what a 'GREAT' day!

today had been very depressing. i got a beautiful 'U' for my geo and poa for my 2nd mpr. the pain became more worst as mrs. Aida,my e'as' teacher gave me my paper with a big 'E'. i was so down that i almost cry infront of my friends,but Howard comforted me-AT LEAST by telling me that there is always next time. 'you'll do better next time' that words haunted my mind and questioned me all the time. will i do better? can i do it? i've no faith in myself. i've no confidence.

but despite all of that,credits to my sweetheart,kayme(oh! im so in love with her haha:p). she brightened my dark world and revived my deep HURT wound. i dont know, probably this is just my imagination, after we finished our e'as' class, she was waiting for her father nearby the NERDS spot where i got the chance to look at her for distance. i think she deliberately sat nearby us just to gave me an invaluable chance to look at her beautiful figure. thanks baby! ;D ahaa, also she did something that made me laugh, seriously she looks cute waa when she'd been given a massage on her shoulder by her friend. i was laughing and fizul asked me what'd made me laugh. i told him about her and he understood where in the same time he teased me to tell her about what i think of him. ill kill ya zul if u dare!:p haha oh yeah! unexpected thing was happened today, my dad and her dad was coming to picked us up at the same time. also both of us made out of the gate and got to the car at the same time. which i think it was so sweet (: oh yeah! i wanted to say good bye to her but my shyness lead me to just looked her in the eye where we said bye by our hearts and wave to each other using imagination. *sigh*

thanks kayme baby. (:

until then.

i wont see you tonight

cry alone i've gone away
no more nights no more pain
i've gone alone took all my strength
but i've made the change i won't see you tonight

sorrow sank deep inside my blood
all the ones around me
i cared for and loved

building up inside of me
a place so dark, so cold i had to set me free
dont mourn for me
you're not the one to place the blame
as bottles called my name
i wont see you tonight

sorrow sank deep inside my blood
all the ones around me
i cared for and most of all i loved

but i cant see myself that way
please dont forget me
or cry while im away

cry alone i've gone away
no more nights no more pain
i've gone alone took all my strength
but i've made the change i won't see you tonight

so far away im gone
please dont follow me tonight
and while im gone
everything will be alright

no more breath inside
essence left my heart tonight
no more breath inside
essence left my heart tonight

i hate myself and want to die.

here i am lying on my bed, unenergetic, weak and sad. i really hate myself for being such a weak guy. just now i challenged myself to hear the memorial song of farulsauzan, ku ingin kamu. seriously, i thought i will be okay now since i've already forgot about her, i mean most of the things about her - not entirely cus i dont have any intention to forget it but still as the song started those forgotten memories were played back again into my mind. i was wondering,why do i have such life.

why? i asked myself why. why does i have to face this? why sombre keep on embracing me? why do the world have to be cruel on me? 6 months! 6 months! for 6 months i lived in this melancholic life. where there is no light and no hope. everything was seized by darkness and sorrow.

for the past 6 months, i tried to cheer up myself, i smiled, i laughed, i joke, i did everything in order to make myself happy and yet sadness never leaves me. i remember the time when i tried to kill myself by eating 8 tablets at once and saved by the miracle. god gave me the chance to live again but also to be in pain at the same time.

i positively believe that everyone could see my smile, my laugh, my happiness but they didnt know what lies in my heart. a fake smile, a fake happiness, everything was just only a fake. i am a stupid person who hope for a better life but didnt want to do anything about it. i am a person who dream something human couldnt achive. i am a loser who only knows how to run from a battle. i really want to end this life again. possibly by this year. i just hope god allows me to do it.

i have already prepare for my afterlife. i imagined myself screaming with too much pain. being burnt by the pits of hell. chocking myself to death again and again. being laughed by the devil and more. i am not worthed to be a human being. im suppose to be an animal,or even lower than that.

i know people will hate me because of this but i dont give a damn about it. for me, death is the only solution for everything.

until then..

answered by memories

i remember last tuesday one of my registration classmate asked me something. it's about relationship thingy. well, i think he's trying to find a perfect girl for him though. i answered his question calmly.

