Anata o omou tabi yasashisa ni furete yuku
Mujou na genjitsu ni obiefurueteru kaketa mirai o
Doushiyou mo nai ima ga kowasenakute togireteku
Anata ga inai kara namida ga afurete
Anata o omou tabi yasashisa ni furete yuku
Itsuka koe o kiite
Futari egao o kawasou
Futatabi deaeru sono hi made
Kitto kitto kitto
Anata ga inai kara namida ga afurete*
Anata o omou tabi yasashisa ga michite yuku*
Owaru koto wa nai to shinjiteita kedo
Chiri yuku sadame no hatanaki hana to tomo ni

copied this from http://neyomi.wordpress.com/2010/05/03/satsuki-you/

credits to neyomi for this.. thanks neyomi! xD

Chizuru

In your letter there are only words I cannot read
I want to meet you hear it from your mouth

Weak with white which I can't get used to　Just a sigh echoes
Though I'd be saved if I only knew the color of the sky
I want to someday forget even the deep struggling breaths
When even the strength of wishing so seems shriveled up

If I sing "Downcast Tomorrow" The sleep that comes after the thorn
The Restraint my body was bound by
Even the mind seems to sleep
The heat that touched my cheeks is very nostalgically sweet
The shadow I saw in a dim loophole A warm-colored dream

My eyes in which your impression is left
even when the day I lose sight of you comes
You are burned into these eyes.
You do not take me with you
To the days with you and the sunlight filtering through the trees


The oozing white wavers
It feels like I'll even forget words
Where do my tears flow away to
Call my name
Hold me till I crumble
I'm afraid to lose anything else

Where are you singing about me
Even if I listen hard, what echoes is my uneasy heartbeat
I can't recall the warmth that was left on my cheek
What I saw in the dim loophole Was a cold-colored reality1

I nestle up to
Your small wishes of a thousand cranes
Without returning the smile, just
In the last memory of counting my breaths...
I hear your voice
In the morning where everything was lost
"Two would could not be one"

*Copied from the community live journal. Most of the credits should be given to them ;)

I LOVE THE SONG SO MUCH!!

the GazettE \m/

until then..

Regrets

That night was so quiet and peaceful. The wind blew smoothly telling me that night is going to be a cold night. I sat at my veranda, enjoying the soundless night. It’s so peaceful, I thought. While I’m sitting there alone, everyone has already closed their eyes, sink into their dreams. I’m closing my eyes but it’s just not like everyone else does.

I have always been a loner. It’s not because of I don’t have the skill to socialize or something but it’s because of myself. I couldn’t find that people are interesting. Most of the people around me talks about their wealth, their studies, sports and many more. They rarely talk about their friends and people around them. They didn’t seem to care about human life and … nature too. They are more concern about their studies rather than their feelings. Some say that studies is your feelings, it’s because when you achieved good result, you’ll get a job and you’ll be happy.

I disagree with this. Why? It’s because there are many things that is more important than your studies. Your health and people around you, this is way more important than studying. While you’re busy with your studies, you tend to forget the world. You only think about how to achieve a good result and be the better student around the world. By doing this, you never know that people around you is sick or good. By the time the people around passed onto another life, only then you realised how bad you are as a human. How sick you are as a human! and then you’ll start cursing yourself and blaming yourself because of what you did. Then you realized that your “unimportant person” is important to you and you’re starting to miss them, although you know it’s too late.

Sigh, I did this once. I used to be the best student in my school back then. I love it and I’m proud of it. Then after that, I got my scholarship. I went to UK and studied there. As expected, I beat everyone and became the best of the best student around UK. I was given by the Principal as the student of honour and I’m so happy about this. I could see a bright future ahead of me. Unfortunately, while I was busy doing my studies, my mom fell ill. By the time I know this, I realised that I was too busy thinking about myself and forget about my surroundings. I regretted this. So I rushed back to my country, hoping that I could visit her soon but fate is too cruel. She died before I could see her last expressions. I stayed with dad after that but a week after my mom’s death, my dad went crazy due to uncontrollable heart-suffering. He was sent to the mental hospital. Not long after that, dad committed suicide.

