At Last

aha at last i'm able to fight my own feelings. the black moment i had is gone now. i'm stronger now. there's no that pathetic feelings anymore. it's all gone.

i, who always thinking about her, who always misses her, who always need her back in my live.. i'm proudly announce that it's all over now..

last wednesday, i overcome my hardest feelings, which is canceling my friendster accout. what makes me so hard to delete my friendster? hmm. it's because a lot of memories between me and her. bittersweet memories is all i can say. too much sadness and lack of happiness back then. i just dont to look back now.

all that i think now is my future. i dont care about anything. but still, eventhough after all that i'm not 100% happy. but no worries i can handle myself (:

until then.

p/s : goodluck for those who's having their exams including me. i hope we could see each other again next year with the title AE xD

i wish i was a bird

i wish i was a bird..
where i could fly freely..
without the fear of falling..
where i could gaze at the sky and ground..
where everyone knows me with the title 'king of the sky'
but at the matter of fact i'm just a small bird..
who's facing the fear of heights..
who's is very weak and totaly weak..
where standing up is my main problem..
even flying is too much for me..
i can move my featherless wings..
but i cant float like any other bird..
those cold gaze upon me everytime i'm alone..
i'm a victim by that creature
who's always playing with its tongue..
while their pray is in its grip..
i ask myself
why did i born into this cruel world?
the excruciating pain is eating my body..
i shriek..
i cry..
'i dont want to die'
but the only answer is the fading vision..
there goes i to the life with darkness eternity..

until then..

love in a .... ? i dont know..

it was at school but i'm not sure that the area is the same as my present school. i remember that the area was more like my previous high school.

i was talking to my e'as' friends about something. a group discussion if i'm not mistaken. just for your info, i was more closer with her and her bestfriend. well, you guys know who's the 'her' right?

anyway move on back to the story, as soon as we finished doing that study group thingy, she and her bestfriend had a walk with me around the school. but after a moment, her bestfriend had to leave under certain circumstances. i dont know why, i'm not so sure about it but somehow i got this feelings. she left because she wanted us to have a little time alone together. it appeared that her bestfriend knew about my feelings for her.

okay, so both of us were left alone eh? hmm. this will be a hard time for me. huh~both of us were silent for a very looongg moment until she broke the silence shooting me questions.

'umm hey zan,arent your girl gonna to be mad if she sees the both of us walking together?'

'no'

'really? why?'

'because i have no girlfriend'

'dont tell me inoy is not ur girlfriend'

'inoy? hahs. she's like a sister to me'

'oh i see. so you're saying that you're single now ryt?'

'yeah, how about ya? dont tell me you dont have a boyfriend? you're beautiful ***' note : '***' is her name (:

'i used to have one but not anymore. we broke up about a month ago'

'REALLY!?' in an excited voice. 'err.. i mean i feel sorry to hear that,why did you guys broke up?'

'it's because i have my eyes on this one guy. also my boyfriend cheated on me at the same time. so i decided to just let it go'

'oh. your ex-boyfriend must be a stupid person' she laughed when i said this. 'anyway u said that u're interested in one guy right? i wonder who is dat lucky guy? hmm, arent ya gonna tell him? i mean before he's taken..'

'i dont know zan,im afraid that he'll never accepts me. i like him but it's just ... '

'you're not sure ryt? i know how it feels ***. me too,i had those kind of feelings once and it's still here with me. as for me, i always did that and im still doing it. by the time that girl is owned, i cry like hell and curse myself because of it. just tell him that u like him *** before u lose ur chance. i bet he will accepts you because you see, no one can resist your beauty ***'

'how about if i say that lucky person is the person who walks beside me now. i mean you're the person i like zan. dont you realise it? i always looked at you. both of us always got an eye contact as if they were a magnet that attracts each other. i tend to be alone while you were there - near me, just to give you the space for you to fill. so zan,r u understand now how i feel about you?'

yes! i understand now baby. i love you too.. *sigh* it's such a shame that i was speechless at that moment. i wish i could tell her. i want to tell her that i feel the same way at her. why? why cant i speak in that dream. even it's just a dream. for me it's worthed to tell her how i feel about her. slowly and inevitably the vision between me and her is fading and that dream is gone forever. i hope that dream will come again.

*sigh*

she didnt came to school today. i misses her so much. i hope u'll be there at your usual place sitting there doing ur work or talk with ur friends and laugh while ur shoulders are up, ur teeth were shown and ur korean eyes is half-closed. i love to see your face sweetheart. please do come to school tomorrow sweetheart. i longed for that beautiful nature.

until then.

The Happiest Ending Of My Life

The voices are getting louder. They’re real voices, I know they are. I’m not imagining them. Smashes fist into window sill. Whatever I do, they keep talking. Babbling. Shrieking and swearing, cackling like witches.

It was hard to imagine that I was alone at a time like this. I want to cry and scream but I didn’t want the LIVING DEAD to be distracted. I tried to peek but I failed to do so because my body was numbed. I was so petrified until I couldn’t move every single of my body. My heart beats so fast as the voices of the zombies are getting louder and closer. I tried to relax myself by closing my eyes and in the process, I realised that my tears are flowing on my face. I wiped the tears and noticed that the tears were very sticky. “This is no tears, this is saliva” I said to myself. I glanced upwards and …..