"hey man,who would you choose? if you met a girl that is not pretty but easy to get? or a hot chick that is so WOW but hard to get?"

"well that just 'ok' girl,where did she lives?"

"kaybee.." he answered shortly.

"hmm, okay guys. let us hear this, i'd an experience with a kaybee girl once. she's one heck of a girl. she's really beautiful man! i admit it,that time it was the most happy time i've ever had in my life but all of that had been ruined..' i sigh.

'why is that?'

'because this long distance relationship can easily be cheated, cus people especially girls, they have this strong desire to meet their partner. well,im not saying it to all girls but it's just that .. so my ex cheated on me for that. it's because we hardly met each other."

"okay,but how long did u have been with her?"

"well, if im not a nice guy, or that patient guy, or not because of my stupid TRUE love to her, i'll be leaving her less than 2 months but in the end we ended up to 1 year and 4 months, pretty long eh? ahaa,so which one would you prefer?"

one of my friends told that they would prefer hardest to get. also then i told them. girls are not hard to get, it's us who makes its hard. just try because you'll never know what's coming. (:

as for my case,kayme-chan *sigh* if only that boyfriend of yours disappeared, ill take his place right away since you'll be vulnerable that time. hahaha

note : to the kaybee-ians. im not being prejudice nor racist her. dont take my words badly okay? im just advising my friend for not repeating the same mistake like i did. i didnt mean any harm. but if you guys take that badly,i guess that's just kaybee-ians after all. which reminds me of her. *sigh*

until then.

my life is dull

*sigh* i dont know why. again i think that my life is so dull. i can't make myself happy even by playing games. it feels that my life is lack of something. i wonder what it is. hmm. oh yeah. dear bloggers. pls do update ur blog please im craving to read some story about u guys. haha i really dont know why. bt come to think of it,it's already july where everyone is busy for their xm. no wonder there is not much update lately.

to those who were having their xm gudluck eh? (:

until then..

sorry for the words i used at you last time.

it has been a week since i deleted that picture from my blog. i feel completely empty. if before i used to be entertained by her and now it's silent who takes over her place. whenever i misses her i just cant stop myself from thinking about her. last sunday, we had a fight. i remember that was the first time ever that i've ever cursed her after more than a year been together. i just couldnt stand the pain by keep getting hurt and curse by her. imagine the feelings when someone we care so much hurting and cursing us without feeling guilty. that's how i feel and i've been through for more than a year. it's hard for a men to just shut themselves up whenever they get scolded or cursed. and what about me? i've been shut myself up for more than a year from saying anything whenever she curses me. and that day she really pushed me to my limitation. but really, after saying that i feel regret. i want to apologize bt it's not my fault. *sigh*

god, lend me the strength to overcome this test. lend me the will to continue this test..

decision and fate

i was just thinking..
maybe it was right decision to let you go..
or maybe it was the stupid thing that i've ever done in my life
i was so confused..
everything was unexpected..
just now you told me that you'll marry me..
but after 2 second you left me alone in this dark sad night..
i tried hard to heal your wound but instead you hurt me to death..
i brought you a milk to drink but you gave me blood as a payment..
i was so hurt that i'd made up a decision to let you go..
well after all you got a new substitute where your love to him for the distance between u and him..
bt between that i could see tears flowing in ur heart..

smile baby! smile..
cus i dont want to feel guilty for my stupid decision..
just smile for me even deep inside ur heart u want to come back home badly..
fate had seperated us..
it's not u either me who want this..
but this is it, the cruel side of life..
where there is sadness and happiness..
where there are good and evil..
where love can be annoying and fun..
this is how it is..
now let us just live our own life..
so we could see the shining light again..
and so then,may happiness shall be with us eternally..

until then..

The Day I Was Born

It was on 25th December 1991, I remember vividly that it was one of the happiest moments in the world. Everyone was busy celebrating about Christmas but actually the light wasn’t focusing at there. The light was in the hospital. It was really dark that time, I couldn’t see anything but I could hear somebody was screaming “PUSHHHHHHH!!” although it was not that clear but I could understand the unknown language clearly. Then all of a sudden, I screamed and screamed without any reason. I could see lights were coming from all over direction. “Congratulations! You got a baby boy!” By listening to that word I knew exactly that I was born to this world. “What should we call him?” “I already got a perfect name for him, from now on we’re going to call him Herzan Farahy” So from that day, another soul whose name ‘Herzan Farahy’ were born into this world.