Due to what happened, I started to cry and kept myself locked in a room. The only thing I do everyday when I woke up from bed is crying and regretting. Because of this, I lost my vision and I became blind. Thinking back of what happened, I wish I could reverse time. So I could correct all the mistakes I made. The certificates that I’m always proud of, can do nothing but watch me as it hanged on my wall. Treasure the people around you, don’t just think about yourself. Regrets can’t bring back the time you’ve missed. So, be wise in doing everything in your life. Don’t be a person like me cause you’ll regret your whole life. Good luck in everything my fellow readers.

-- THE END --

Lacking Confidence

Okay..

I have been feeling like this since last week. I'm sorta worried about my exams. It's because of the results of my assessment. Since last year, I never got any chance to score at least a "C" for all my subjects. I think this has affected my morals. It made me lose all my confidence in all my abilities in studying >.<

Seriously, I feel bad about that.

Although, (I think) my English is improving but I didnt think it's enough for me to face every exams. Even for English O'level, I dont think that I'm ready for it. I keep on wishing that the exams is going to be postponed till next month, although that's not going to happen.

*sigh*

I need to gain my confidence back. It's really important for me in order to survive from this paper war. I need to do something and I need to do it fast!!

Until Then..

Flowers

Music : Reminiscence ~ Feelings Not Erased ~ - Yasunori Mitsuda

*Sighs*

I'm facing some difficulties - I'm surrounded by four lovely flowers around me. Thus, giving me the feelings of wanting to have them all in my hands. For sure, one flower will never be mine since she'd been picked a long time ago by one gentleman whom i believe was the right one.

I have no regret of losing that one because that beauty doesnt even suite by a poor young man like me. I just hope that she will grow more beautiful in the hands of that gentleman. Even now, she's beautiful than ever.

Thanks to god, I have my own flower to take care of. I try my best to keep her safe in my hands. I hope she will continues to grow more beautiful along with the other roses. Unfortunately, there's one thing I'm afraid of...

The greediness inside me. It gradually controls my mind and feelings. As I told you, I'm surrounded by four lovely flowers which makes me want to posses all of them. It's not easy when you're surrounded by such a fascinating nature, which is very tempting. Everyday feels like a heavy challenge to me. Having this greediness live inside you is like having a voice inside your head telling you to have them and keeping them to yourself. Indeed, it would be great to have all of them.

No.. No.. No.. I have to get rid of it..

*Sighs*

If my heart is weak, I'll be eaten by the words whispering inside my brain, forgetting all the dignity I have. By the time that happens, the flower which is already in my hands will droop, losing all the beauty which she posses before.

and ..

I dont want that to happen. I hope I'll get rid of this feeling right away before I let those pitiful tears fall to the floor..

Until Then..

Surprise and Smile! You’re Going To Die!

I’d never known how the outside world looks like. I am a plain kid, kind of nerd and the son to the wealthiest man of the country. I lived in a big mansion – deep inside the forest where I could only see the sky, trees and the gates that is guarding the whole place. I was never allowed to leave the house since the day I was born into the world. My dad told me that I don’t need to go to school because my father will sent me a private teacher. My only entertainment is book. I love to read book, good things that I’m a bookworm so I felt that my life is completely perfect. Well just for your information I don’t take cheap exams for example the examinations from school. In short, I’m a brilliant student. My room is full with certificates that are going to help me in the future. My name is Kiyoshi Ediquate Shinha.

One evening my mind was fraught to know about the outside world. Impatiently, I asked my private teacher about it.

In my innocent tone, I asked her “Ayako, how do the outside world look like?”
“It’s the first time you asked me about that Sir since the first day of my arrival here. It’s been 5 years and it bothers me so much to see someone who is so young, so handsome, provided with wealth and luxury also brilliant in everything never have an interest in outside world.” He said.
“Aww don’t you think that the compliments is a lil bit too much Hizaki? It’s just a question. My mind was full with that question until it made my brain to stop from thinking. You see, I’m trying to get rid of it. Anyway could you tell me about it?”
“As you wish Sir…” she smiled. “Do you know animals? Nevermind, just imagine a sheep. I bet you know how a sheep looks like. Well you could see a lot of sheep flying over the town especially houses. I think the minimum is 4 sheep”
Stupidly, believing in what she said, I imagined the flying sheep around my house. “Hey how come there is no flying sheep around my house?”
“Haha silly you sir, you’ve been tricked” her tongue was out while she was saying this. The she continued “Well in outside world you could see a lot of places that you would never expect to see. There is a playground, parks, shopping center where you could buy something, meet up some friends. Having fun with them. Playing games that you’ve never play and there is a lot more for you to see which I couldn’t describe in words. My favourite place is the beach, it’s a place where I usually hang out alone whenever I’m bored and tension. The sound of the waves splashing, seeing the sunset and more get you the tranquility that you desire for, sir.”
“Really? That sounds awesome. Too bad I couldn’t see all of those. I wish I was free like y...” before I could finish my words, my dad called for my name and I left Ayako alone there.