“ZOMBIEESSSSS!!!!!”

I realised that it was already too late to swallow back what I’d screamed just now. My foolishness had drawn me into the worst situation of the movie. Now, not only one zombie that is looking straight at me but hundreds of them. My only option is to run away from that ugly creature. I ran as fast as I could and failed to escape from them. The zombies were everywhere. It looked like that I was trap in a pool of zombies. They gave me no choice but to surrender my life to them. I fall to my knees showing how relinquish I was to the circumstances but then I hate to surprised you, while I tried to put my knees on the ground, it stumbled down on a hard unit which I believed a pipe bomb. Quickly my eyes search for an escape and I found out an old house to hide. The plan I had in my mind was to get into the house after I throw the pipe bomb at one place. I wasn’t sure that it will work since I follow this action from Left4dead – a game of zombies where you get to kill all the zombies with one blow of pipe bomb. In the game, pipe bomb was the best weapon you’ve ever have because of the ticking sound from the pipe bomb will drove the zombies away from you and head straight towards the pipe bomb.

So the plan actually was a success. The zombies were distracted by the sound of the ticking sound and I managed to escape from them also blowing the whole group of them in the same time. I thought it was the end of my nightmare right after I blow up all the zombies. But the remaining zombies outside of the house proved me wrong, my nightmare was just begun. Suddenly I heard a noise in a closet like a noise of someone who is trying to get out. Quickly I find myself a protection and my eyes found me a baseball bat. I walked slowly and carefully in approaching the closet. My hands were ready to hit the zombie in the cupboard. I opened the closet and hit the beast inside it only to find that it was a boy in the same age as mine. I helped him to get out from the closet. He introduced himself as Johnny. He was an inch shorter than me. I asked him how that he got here and what happened to this world. He told me that all this zombies were actually a human. They were infected by a mysterious disease from a wreck spaceship that fall from a sky a week before this. The disease had turned them into a living dead creature. I asked him again if there is way to help them changed back into human but he was speechless which tells me that the only thing to do is to run away from them and avoid getting infected.

Then I heard a noise of a splashing window at the back of the house. I know the zombies were coming to after us. Johnny asked me to follow him somewhere. Clueless of the direction where to go, I followed him to the basement and there was a secret passage. Everything was white and built by a high wall. It looks like that we were in a maze. But it was too late, we were tracked by the zombies and this forced us to run away in terror. As the images of the zombies were fading, I found out that Johnny was gone. I couldn’t find him anywhere. I gave up and end up walking alone in this puzzle of nowhere. I really hate this part so much. Why do I have to face a puzzle in this panic situation? I walked and keep on walking until something caught my eyes and stopped me from walking. I found a big crow statue jointed on the wall with a red button on its nose. Before I managed to press the button Johnny stopped me from doing it. He told me not to push it because it was a gateway to hell where all the zombies were kept. Then he leads me into somewhere I’ve never seen before. I trust him in this situation since he seemed to know all the way in the mazes. The place where he leads me on was a place with a big screen that I’ve never ever seen before. It was full of unfamiliar buttons. The place was a total mess and I could see there was a pilot seat in front of the big screen. It was sort of an outer spaceship. Wait, did I say spaceship? I stare at Johnny while he performed me an evil smile on his face. I tried to run but it was already too late. He shut the door before I noticed that I was in that hell and there I was . . . shedding my tears, depressed on knowing that my life will going to end soon. I could see a lots of zombies were coming slowly and happily seeing me as a food to eat. I heard Johnny’s voice laughing and telling me that he was the master of the zombie. The gate of hell that he told me not to enter was actually a safe place with full of zombie-killers that will kill him and his minions with an instant. I was completely tricked. The feeling of anger gave me the strength to choke Johnny to death but the zombies hold me from doing so. I closed my eyes and wait for my death to come.

“GAME OVER!!”

That big words were the words that appeared on the television screen. “Oh no! Darn it! I lost the game”. I was completely pissed off by that villain that called himself Johnny. He tricked me and made me fall into his traps. I promised to myself that the next time I see him, I’ll kill him for sure but first I need something to eat. So I decided to went to the kitchen to get myself a dinner. My eyes were hurt after playing that game for 8 hours straight. The house was completely soundless. I didn’t think much of it since the clock was showing half past eleven. Then I heard a knocked from outside the door. I asked myself who it was coming at this time. Probably it was my dad, he used to be back at home during this time. “Wait up!” I shouted. As I opened the door, the only thing I could spell was the word z-o-m-b-i-e-s.