NOTE : Actually this is my essay for my e'as' project. I dont know why i posted in here,i just feel like it :)

St. Anger

huh what is this? is this some kind of shit jokes or what? i've been spending my freaking time to make that just to humiliate myself?! what are you guys thinking? dont cha have any brain of what? are you a human or just some stupid junk? you guys get compliments and lots of compliments for that while i got the shit out of it. bullcrap! can you guys just stop thinking about yourselves and start to think about other people? everybody knows about it and it humiliates me so damn shit! and now what,you want to sell my name to the garbage of doowylloh!? WHATT??!!! this is just insane!! you just not humiliated me but you also shitting on my name. damn you!! ill never ever forgive and forget this!

until then..

Song For You Remix

i think this is the short post ever that i ever posted in this blog.

i love the edited song so much! xD

the girl in my dream

*sigh*

i dont how and i dont know why that girl appeared into my dream last two weeks. again,this post was supposed to be posted last two weeks. well,i saw her today at school which reminds me about my dream last two weeks. well,i actually know this girl but i dont know her name and also i dont talk to her. she's one of the members from my dance club. she's quite pretty actually but i dont have any feelings for her. yet this made me confused. as i said before,i dont know how and i dont know why that girl came into my dream all of a sudden and become my girl where we had a sweet romance thingy..

*sigh* im a lil bit confused with it actually. as i woke up from that dream i said to myself 'okay... how do that girl ... and why her?'

haha guess i couldnt figure it out myself. so i just ignore it..

until then..

It's time for everything.

actually this post supposed to be posted last thursday when i deleted the picture but the lazy me just cant stop from pending it from time to time.

oh yeah,i got this feeling last thursday. it came out of nowhere. it just popped into my brain. i never knew that it would take 5 months to forget everything. well,not entirely but i can manage to control my emotions now. it is a good news for me since i got the positive thinking. 'it's over now,i've to move on and it's time for everything' so off it goes.. that's it.. i just wish that nothing gonna disturb me from doing want i wanted to do.. wish me luck in getting a partner.. haha just kidding..

until then..

For you, my kayme-chan.

i met you this morning..
i was so happy when i see your face..
your angelic face made me feel that..
but there is something wrong..
as when i see ur face..
it freeze my heart cold..
which only you who could melt it.
now im stuck with those familiar feelings again..
where i couldnt say beautiful to another girl..
you beauty is incomparable..
you are so perfect as human could be..
you are more sweeter than honey..
why girl? why? why did you have to appear again?
after three weeks of holiday,i can barely remember ur face..
now it is ur face that hunts me.
your face is all i could see..
i miss you yet i regret that i meet you..
im so confused..
if only i could touch youu..
if only i could talk to youu..
if only .... *sigh*

i just dont know girl..
im confused with my own feelings..
i just hope you know how i feel..

until then..

Mosquitoes

last night i was having a nice sweet dreams when a mosquitoes attacked me and bit me to the heart. oh man! this is so shit.

okay,it was last night while i were busy doing my homework peacefully then a thunder struck to my phone. oh hell. it was my ringtone. i received a warning from someone to delete my pic with my ex in my blog. well,actually it annoys me until now. that is my privacy,to be honest i hate people who asked me pleasely to do something i dont want. it is stupid. but the thing is i already removed that picture out of my blog last 4 days. (yeay! finally i have to power to did that) and it was last night that person wanted me to delete it like hell. i just dont get the idea when IT said that picture was still in my blog when i checked at THAT TIME there isn't any SAD faces in there. i dont know whether that person was getting bored or .... so then that person came to disturb my life.. *sigh*

im really tired with this. look people,if you HATE THE CONTENT! JUST CHANGE THE WEBSITE! I DONT FORCE YOU TO VIEW IT! It is my PROPERTY! and i can do whatever that i WANTED TO!

im off to school now.. until then..