That night I couldn’t sleep. I was thinking about what Ayako told me that evening. I was thinking to sneak up all by myself to see how the outside world is but then my second thoughts prevented me from doing it. So at last I decided to just close my eyes and wait for tomorrow’s morning. While trying to sleep I heard my door was opened and I felt someone was coming near me. As soon as I opened my eyes, a very familiar face appeared upon my face. It was Ayako, I saw her face was in panic. She told me that we’ve been attacked by a gangster that is trying to rob us. She also mentioned that my dad was killed in the process. There is no other choice but to run away. I ran as fast as I could with Ayako but she didn’t made it because she was shot by one of the gangster. I managed to escape from the attacked but I’m all alone now. I’ve never imagined that my life would turn like this. I was so eager to see the outside world and never stop thinking of it and now after I managed to see everything, I lost something important in exchange for it. I wandered alone in the dark cruel world only to find a place for a shelter.

The next morning, I found myself lying down in an alley near the garbage bin. Then I continued my journey and met a very cute girl. Ino is her name. She brought me to her home and introduced me to her parents. I told them about my story where my home got attacked and end up lying alone in the streets. They offered me to live with them and I accepted it. Although their place is not great as mine and very low standard for me but I’m okay with it. Not long after that, I heard about an attacked at a big mansion that is owned by the richest man in the country while I was working at the rice field. I tried to gather information about the attacked from the villagers and it was my luck to get every of the information I need. As the night started to fall, I prepared for the attacked recklessly. Before I went for my own death, Ino tried to stop me from doing it but she failed to convince me why should I stop it. Then at the place where the gangster’s hangout, there is a tough battle between me and them where I took all of them one by one all by myself. Pleased by my achievement, I totally forgot about their boss-the one who killed my dad. I felt something touched at the back of my head. I noticed that it was a gun. The trigger was pulled and …

BANGG!!

I opened my eyes and found myself alive. I thought I was in heaven but sadly I realised that I was back into my room unhurt and unharmed as yesterday. It seemed that my room is still in its shape. Nothing changes, as if there wasn’t any attack been made. Then I positively believe that every of that was only my dream. Happily I jumped my from my bed and get everything ready for my next lesson with Ayako. That morning, the house seemed to be so quiet and it made me felt so uneasy. I tried to calm myself by singing in the living room while waiting for Ayako to come. But then something caught my attention, I saw something black appeared at the window and found it vanished after I tried to see it once more. I felt that my movement was being watched. I was afraid and I tried to run away but once I turned my back. A gunshot filled the air and a loud scream was heard.

“HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY MR. KIYOSHI EDIQUATE SHINHA!!!!!!!!”



(1183 words)

I hope it's not too late..

Music : I Hate Myself And Want To Die - RES

Fuhh..

The weather is very unpleasant, isnt it? Mahn.. I feel so dehydrated.. need waterr..

HAHA!

but seriously, i guess this is the feelings of the people who lives in the desert. The need of water, getting very sweaty and ... HOT everyWHERE!!! It feels like living in hell. Exaggerated i guess but that's the truth. Mahn, Brunei is getting very hot everyday.

Going to school with this kind of weather almost make me feel demotivated yo!

*sigh*

Exam is getting near. I'm worried about my O'level and AS'level, havent prepared for it. Im so dead >.<

I need to change.. Need to be more hard-working. I just hope it's not too late for me to change..

Okay, I'll stop till here.. will be updating more later (:

See ya..

Until Then..