(1278 words)

The Old Sad Melody

A familiar song was played in repeat while I was sitting in front of one big family picture that’d been hanging on the wall in my living room for many years. Analyzing from one face to another, my eyes were attached to one great man who carried a boy about 5 years old. He was my grandfather whom I loved and respect so much. It had been 10 years since the day he left the whole family. His masculinity was shown on his great physique and his perfect height. The wrinkled face that he had on his face shows how experienced he is in life. His strong hands were the hand that I used to pamper with before he close his eyes for eternity. The light from the fireplace were focusing on the rocking chair where he used to sit before the day with full of tears. I remember when he sat on the chair, holding me in his arms and sang me a song which I really hate to hear it back then. It was an old song that he made by himself. I also remember when he asked me what do I think about that song and I told him that the song was really ugly. His only reaction was laughing, rubbing my head and said “Kitz! Promise me someday that you’ll record and sing that song for me”. My regrets on the fact that I could only record the song for him and didn’t manage to sing it in front of him has never stop me from crying. Sleep well my dear grandpa, may this sad melody of yours will entertain you in your eternal rest. Your memories will always stay in my mind . . .

Friendship

I’m so close to you and yet I can’t reach you

The season’s came and the flowers bloom
Where should my feelings head towards?

Once upon a time not long ago
In the lovely garden
Was a helpless reality and a transient truth

In the blank days where emotions disappeared
I just wanted you to be by my side at least

I thought you’d be the one to understand
My heart is about to break

I just want to hold you in my arms over and over
So why, why do you want to leave me?

The forbidden fruit
If I had not eaten it
Would there have been a different future for us?

How much more do I have to bear?
How much more do I have to suffer?
How much more do I have to sink in solitude?
How much more do I have to shed tears?

The limitless sky knows no shame
It just pours down so nice and sweet

When I close my eyes
I see the bright colors of when I was young

Im so close to you and yet I can’t reach you

The season’s come and the flowers bloom
Where should my feelings head towards?

The broken heart looks for the answer
And my eyes just fill up with tears

I just want to hold you in my arms over and over
So why, why do you have to leave me?

Lyrics by Rentrer En Soi

The Hundreth Post Of Mine

fuhhh~ never thought i had posted this much. yeah,100 post! but nothing much to share with you guys. i just want to inform that starting tomorrow ill change my url address from 'farulsauzan.blogspot.com' to 'maitonami-ikarikenzetsumei.blogspot.com'

until then.

bittersweet in my previous days.

it's been a while since my last update. i nearly forgotten about what had happened 5 days before. well,let me start with monday first,where in ...

27.7.09 :: it was my beautiful sweetheart's birthday along with my two other good friend. deekay and nabil. oh yeah! hurin and jul came to see us at school. we had a lot of fun. i asked hurin to read my palm since she'd promised me before. the result was very satisfying but im so disappointed with my marriage because im gonna have a late marriage. anyway, it was only for fun though. hee. im really sorry hurin for asking you to read other people's hand. i've made u really busy that day. ahaa.. oh yeah,i remember that yus told me that my baby was crying after she received a phone call. ohh. poor kayme-chan.. let me wipe ur tears sweetheart.

28.7.09 :: the next day,tuesday. i bought her a chocolate-cadbury blackforest as a present for her birthday. at first,it was very hard for me to give to her but i managed to do so with the aid of my friends. she accepted my present happily and oh yeah! i saw she was blushing that time. awww. i lovee youu baby. hahaha

29.7.09 :: nothing special occur on this day. but i got the news about her-where she cried after receiving a phone call. yus told me the reason why she was crying on the day of her birthday. i felt sorry for her. she was supposed to be happy that day. it was her birthday. that bastard need to be teach a lesson of respect. stupid ugly bull head. hahaha *emoo..

30.7.09 :: ahaa today. i played dota against my people. the nerds. well,i still couldnt beat muiz. he's a good opponent. but someday,i will beat him alive. haha. anyway,i could defeat him(MAYBE) if i choose the right character. but i still admit defeat on him because he still managed to owned us while haziq is in his team. this shows what a great player he is. i respect you bro. oh yeah, also today is the last day for us to play dota with each other. we need to study hard for our eoy xm. wish us luck. all the best guys.

31.7.09 :: hmm. ill write this short. i didnt open my laptop once nor touch it. so that means i didnt play dota for the whole day. which is my biggest achievement! yeay! haha

1.8.09 :: so it's august now eh.
xm is coming near yet it feels like far away. fizul asked arif to download the new dota map with ai. seriously,the ai sucks. very noobbbbb.. i hate to play against them. i managed to beat the computer ai (insane) for only 25 min when i just got level 3 for my ultimate. sad isnt it? haha oh yeah,i totally forgot. yus told me about what happened to her today and last thursday(while i was busy playing dota). today she got lost in school because she thought that she was having history in the early morning. haha oh kayme-chan! how forgetful you are sweetheart. ahaa ask me next time eh when you forgot your subjects? :p im not a STALKER btw! haha. last thursday,while i was busy playing dota. yus was hanging around at the nerds spot with my kayme-chan (from what yus told me lah). oh! i wish i was there to sit beside her and talk with her and kis ... okay that's too much. i need to control myself here. haha she was imagining that she could wear high heels to school and catwalk with it. yus told me that while she was imagining that she demonstrated it. i wish i could tell you how but i cant. alas! you're so sweet as a human being could be baby. you're the cutest thing that the god ever created for me. i love you sweetheart. i really do. i wish for you to here by my side but that is just too impossible.

*sigh*

very well. until then.